RuBARB II: "WHEN THE ROOF CAVES IN, THE BOTTOM FALLS OUT" v1.2 by Jerry D. Withers (Furrball T. Cat) (jwithers@tcfn.org) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTE: Originally, this started out to be a sequel to the original "RuBarb" story, because I'd wondered just what happened to Miss Treatment and Miss Informed once they got back to New York... and just what Miss T.'s plan was. Along the way, I thought it might be interesting to see how RuBarb's relationships with both her dad, Harry Purrenstein, and Nigel Carrotte fared after "Bloomin' Loonies 2 1/2...". So, as you'll see, it wound up being two (or possibly three) tales in one. (Not that there's anything _wrong_ with that.) Read on... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -0- "Hey, Toonsters, it's good to be back at Acme Loo!" exclaimed an overly cheerful Buster Bunny. "Oh, stick a sock in it, rabbit!" grumbled Plucky Duck. "_Thank_ yew, Mr. Sunshine!" Buster's wife, Babs Bunny, grinned maliciously in the duck's direction. "Rope it in, Babsie," Buster sighed. "I think he's just jealous." "Jealous? *MOI?* Jealous? Ho ho! And _what_, pray tell, do I have to be jealous about of _you_ two?" "Ohhh, nothing," Babs dawdled, before rapidly adding, lowering her eyelids, "Unless of course you count the fact that _we_ came back here by _choice_ while _you_ didn't have a say in the matter..." "I believe," Buster added, playing it rather stuffily, "they call it 'being held back for poor grades'..." "I WAS NOT!" Plucky protested. "Oh, no? Then what would YOU call it?" Babs countered. "_I_ prefer to think of it as 'being academically challenged.'" Babs and Buster looked at each other slyly, and without missing a beat, said "Same thing." "Say, now that we have that pointless intro out of the way," Plucky asked, his curiosity rising, "what _are_ you guys doing back here? D'ja lose a bet about the success of "Space Jam"?" "No, Plucky," Buster smiled, producing a huge bankroll from his pocket, and quickly repocketing it before Plucky got a hold of it. "They're trying something new here at the Loo, and Babsie and I are sort of the 'guinea rabbits'." "Just you?" "Noooo," Babs added gleefully. "There's a few other _graduates_ involved as well." "You _have_ to keep rubbing THAT in, don't you?" "Every chance I'll get!" "Babs, be nice..." "So, what is it?" "Sorry, Plucko, top secret. Only for the _older_ crowd," Babs teased him. "Oh, _stop_!" Plucky whined. Fortunately for him, he was about to get his wish. "Ooopsies!" Buster said, looking at his watch. "We better hotfoot it to class! See ya later, duck!" And the pair took off, leaving the green egomaniac just as confused as before. "Hmmm... what did he mean by that?" -0- "Mornin', you two!" Bugs greeted the Bunnies at the door to their first class with a smile and a stopwatch. "I see your punctuality's improvin' dere, heh heh heh! Well, you ready?" "Do we have a choice?" Babs inquired. "Not really... but ya shoulda thought o' dat before ya enrolled for dis," Bugs smirked. "Sure, rub it in," Buster countered. "Well, let's get this day overwith..." And, squaring their shoulders, Buster and Babs strolled through the door and into their initial jump into the 'great experiment'. They couldn't help noticing that the class was unusually small, even by Acme Loo standards. They recognized their old pals Fifi and Shirley, and a few other A.L. grads, but that was about it. "Feef! What are _you_ doing here? Don't you teach Home Ec?" Babs asked. "Oui," the skunkette answered, "but only in ze aftairnoon. Besides," she smiled, flipping her hair coquettishly, "vous are nevair too old to learn something, non?" "Like, try telling that to Plucky," Shirley stage-whispered. The other two-thirds of The Amazing Three giggled riotously. "Well, maybe _now_ he'll get the hint," Buster added with a wink. Babs almost said something, but Bugs beat her to it. "Morning, folks, and welcome to da world's smallest college class..." -0- In another school on the other side of the continent, two elderly women were in an office discussing strategy. And it had nothing to do with education or comedy. "All right, Letitia," ruminated the first, whose name, improbable but appropriate at the same time, was Miss Agnes Treatment. "What did we do wrong?" The second, whose equally improbable yet appropriate name was Miss Letitia Informed, sat staring into space trying to come up with an answer. Either that, or she was stalling for time. "Well, besides landing face first in the Mojave Desert, I can't think of a thing. It took me three shampoos to get all that sand out of my hair..." Agnes growled in frustration. "That _isn't_ what I meant, and you know it." Letitia looked at her with a benign expression. "No, I don't..." "Forget it!" Miss Treatment groaned. "Do you realize what'll happen if old man Purrenstein comes around here and sees that his brat Rudelle has escaped?" Before Letitia could come up with an answer, Agnes continued anyway. "*POOF*! There goes all that tuition money he's been shelling out!" "Maybe if you'd been nicer to her, she wouldn't have _wanted_ to escape in the first place..." Miss Informed remarked pointedly. "Oh, sure," Agnes sighed, rolling her eyes and throwing her hands in the air. "I'd _expect_ that answer coming from _you_! Well, anyway, at least we know where she went..." "So?" "_So_, Letitia, it's just a matter of going back and getting her before old man Purrenstein finds out where she is!" she replied, completely unaware that not only did RuBarb's dad already _know_ where his wayward daughter was, but had arranged for her to stay there. "It's a safe bet that that Bugs Bunny is letting her stay at that Acme Looniversity of his..." Agnes sat at her desk, lazily tapping her forehead with a #2 pencil. "Let me think..." "We could be here all day," Letitia said. "I heard that!" Agnes continued to tap. Then, suddenly, she quit. "I've GOT it!" she exclaimed. "I wouldn't _brag_ about it..." "I heard _that_, too! One more, and it's The Home!" "Oh, can I help you pack?" Agnes broke her pencil in half. "I'll forget you said that." She paced back and forth. "Now, Letitia, think for _once_ in your life! What would you do with a school administrator who knowingly falsified student records?" "Hmmm... either elect him President..." "*Try* *again*..." "Okay... Oh! I know! You report him to the Board of Education!" Agnes clapped her hands delightedly. "BRAVO! You've GOT it! That's exactly what we'll do! Hand me that California phone book, will you? Mr. Bugs Bunny doesn't know it yet, but he's going to have a _visitor_, heh heh heh..." Letitia handed her the phone book with a great deal of trepidation. She really didn't like it when Agnes laughed like that. It sounded so, well, _evil_... Agnes quickly looked up the number and dialed it... so quickly, in fact, that she didn't notice that she pressed the wrong final digit... -0- "Ohhhh, what's all over the henhouse floor? Doo-dah, doo-dah," sang a big blowhard of a rooster, who was feeling particularly devil- may-care that morning. The other members of the Acme Loo faculty in the teacher's lounge just rolled their eyes. Even for Foghorn Leghorn, this was a new high in low humor. "Oh, ah am in good voice today!" Lola Bunny leaned across the table toward Honey Bunny. "Alert the media..." "Riiiiiiight," she winked, and the two fembunnies snickered in his direction. "Ah say, everybody's a critic!" At that moment, the phone rang. "Ah'll git that! It _could_ be a request!" "Yeah," giggled Mary Melody. "'Knock it off!'" Lola nearly fell out of her chair. "Wimmen!" Foggy sighed, answering the phone, putting it in speaker mode for all in the lounge to hear. "Hello, ah say, hello there... _there_, that is..." "Good morning. Have I reached the Board of Education?" "Ma'am, _believe_ me, we're _all_ pretty bored of..." "Never mind the puns! I'd like to speak to the head..." "Well, you'll make a lot more progress than if you speak to the _feet!_ Head... feet... *THAT'S A JOKE, MA'AM!*" Foggy put his wing over the receiver and muttered, "Lady's about as sharp as a sack o' wet liver." Continuing this ill-advised conversation, he added, "What can we do for you?" "My name is Agnes Treatment, and I'm the headmistress of St. Switchhit's School for Wayward Girls in New York..." At the mention of her name, Foggy and the ladies stiffened. By now, the whole faculty knew what had transpired when Agnes & Letitia had last paid a visit to Acme Loo. She continued, not knowing she'd reached a wrong number. "I'd like to report a serious violation at Acme Looniversity. One of the students is there under false pretenses, and the principal is involved..." Mustering up all the phony righteous indignation he could, Foghorn played the part for all he was worth. "Ma'am, these are _very_ serious charges you're bringin' up! Ah trust you can back up these claims?" "Absolutely," Agnes replied overconfidently. "Well, ah'd _love_ to discuss this matter further with y'all," Foggy said seriously, before putting his wing over the receiver again and stage-whispering, "but ah gotta go get my teeth pulled!" "Wonderful! We'll meet you at Acme Looniversity this afternoon! Goodbye! " "Ah, goodbye, 'bye that is..." Foggy's voice trailed off. He looked around the room and addressed the others. "Houston, ah say, Houston, we have us a _problem_!" -0- Later that afternoon, Sylvia J. Pussycat was filling in another survey in another issue of Cosmeowpolitan when her phone rang. "Hello?" she answered pleasantly. "Acme Looniversity, home of higher learning and lower comedy... Who?" Her mood suddenly shifted from pleasant to reverential fear. "Y-y-yes, sir... No, the dean isn't in his office right now... he's teaching an advanced class this hour... yes, sir, I'll page him immediately! One moment, sir!" Putting the mysterious caller on hold, she reached for her intercom. "Oh, dear... Paging Bugs Bunny... you have an important call in your office... _now_!" She emphasized that last word as if it were a matter of life and death. Bugs appeared almost as soon as she took her paw off of the button. "Eh, what's up, Syl?" he grinned. The look on her face told him now was not the time for levity. "Um... yeah. Da phone? T'anks, I'll take it here... Start talkin', it's your nickel... Who? Da Board of Education? What's shakin'?... yeah?... Uh-huh... uh-huh..." Suddenly his face turned a pale shade of ashen, and his voice briefly lost all of its trademark confidence. "Uh-oh... What was dat? Oh, nuttin', sir. I was just chokin' on a carrot... Yes, sir, when do ya want me over... _Oh_, heh-heh... you're comin'... _here_? How soon?... Eh, no, sir, no problem whatsoever. Look forward to seein' ya. Bye!" As Bugs hung up the phone, Sylvia could tell something was REALLY wrong. "Chief? Don't you have a class to get back to?" "Huh? Oh... prob'ly not..." "What?" "Never mind. You didn't hear dat." "Oh-kay... anything else?" "(Sigh) Yeah... call Rhubella and RuBarb inta my office... Oh, one udder t'ing... is Sylvester doin' anything right now?" "Let me see... no, he's curled up in the teacher's lounge. You want him to sub for you?" "If he wouldn't mind..." -0- By now, Rhubella Rat and RuBarb Purrenstein were smart enough to know that _any_ call to Bugs' office could only spell one thing for either of them: t-r-o-u-b-l-e. "What do you s'pose Bugs wants to see us about this time, Rue?" "Beats the heck outta me, Ruby." "Think it's any good?" "No." "Think it spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e?" "Yep." "Think we oughta split to Tijuana?" "As fast as our spindly little legs can carry us." Ruby raised one eyebrow whimsically. "Speak for yourself, feline. I haven't had spindly little legs since I was 10!" "I trust you're referring to your own..." For someone who'd just found out that her parents had divorced that very morning, Rue was putting up a brave front. "*HA*, _Ha_, ha!" The pair nervously made their way past Sylvia and into Bugs' office. "You wanted to see us, Bugs?" "Um, yeah, goils, I did... and I really wish I didn't have ta." "I knew it... we're in trouble again." "Now, calm down, Rhubella, it ain't you..." "Then why...?" Ruby didn't know it, but her question was only a knock on the door away from being answered, that knock provided by Sylvia. "Let's look sharp, folks, this may be it," RuBarb muttered as the blonde pussycat nervously opened the door and peeked in. "Um, chief? He's here..." "Well, I can't put it off," Bugs sighed. "Okay, send him in." "Right this way, sir," they heard Sylvia say. Next thing they saw was the rather imposing figure of the Superintendent of Public Schools for Cartoon California. "Thank you," he replied, before introducing himself. "Dean Bunny? I'm J. Philbert Balderdash." "Well, _someone's_ gotta be," Ruby couldn't stop herself from whispering. "*A-hem*... I was hoping I wouldn't have to visit you under these circumstances..." "Neither was I... uh, I mean, exactly what coicumstances was you referrin' to?" "*Harumph*!... Well, it has come to my attention that one of the students on your ladies' basketball team has been registered under false circumstances..." "That would be Plucky," Ruby stated glibly. "He's always looking for an easy out..." "Ix-nay on da umor-hay," Bugs whispered through gritted teeth. "I'm referring to one Miss Rudelle Barbara Purrenstein, now known as 'RuBarb'," Balderdash continued, looking straight at the kitten in question, "who I assume would be you?" "Y-yes, sir," RuBarb replied meekly. "I guess this is a serious charge, then?" "*Extremely* serious! We're talking about forfeitting any major titles the team may have won up to this point, exclusion from any tournament play, you get the idea." "Dat's not good, Doc..." "Indeed! What makes it worse is the possibility that you may have been involved!" "Really?" Bugs acted as nonchalantly as he knew how. "Dese _are_ pretty serious charges you're levellin' here..." "I know..." "Have you got any proof?" "I have the testimony of two seperate witnesses." "WHAT?!?" Bugs exploded. "Why, dat's a load o' hooey! Bring on yer so-called witnesses. So help me, I'll mow 'em down! Bring 'em on!" "As you wish," Balderdash sighed. "Ladies..." The second door to Bugs' office opened, and Bugs and the two girls turned incredibly pale. "No..." RuBarb whispered fearfully. "It _can't_ be..." "I'm afraid it _can_, kiddo," Ruby whispered back. "YEEP!" Bugs shrieked, as the hated figures of Miss Agnes Treatment and Miss Letitia Informed, of St. Switchhit's School for Wayward Girls, entered the room. "Well, hello, Mr. Bunny," Miss Treatment smiled evilly. "Long time, no see..." "Not long enough," Bugs countered, regaining his composure. Terror-stricken, RuBarb screamed and passed out... -0- After RuBarb was taken to the infirmary, Balderdash addressed the remaining group. "Now, ladies, I already have your sworn statements, so I see no need to repeat them here," he remarked with all the solemnity of a federal judge. "Oh, go ahead, you're among fiends," Bugs yawned lazily. "Yes... According to the statements, Miss Purrenstein escaped from St. Switchhit's and enrolled here at Acme Looniversity, where her school records were falsified by you, Mr. Bunny, to make it appear as if she'd not only been here the previous semester, but also never enrolled at St. Switchhit's at all, is that about right?" "Well, actually..." Suddenly, Ruby blurted out, "It's a lie! Bugs had nothing to do with it! It was all _my_ doing!" "And you are...?" "Rhubella Rat, sir. I don't know why I did it; I've always liked hacking computer files. You can ask my mother..." "Ruby, no!" Bugs snapped at her fiercely. Turning again to Mr. Balderdash, he sighed, "Pay no attention ta her, she suffers from delusions of grandeur. I might as well own up to it," he added, nodding reluctantly to the two - er - ladies. "Dey're right. _I_ did it. And I'd do it again, t'ank you very much!" he added angrily. He then went to his laptop. "See for yourself..." He typed in the internet address for St. Switchhit's, accessed their student records for the previous year... and stared at the screen, puzzled. "Well, I'll be... er, ladies, ya wanna have a look at dis?" Curiously, Miss Treatment and Miss Informed peered over Bugs' shoulder - and couldn't believe it. There on the screen, exactly where it was supposed to have been, was RuBarb's old file, restored to the very last detail! "WHAT?!?" Agnes bellowed. "But... but... but..." "That's a very good imitation of a motorboat," Ruby said casually. "Something wrong, ladies?" Balderdash wondered aloud. "I don't understand it," Agnes pondered. Meanwhile, Bugs was making a printout of RuBarb's file. He then typed in the Loo's addy to access _their_ records. Sure enough, RuBarb's A.L. files were there, dated from the day she first registered there! Miss Treatment could only go into a state of apoplexy, Miss Informed already being in a state of confusion (probably from Day One). "Now, ladies, you was sayin'?" Bugs asked politely. "I don't get it," Agnes muttered. "You would if you tried breath mints," Ruby snickered. "Well, Mr. Bunny, it appears I owe you an apology!" Balderdash was almost falling over himself. "Eh, t'ink nuttin' of it. You was just doin' yer job." "Well, thank you..." He then turned his attention to Agnes and Letitia. He was not a happy camper. "And as for _you_..." "Never mind, we know when we're licked," muttered Agnes irritably. Staring Bugs in the eye, she couldn't stop herself from one last jibe. "Have you ever thought of running for President?" "Look, lady, I been insulted by _expoits_! Besides, dis grey hare's got enough grey hairs already." Turning again to Mr. Balderdash, he asked, "So I take it da charges will be dropped?" "Based on what I've seen, absolutely! And give my apologies to the young lady when she recovers." "Coitanly!" Balderdash eyed Ruby suspiciously. "And as for _you_, young woman, I'd watch my tongue if I were you. This propensity for prevarication you have will only get you into trouble someday." Having administered his warning, Balderdash left. Ruby reacted as if she'd been called a dirty name. "Well, I..." "Drop it, Ruby!" ordered Bugs. "Yes, sir." "Can I escort you two ladies outta here?" Bugs smiled, his gloved finger poised above the same button as last time they left. "Um, no, we'll see ourselves out," Letitia smiled weakly; and without another word, they did just that. When the visitors had left, Bugs dropped back in his chair, fanning himself with a sheaf of papers that were lying on his desk top. "Whew! DAT was a close one!" "You're telling _me_?" Ruby asked. "But... who changed the records back?" "Oh, come ON!" Bugs grinned. "Ruby, what a short memory you have! I did it after dose two biddies left da foist time, remember?" Rhubella cast her mind back to the events in question, and then smacked herself lightly on the forehead. "Oh yeah, so you did..." Unfortunately, this brief bit of joviality was interrupted by Sylvia flinging open the door in a panic. "Bugs, Ruby, we've got a problem!" "_Now_ what?" "It's RuBarb... she's just tried to kill herself!" -0- To say Bugs and Ruby wasted no time hotfooting it over to the infirmary was the understatement to end _all_ understatements. "What da heck got _into_ dat goil?" Bugs wondered aloud. "Maybe we'll find out when we get there, Bugs," Ruby answered. "I don't understand it. I mean, _I've_ been depressed lots of times, but I've never wanted to go end it all..." "You t'ink she's depressed?" "It's possible. Think about it... the possible damage to the team, not to mention you... then her folks' divorce on top of that..." "Really?" This was obviously news to Bugs. "When did this happen?" "Just this morning, I guess... and then there's the shock of seeing Miss Treatment again. She goes into panic attacks whenever you even mention her _name_..." Ruby paused, collecting her thoughts. "I guess she went into a major one this time..." "Yeah," Bugs said softly, as the two rushed into the infirmary and met with Granny. "Granny? How is she?" "She's stable right now, Bugs. We had to put her on a respirator, poor child..." "Is she going to... well..." "Relax, Ruby, she's going to pull through," Granny reassured her. "She's going to need someone to keep an eye on her to make sure she... Ruby?" Granny looked around for the now missing rat. "Where'd she go?" "I t'ink she just volunteered," Bugs replied. "Excuse me, I gotta go make a phone call..." -0- Harry Purrenstein was busy planning another day of corporate raiding when his phone rang. "Yes, Mildred... who? Bugs Bunny? I'll take it in here, thank you... Bugs, how are you? Fine. And the Mrs.? That's good to hear... Oh, so you heard. Bad news does travel fast, doesn't it?... Oh, I'll be fine. How are you treating my little... oh, that's why you called... yes, I'm sitting down... WHAT?!? Oh... is she alright? Oh, that's good... WHO?!? Miss Treatment and Miss Informed, eh? They did?... no, don't blame yourself, Bugs, you didn't know... What's that you say? Rhubella's with her now? Well, that's good. Nice girl, Rhubella. I like her... no, not with clam sauce... hate clams... Yes, well, thank you for calling, Bugs. You keep an eye on her... Okay, goodbye..." Harry hung up the phone and sat at his desk in a fog for a couple of minutes. Then an idea came to him. Pushing a button on his intercom, he said, "Mildred? Cancel all my calls today... I don't _CARE_! Something more important has just occurred..." He left the Tralfaz Building and stepped into the crisp Boston afternoon. "Now let me see," he muttered, feeling around on the curb side. "How did Rhubella do that again... oh, wait, here it is!" And tugging at the bottom of the scenery with a sharp pull, he watched as the Boston skyline rolled up like a windowshade, revealing the streets of New York. "I may just sell my private plane... NAAAAAAAAH!" Hailing a cab, he snapped at the driver, "St. Switchhit's, and step on it!" -0- Ruby sat at the kitten's bedside, not knowing what to think. Bugs and Granny entered the room quietly, not wishing to disturb her thoughts. Ruby turned around and asked, "Granny, what happened?" "We don't know. When they brought her in, she was still out cold, and the next minute, we found her near the medicine cabinet..." "Say no more, Granny. At least you got to her in time." "Yes, well, it's a good thing she couldn't keep it all down," the old woman said off-handedly. "I guess _meat's_ not the only thing she couldn't stomach..." "That, and Plucky," Ruby countered, trying to infuse some humor into an otherwise serious situation. The movement on the bed caught her attention. "Granny?" "I think she's coming out of it..." Granny said, quickly removing the respirator. After a bit of effort, RuBarb started breathing on her own again. "Hey, like, welcome to the land of the livid..." Ruby greeted her. "You mean 'living', don'tcha?" Bugs corrected her. Ruby merely shrugged. "Livid, living, what's the difference?" "Give me a few minutes and I'll tell you," RuBarb replied weakly, struggling to sit up. "Hey, kid, you shoulda stuck around," Ruby smiled. "Look, I know what you're going to say, and you can skip all the lectures, 'cos I've heard it before, all right? What I did was stupid, okay?" the cat continued, bitterly. "I panicked, all right? Can we just _drop_ it?" "Fine, you wanna _be_ that way..." Ruby snapped back angrily. "Goils?" Bugs interjected hastily. "Dis ain't neither da time or da place, okay? So just cool it!" An uncomfortable silence filled the room. Deep down, both girls knew Bugs was right. "Rue," Ruby said softly, "I'm sorry... I just didn't... well..." A tear started trickling down her face. "Yeah, me too," RuBarb countered. "It's just... well, like I said, I panicked..." Granny handed the empty pill bottle to the kitten. "You *must* have," she smiled gently. "You're the first toon I've ever come across who tried to end it all with a bottle of _placebos_!" In spite of herself, Ruby broke up laughing. "You had us worried over a bunch of sugar pills?!?" Rue grinned sheepishly. "Well, how was _I_ to know?" "You must really _hate_ those two, huh?" "Well, 'hate' is such a negative term, Ruby. I prefer to think of it as 'extremely strong dislike'." RuBarb sighed. "Actually, Letitia isn't all that bad. I think she's as scared of Agnes as I am." A wan smile crossed her features. "Letitia actually used to bring me food whenever Agnes had me locked in my room for punishment... which was often." "She _did_?" Ruby asked, incredulous. "I hope Miss Treatment never found out..." "Yeah, well, she _did_, and she was *NOT* pleased about it, let me _tell_ ya! I really think Letitia doesn't _like_ her..." The kitten's voice trailed off as she returned to the present. "Anyway, what all did I _miss_?" "Which part do ya want us ta leave out, kiddo?" "Oh, I don't know. Start with the one where the team loses its standing and go on from there..." Rue sighed resignedly, as if it were already a _fait_accompli_. "Oh, dat's right, ya don't know, do ya?" Bugs quietly recounted the morning's events for her. "...and dat was dat!" "So everything's cleared up?" RuBarb asked, as the imposing figure of Mr. Balderdash entered the room. "It is, ah say, it is as far as _ah'm_ concerned... 'cerned, that is," he replied, in a much different voice, pulling off the latex mask he'd been wearing. "FOGHORN!" Ruby exclaimed in surprise. "That was _you_?" "All the time," he laughed. "You have no, ah say, _no_ idea how hard it was to maintain that there voice, either! You all are lucky that old biddy dialed _our_ number by mistake. Mistake, that is!" Even Bugs was startled. "T'anks, Foggy! I owe ya big time for dat!" "Glad to do it, son! You were right, by the way. Villains _are_ fooled by cheesey disguises!" "_Believe_ me, Foggy, dey woin't da _only_ ones!" Bugs chuckled. Foghorn turned his attention to RuBarb. "Now you get better, Rue, ya hear?" "Yes, sir," RuBarb smiled. As Leghorn turned to go, she couldn't help asking one more question. "Um, Foggy?" "Yes?" "Do you think... they bought it?" "Who, _those_ two? Ah'd say lock, stock an' barrel... barrel, that is! So long!" RuBarb slumped back in her bed. "Is there anything else I should know?" Bugs hedged a bit, trying not to answer her directly. "You told him, didn't you?" "Rue, I _had_ ta! Like it or not, he's still yer fodder..." "Great," she grumbled. "That's all I need is any excuse for him to yank me out of Acme Loo... pardon the clumsy sentence structure." "You're excused," Bugs said politely. "I don't t'ink youse got anyt'in' to worry 'bout dere." "Oh, no? He _already_ doesn't like it that I'm dating a rat, you know..." "Can I let you in on a secret, Rue?" Rhubella interrupted. "My mom feels the same way about me and Roddy!" RuBarb had to stifle a spit take. "Look, kid, if it matters any, right now I t'ink he's more ticked off at 'Our Ladies Of Da Non-Redeeming Features,' if ya know who I mean," Bugs winked. "Well, that's all well and good, Bugs," Ruby asked, "but what can he do against the likes of _them_?" A wry smile appeared on RuBarb's face. "Rhubella, you have _no_ idea... idea, that is..." -0- Bugs decided that since RuBarb had been through a rather traumatic experience, that she could take the rest of the day's classes off once she was better, if she wanted to. She took the opportunity to shoot some baskets in the gym, missing as many as she hit. "Bad day at Black Rock, huh?" called a light, quiet voice from one of the doorways. "Oh, hi, Miranda. How's things?" The cute little mink rolled her wheelchair up to Rue. "Oh, the _things_ are okay, but I think the price is gonna drop off on stuff and junk!" She let loose with her trademark giggle. "Very funny, mink!" "Yeah, I thought so..." Miranda's sarcasm was blithely interrupted by a small gathering consisting of Buster, Babs, Ruby, Lola and Mary Melody. "Hey, is this a private pity party or can anybody crash it?" Lola asked cheerfully. "Naw, I just wanted to be alone for a while," RuBarb confessed. "Can we join you?" Babs inquired. Rue grimaced. "Geez, I can't even be _alone_ by myself!" Then, she laughed. "Oh-kay, I guess I can use the company. Who's up for some three on three?" Ruby winced. "Could somebody tell her not to ask that question in my presence, _please_?" "Oh, yeah, I forgot. Sorry." Suddenly, all eyes turned to Miranda. "Hey, Miranda, how good are you at this hoop stuff?" Rue asked, lightly tossing the basketball to her. Miranda grinned, and then tore off down the length of the gym floor, deftly maneuvering her chair with one paw and dribbling the ball at breakneck speed with the other before coming to a screeching halt at the 3-point line and nonchalantly tossing the ball into the net. "Well," she replied in all seriousness, "my jump shot _stinks_, but otherwise..." "Sorry I asked," RuBarb sighed. "Okay, troops, let's suit up!" The little group needed no further invitation, and dashed (and rolled) to the locker room to change. A brief silence followed, punctuated by Babs' angry shout of "OUT!" and Buster being tossed out on his ears. "Well, heh heh, it was worth a shot," he laughed, making his way back to the sidelines. "No it wasn't," Babs snapped, emerging a scant second later in a warm-up outfit. "Hey, Miranda, are you ready yet?" "Just about," she called back from within the locker room. "Uh, one mo', mink," Ruby noted hastily. "Your sports bra's on backwards..." "Oh, it is? Gee, thanks." "Not at all," Ruby replied pleasantly, making an unusually hasty exit, and rejoining the others. "Any second now..." she whispered conspiratorially. "5... 4... 3... 2... 1... now." There was a nanosecond of silence, followed by an earsplitting "*RHUBELLA!!!*" Ruby doubled over in laughter as the other girls gazed at her disapprovingly. "Ruby, you _didn't_!" Mary admonished her. "Yes, she did," Babs and Rue nodded in agreement. "Ruby, you're really _warped_, you know that?" Lola chided her. "Yeah, so?" Lola threw up her hands in disgust. "You're hopeless, Ruby!" Miranda wheeled out of the locker room at a furious pace, a frown on her face. Without another word, she tore across the court and ran over Ruby's tail. "OWW!!!" Rhubella yelled. "My sports bra's on backwards, indeed!" grumbled Miranda. "Someday when I get out of this chair, Ruby, remind me to _kick_ you!" Ruby forlornly held up her tail for closer examination and began counting the tire tracks on it. "Kids can be so cruel," she noted. "I dunno, Mary," Babs pondered lightly. "Should we help her out?" "Only if you tell me which way she came in," Mary answered. "Okay, folks, enough chatter," Lola giggled. "Ruby, don't tell me you don't know how to fix that!" "Okay, I won't..." Rue whispered a suggestion into Ruby's ear, which the rat hesitantly followed to the letter, vigorously shaking her tail with both hands. As her appendage made a wobbling sound, the tire tracks flew off, and her tail returned to its normal shape. "Was I out when they taught that?" Ruby wondered in amazement. "Prob'ly," RuBarb suggested... -0- Harry Purrenstein was not exactly in the best of moods that day. First, there was the rather messy divorce he'd just (for lack of a better word) survived, which had been finalized that very morning, and which convinced him once and for all that maybe, just _maybe_, he should follow Lyle Lovett's advice and open up a chain of misogyny parlors. And now _this_ on top of it. Losing a harridan like the ex-Mrs. Purrenstein he could live with. Coming so close to losing his daughter, well, that was something else. As he stormed down the halls of St. Switchhit's, he wasn't exactly sure what he would do once he confronted Miss Treatment or Miss Informed; all he knew for certain was, a confrontation was _definitely_ called for. However, he reasoned, that confrontation would have to wait. First, he had to get in to _see_ them. Arriving at the administration building, he put his anger on the back burner, straightened his tie, entered the main office, and positioned himself in front of the secretary's desk. The secretary, an obviously overworked young blonde femrat who hated her job and everything about it, looked with slight annoyance from behind large, red-framed glasses at whoever was blocking her view of the wall. "Yes, can I help... you?" she asked, her voice halting as she took in the sight of the largest cat she had ever seen in her life. "I sincerely hope so, young lady," Harry said in his most courteous basso profundo voice, doffing his extremely-large custom-made cream- colored Dorkman-Specific hat. Just because he was cheesed off was no excuse for being impolite. "Would you let Miss Treatment and Miss Informed know that Mr. Harold Purrenstein is here and wishes to shout at them as soon as possible?" The secretary forgot the usual questions she would ask in this sort of situation; mainly because she figured anybody as imposing as this feline was, was not accustomed to being kept waiting (especially around mealtime). "I... I'm sorry, sir," she replied nervously, "but they're not here right now." The poor girl closed her eyes and braced herself for the verbal onslaught that was sure to follow; so she was startled by the politeness of Mr. Purrenstein's response. "Oh?" he asked pleasantly. "Do you know when they'll return?" "Not offhand, sir," she replied, slowly warming up to him. "They said they were going to some place called 'Acme Acres', wherever _that_ is. I suspect they'll be there the rest of the day, thank goodness!" Smiling the world-weary smile of the oppressed wage slave, she added, "Actually, it would be fine with me if Miss Treatment never came back. You couldn't arrange that, could you?" Harry couldn't help but chuckle. "Well, I can't make any promises, young woman, but I'll see what I can do, Miss..." "It's 'Millicent,' sir, but you can call me 'Millie'," she smiled. "Very well, Millie. You've been more than helpful," Harry nodded warmly, handing her one of his business cards. "If you're ever in Boston, look me up," he noted, taking another glance at the dreary surroundings. "Just in case... I'll see myself out, thank you. Good day." "Good day, sir," Millie replied perkily. As Harry left the office, she leaned back in her chair and wondered what it must be like to work for such a pleasant character as that, cat or no cat. As Harry made his way out of the school, he couldn't help but stop long enough to cast a backward glance, and wonder... Just maybe, he thought, his daughter might actually be on to something. He sighed, put his hat back on, and tugged at the edge of the scenery, which rolled up to reveal Acme Acres. "Some day, I must get Rhubella to tell me how that works," he told himself. "Well, enough dilly-dallying. Like it or not, I have work to do..." -0- "I'm tiny, I'm toony, my hiney's... no, that don't rhyme, does it, now?" Nigel Carrotte mused to himself as he wandered aimlessly on the Acme Loo campus. He didn't care for being so downcast, truth be told; but then again, he didn't care for coming so close to losing RuBarb and being the last one to know about it, either. As usual when he was in this state, he didn't look to see where he was going; which explained why he was surprised beyond words when he bumped into Harry Purrenstein. "REALP!" he shrieked. "Oh, terribly sorry, Mr. Purrenstein, didn't see you there..." he apologized nervously. "Somehow, Nigel, I kind of doubt that," Harry smiled. "Huh?" Nige exclaimed, surprised that Mr. P. was being so friendly to him. "All right, who _are_ you and _what_ did you do with Harold Purrenstein?" "Relax, young man, it's me," Harry replied. "How are you holding up?" "Oh, 'bout as well as can be expected," Nigel sighed. "I suspect Rue's not doing so well, though... Believe me, sir, if there was any way I could have stopped her..." Harry held up a paw to silence the nervous young Brit. "Will you relax, son? You couldn't have known the effect seeing those two again would have on her..." "By 'those two', you mean Misses Treatment and Informed?" Nigel asked curiously. Harry nodded grimly. "So that explains it... Rue told me all sorts of horror stories about them... particulary that evil Miss Treatment." The rat summoned up his courage and expressed an opinion. "If I may say so, sir, I still don't understand why you left her in the care of someone like _that_..." Harry heaved a heavy regret-tinged sigh. "The more I look back on it, my boy, neither do I. Second worst mistake I ever made." Nigel considered this. "I thought you _never_ made mistakes..." "Everybody's entitled to at least one or two howling disasters in their lifetime, aren't they?" Harry offered in his own defense. "But enough about that. Any idea where I might find my daughter?" "I think she was over in the gym... this way," he indicated. "Thank you, Nigel," Harry replied. "Are you coming?" "After you... Poor Rue, I'll bet she's barely holding on at this point," Nigel noted. Harry could only nod in agreement. So they were surprised when she emerged from the gym in what could only be described as, for lack of a better term, terminal giddiness. "I've got to hand it to you, mink, you sure know how to give a girl a workout!" Nigel and Harry looked at each other in bewilderment. "Any time, Rue," Miranda said. "Maybe next time, you'll be on the _winning_ team for a change," she added pointedly. "Oh, right, _as_ _if_!" Rue shot back. "Are you challenging me to a rematch, mink?" "Name the place, cat!" Miranda giggled. "Oh, hi, Nigel!" "Er, hullo, Miranda. Hey, Rue..." "Well, Nigel Carrotte, as I live and... EEP!" RuBarb stopped when she saw who was with him. "Hello, father..." she replied unemotionally. "Hey, Princess, are you all right?" Harry asked, unable to disguise his concern. RuBarb nodded quietly. "I _will_ be," she said. "I heard about the divorce. I... I guess it's all finalized by now." "Well, it was for the best," Harry sighed. "Unfortunately." "So, who got custody?" "What do _you_ think?" "She wasn't interested?" "Not even jointly," Harry sighed again. "I shouldn't have been surprised by that." "So, does this mean...?" Harry read his daughter's thoughts. "No, Princess, a deal's a deal. You can still stay here as long as you like. I wish you'd come home with me, but it's your decision..." "I know, Father; but I can't _stand_ Boston, you know that." "I know..." "I feel the same way about Van Halen," Miranda ventured. "Oh, for the Pride Of The Bleedin' Yankees!" Nige said in frustration. "Will you hug him already?" "I would, but I barely know him." Miranda's remark was met by a cool stare from Nigel. "Oh... you mean her... never mind..." RuBarb was unsure about this at first, but Miranda's joke quickly convinced her. "Oh, why not?" she finally exclaimed, following Nigel's suggestion to the hilt, letting her regret out at last. "I'm sorry..." she sobbed. "Don't be, Princess, it wasn't your fault," Harry comforted her. "Here, blow," he said, handing her a handkerchief. Rue wiped her eyes, said, "Don't mind if I do," pulled a trumpet from behind her back, and began making like Louis Armstrong! When she'd finished, she dabbed her forehead with the handkerchief, said "Yeah!" in a perfect imitation of Satchmo, and flashed a big egg salad-eating grin. "How's that?" Nigel, Harry and Miranda looked at each other. Finally Nige spoke for all of them. "That's it, the poor thing's in denial..." "Oh, _you_!" Rue countered. "Will you stop worrying about me? I'll be fine," she reassured everybody, hugging Nigel and not caring a whit if her father disapproved. To her and Nigel's surprise, apparently he didn't. "Turned out they were sugar pills, anyway." "That's my girl," Harry smiled, relieved. "Acting without thinking, as usual. Well, I'm glad you're all right, Princess. Oh, Carrotte?" "Yes, sir?" "You really ought to learn to take better care of her, son," Harry winked. "I... I'll try, sir." "Don't try... do it! That's an order!!" Even Rue was surprised at this new attitude. "Father, are you sure you're feeling all right?" She felt his forehead. "Nigel..." "Hey, don't ask me, luv..." "Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone," Harry noted. "I have other business to attend to. Nigel, remember what I said..." The rat nodded respectfully. Then, motioning to RuBarb, Harry asked, "Um, Princess... are you _sure_ you don't want to put some _clothes_ on? At least some bib overalls..." "Father, we've been through this already," RuBarb sighed. "I just feel more comfortable this way..." "I see... and how does your young man feel about this?" "Are you kidding? It unnerves him twice as much as it does you!" Rue giggled. "But if it'll make you feel any better, the minute I feel it's necessary, I'll start wearing them again." "Is that a promise?" Nigel asked nervously, much to Harry's amusement. "Lad's smarter than I gave him credit for," the big cat roared. -0- Miss Treatment sat in Milleway's (the most expensive restaurant in Acme Acres) licking her wounds, sipping her tea, and planning her next move. "I'm telling you, Letitia, something doesn't feel right..." "A burlap thong?" Miss Treatment growled fiercely, and reached to answer her cell phone. "Oh, be quiet!... Yes, Millicent, what _is_ it?... WHO?" Agnes' face turned pale. "Oh, merde!... What's that?... He's HERE? Why didn't you try and stop him, you idiot?... Oh, stop crying... Just you wait until we get back, bawlbag!" She slammed her cell phone shut and threw it into her purse. "I'm going to _fire_ her!" "Why stop there? Why not strangle her and get it over with?" "I want her to _suffer_, all right?" Letitia studied Agnes with a jaundiced eye. "You really have your priorities set, don't you, Agnes?" "That's what I pride myself on, Letitia." Miss Informed rolled her eyes. "Sarcasm is lost on you..." Agnes peered intently at her companion. "As well it should be! The trouble with you, Tish, is you're too..." "Humane?" "That about sums it up, yes. Now, take me. I don't believe in coddling those little troublemakers. Spare the rod and..." "Save the fish!" "WHAT?!?" "Isn't that how it goes?" Agnes continued her tirade. "You're too soft on them, Letitia... especially Miss Purrenstein!" "Oh, come on! She's allergic to cat food! Is that a crime?" "Yes, and it's just one step over from there to bank robbery!" Letitia shook her head and rose from her chair. "I really don't understand you, Agnes." "I'm not surprised... where do you think _you're_ going?" "Out for a breath of air," Letitia remarked pointedly, and she stepped outside to do just that, leaving Agnes to stew by herself. Which, at the moment, was probably the best idea she'd had all day. -0- "Rue, what got _into_ your father, anyway?" Nigel asked, befuddled. "I thought he couldn't _stand_ rats... 'cept with clam sauce..." "No... he _hates_ clams..." "Wha?" "Never mind, Mr. Awareness!" RuBarb teased him as the pair strolled through downtown Acme Acres, his arm around her waist. "I don't know; maybe it's post-divorce something-or-other. Or the shock of meeting Rhubella softened him a little," she grinned wickedly. "Yeah, she does have that effect on folks," he smiled as they approached Milleway's. "Say, you wanna stop in there for a bite?" "No, it's too expensive..." Rue said, rounding the corner ahead of Nige and bumping into Miss Informed, coming the other way. "Oh, I'm sorry... EEK!" "Eek?" Nigel asked, catching up and seeing what he assumed was RuBarb's most despised adversary. "Unhand her, you wicked woman!" he remarked sternly. Rue finally recognized Letitia. "Oh! Nigel, stop! It's not her!" "Let justice prevail! You shall not have her, you... oh, it isn't?" "No, it isn't..." "Oh. Pity," Nigel grinned, sheepishly. "I was really going good there for a moment..." "No, you weren't," Rue countered. "Letitia, what are you still doing here? I thought you'd have gone back to New York by now..." The cat looked around warily. "And where's Miss Treatment?" "That flake? I left her in Milleway's," Letitia said with all the exasperation of someone who'd not only come to her senses, but finally realized when enough was enough. "And I hope she chokes on the bill..." "Fed up, are we?" Nige asked bitingly, fulfilling his requirement of one 'Tom Swifty' per story. "No, all we had was tea... and lousy tea, at that!" "Um, that's not quite what I meant..." "Nigel, forget it." Rue turned her attention back to Miss Informed. "So, you two are..." "Splitsville," Letitia sighed. "Seems to be a lot of that goin' 'round," Nigel remarked casually. RuBarb glared at Nigel as if he'd just cut off her whiskers. "As Babs would say, 'Thank yew, Mr. Sensitive!'" "Ooops! Sorry, Rue, I forgot," Nigel cringed. "No sweat. So, what do you think she's up to?" Rue asked, unaware that Miss Treatment was sneaking up behind her with a large sack. "THIS!" Agnes yelled, and with a quickness that belied her advanced years, scooped the surprised feline into the sack! Nigel made a gallant attempt at rushing to her aid, but Miss Treatment swung the sack (with Rue still inside it) in his direction, knocking him cold. Then, laughing maniacally, she lifted up the background and escaped. As Miss Informed helped a groggy Nigel sit up, Harry and Ruby arrived. "Oh, man, _now_ the bleedin' cavalry shows up!" Nigel muttered. "What happened?" Ruby asked. "Miss Treatment's gone bananas!" Nige replied, gathering his wits. Miss Informed cast a jaundiced eye in his direction. "Really? And just what do you base _that_ declaration on?" There was an all too brief moment of silence as everybody pondered that remark. "All right, let me put it this way... she's catnapped RuBarb!!" "WHAT?!?" Harry and Ruby asked. "Well, if it's any consolation, and I doubt that it is," Letitia added, "at least we know where she went. Help me with this backdrop, somebody..." Ruby lifted it up just high enough for them all to squeeze under, except for Harry, who had to do it for himself. "There we go. You're coming along, I take it?" "Certainly," Harry replied. "I wouldn't miss _this_ for anything! Besides, as a certain blue rabbit has said, now it's _personal_!" -0- "OOOOOF!" RuBarb said painfully, as Miss Treatment flung the sack containing the kitten to the far corner of a darkened room. "And you'll _stay_ there until you've learned your lesson!" Agnes scolded her, before shutting and locking the door behind her. Rue waited until she was sure Miss Treatment was gone; then, with one quick movement, unsheathed her claws and ripped her way out of the sack effortlessly. She gave her eyes time to adjust to seeing in the dark, before realizing where she was. It was the part of St. Switchhit's _no_ student wanted to go to: "The Hole". She took one whiff, and almost gagged from the odor. "Man," she said when she got her voice back, "_Now_ I know what they did with the script to 'Tango And Cash'!" The next thing she did after that was to see if she'd remembered her training from "Props 101"; specifically, the bit that taught that any prop a toon ever needed was conveniently located behind their backs. "Well, Rue, you heard the lady. Let's see if you learned your lesson!" Reaching behind her back, she produced a spray can. Shaking the can vigorously, she pressed the button, and got hit in the face with aerosol cheese. "EUGGGHH!" she whined, disgusted. Shaking it off, she reached behind her back again and, producing yet another can, went through the same ritual, making sure it was pointed away from her this time. As she pressed the button, the room was filled with the scent of lilacs. "_Much_ better!" she remarked, just before she heard the sound of the door being unlocked. Spotting her chance, RuBarb zipped quickly to the doorway, in order to escape the second the door was opened. Unfortunately, Miss Treatment had other ideas. As the door opened slowly, Rue prepared to make her getaway, only to be blocked and tackled to the floor by yet _another_ unfortunate being thrown in. "OOOOF!" they said, as they collided. Quickly scrambling to her feet, Rue headed to the door again, only to have it slam shut the second she got there. She sunk to the floor, moaning as if to curse her bad luck. The newest occupant spoke up. "Rudelle? Is that you?" The cat was taken aback, as she recognized the owner of that voice. "_Millie_?!? Is that you?!?" "Unfortunately, yeah," the rat said, as she stood up and brushed herself off. "Is this your first time in 'The Hole'?" "Uh-huh. I've been lucky up 'til now," Rue noted wryly. "And you?" "Same here, Rudelle..." "It's 'RuBarb' now..." "You're kidding, aren't you?" The silence she received in reply told Millicent that Rue wasn't kidding. "Well, at least you didn't call yourself 'Life In A Putty Knife Factory'." "At _least_," Rue added with a forced laugh. "Any ideas?" "Lead me to the doorway," Millie said. "Your night vision is much better than mine." The kitten obliged the receptionist, who then felt along the wall until she found what she was searching for. "Got it!" she smiled, flicking on the light switch, much to Rue's surprise and disgruntlement. "There! How's that?" Millie asked, as both of them shielded their eyes until they became used to the lighting. "A little better," Rue admitted, "but not by much... I didn't know there was a light in here!" "Almost nobody does," Millie confided. -0- As Miss Informed, Harry, Nigel and Ruby waited for a N.Y. cab, they couldn't help noticing that Rhubella looked completely uncomfortable. "Something wrong, Rhubella?" Harry asked her. "Oh... oh, no... it's just that New York gives me the creeps! I was here a couple of years ago and had an absolutely _miserable_ time! I promised myself when it was all over that I'd _never_ come here again!" "Care to tell us about it?" Letitia asked. "Not really," Ruby replied. "It was when someone sneaked into the Warner Studios and made off with Acme Acres and... do I _have_ to live it all over again?" she whined. Clearly, the memory of what had happened back then still upset her greatly. "Not if you don't want to, luv," Nigel reassured her, as a cab came into view. "Hullo! Here comes our ride..." he said buoyantly, just before the taxi sped by them. "And there it _goes_..." he added just as buoyantly. "Smart aleck," grumbled Harry. Apparently, he was not amused. Under the circumstances, Nigel could hardly blame him... -0- "So, now what?" Millie inquired of her feline companion. "Let me think," Rue answered, lost in deep thought for a few seconds as she paced back and forth. Suddenly, she straightened up and snapped her fingers. "Got it!" And, reaching behind her back, produced two pair of safety goggles. "Here, put these on..." "Okay," Millie shrugged. "But why?" The cat grinned smugly and reached behind her back again, this time producing a chainsaw! "This answer your question? Stand back!" she ordered. Millie didn't hesitate to do as she was told. Besides, one of the first rules she learned in secretarial school was never to argue with anybody who had a loaded chainsaw... -0- Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, Harry, Ruby, Nigel and Miss Informed _did_ manage to catch a cab, arriving at St. Switchhit's in record time, much to Ruby's regret. As she left the cab, one couldn't help but notice that she'd turned an interesting shade of lime green, and ran for the nearest receptacle in which to deposit her unusually strong opinion of N.Y.C. cabbies in general, and that ride in particular! As she did so, the rest of them took the opportunity to discuss the weather until she returned. "Well, Ruby, you're lookin' wonderful," Nigel kidded her. "Oh, SHUT UP!" Ruby barked irritably. "Anybody here got an antacid or something?" "No time for that now," Nige reminded her. "Maybe later." Turning to Letitia, he asked, "Okay, how do we get to that there 'Hole' you were tellin' us about?" "This way," Miss Informed replied, leading them through a doorway in the rear of the building which led directly to a stairwell. As the group approached the room, Nigel took charge. "Okay, stand back, I'm gonna try to break the door," he advised. "Down?" Ruby asked. "How else... up?" Nige answered with a wink. "Stand well back..." And, moving back a good distance in order to gain momentum, Nige ran pell-mell towards the door at the exact same second that RuBarb's chainsaw sliced through it! "REALP!!" he shrieked, unable to stop himself. Fortunately, by this time, Ruby had regained her equillibrium, and yanked him backwards by his tail before he could sustain any unexpected damage. The end result being, of course, that the two rats collided and ended up on the floor in a _most_ undignified position, which they hurried to extricate themselves out of before Rue could see them! As they brushed themselves off, Ruby noted, "Nigel, I _told_ you not to be so _forward_!" "Surely there's another way you could've put that," he suggested. "I doubt it, and don't call me 'Shirley'!" she replied, as the group waited for the ubiquitous rimshot. None came. "Well, I know _one_ drummer who's going to be out of a job when this is all over!" Ruby commented through gritted teeth, as RuBarb and Millie peered out of the hole in the door, chainsaw still running. "Rue? You wanna turn that thing _off_ now?" "I would if I could find the switch!" she yelled. "Darnit! This _would_ be an ACME product!" Without warning, the chainsaw suddenly kicked and bucked out of the kitten's control, leaving her no choice but to drop it like a bad habit. As RuBarb and Millie rushed to join the others, who watched, fascinated, as the power tool from Heck began to cut and slash haphazardly throughout the building, seemingly of its own accord, sending debris flying every which way, Miss Treatment came bolting down the stairs. "What's going on here?!?" she demanded sharply, before the renegade chainsaw whizzed just inches from her head! "YIPE!!" "Is it too late to make a suggestion?" Harry yelled. "Suggest away, sir," Nigel answered. "Very well... LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!!!" he commanded, in that deep, resonant voice of his. The rest of them would have gladly taken his advice, except for the fact that no matter where they turned, large pieces of St. Switchhit's kept falling in front of them, blocking their escape. Millie turned to RuBarb and said, "Rue, can I suggest something to you?" "If you think it'll do any good..." The femrat glared at the kitten through her glasses. "Next time you come up with a brilliant plan, FOR THE LOVE O' MIKE, HAVE A PLAN 'B'!!" Millie shouted as a section of wall narrowly missed her. "EEEEK!!!" she added, latching on to Harry for dear life. "By golly, I swear, I'll do it the first chance I get after this!" Rue replied. "If there _is_ an 'after this'! Man, where's the rescue squad when you _NEED_ them?!?" Ruby wailed. So intent were the group in trying to get out of the destruction going on around them, that they didn't even notice the hole that opened up beneath them -- until they fell through it. "I _HATE_ NEW YORK!" Ruby yelled, just before they all hit bottom. -0- "That was close. Light?" "Come on, Buster, you know I don't smoke... oh, you mean... gotcha! Here ya go." A strong light flooded the hole containing the startled group, who had suddenly increased in size, much to their astonishment, by exactly two rabbits. RuBarb was the first to speak up. "Buster? Babs? What are _you_ doing here?!?" "Field trip," they said. "Unfortunately, we wound up in the wrong field," Buster added. "I know I'm going to hate myself in the morning for asking this," Ruby noted, "but exactly _what_ field were you heading for?" "Wrigley Field," Babs replied. "We wanted to see where they grow chewing gum. Is everybody all right?" "I think I've got a ruptured water main, but other than that, nothing's broken," RuBarb quipped. "Father?" Harry flicked a speck of dirt from his jacket and blew the dust off of his hat. "I'll survive," he noted dryly. He looked down to see that Millicent was still clinging to him tighter than an anti-trust suit. "You _might_ wish to let go any time, Millie..." he chuckled. "Why?... OH! Excuse me..." she said, embarrassed, as she relaxed her grip on the huge cat. "I'll ask later," Rue observed casually. "Nigel?" "Here, luv," he replied groggily. The fall had pretty much knocked the wind out of him, and he was only now recovering. He turned to see what had happened to Miss Treatment and Miss Informed, both of whom were also knocked cold by the force of the landing. "Hmmm... I think they need medical attention, 'ere," he said seriously. "I'll reserve comment," Rue noted blithely, before Nigel gave her one of _those_ looks. "Oh..." she added, quietly. "That's not what..." "No, it isn't," he replied. Turning to the two bunnies, he asked, "Any chance we can get out of here?" "Sure," Buster said, as he and Babs tunneled upwards. "This way..." When the group emerged into daylight, RuBarb looked around her to see what had happened to St. Switchhit's. The chainsaw had done its work a little _too_ well; where the hated school once stood, now there was only a pile of rubble. "No big loss," the kitten noted bitterly. "That's as may be," Millie countered, as she borrowed Harry's cell phone to call the paramedics. "'Cept, of course, I'm out of a _job_ now... unless your father was serious about Boston... Hello? Can we get an ambulance at the corner of Strunk and White?..." -0- Exactly one week later, back in her dorm at Acme Loo, RuBarb was cramming for another test with Miranda and Rhubella (which meant, naturally, that there was precious little studying going on that evening) when the phone rang. "Quiet down, you two," the kitten shushed her companions. "Hello? Oh, hiya, Pops. What's all the latest noise from Beantown?" she giggled, putting her paw over the mouthpiece. "He _hates_ it when I say that," she confided to them. "Then you should do it more often," Ruby snickered. "Rhubella..." Miranda scolded the rat. "Listen, mink, it's part of every American teenager's right to antagonize their folks at least once. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. It says so in the Constitution!" Miranda crossed her arms and glared at Ruby. "Oh, it does not!" "Does, too! Right after the part where it says 'too much ice cream is never enough'" The mink looked confused. "REALLY? Are we thinking of the same Constitution here?" "There's more than _one_?" "Ex-CUSE me? I'm on the PHONE!" Rue snapped. When order had been restored, she continued the conversation. "No, Father, I'm fine. I'm trapped in a dorm with Ruby and Miranda. Right. Send the Air Force at once... uh-huh... is that right?... one moment..." Rue turned to her classmates with a look of disbelief. "Well, whaddaya know about that! Seems when Miss Treatment took that fall, it actually knocked some sense into her! You know all that tuition money she'd been hoarding for years? She's gonna use it to rebuild St. Switchhit's and turn it into a _proper_ girls' school." "Imagine that," muttered Miranda. "What about Miss Informed?" "Hang on... no kidding?... Pop says she fled the country with a South American banana millionaire from the United Fruit Company!" "Nooo..." "Really!" "Well, good for _her_!" "Don't blame her a bit..." Rue returned to the phone. "Yeah... Father, you know good and well his name's 'Nigel', _not_ 'Squeaky Goulash'! Which reminds me, did Millie ever take you up on... oh, she has? Well, that's... what do you mean, am I sitting down? _Why?_" Rue's face formed a frown. "If you're going to tell me you've frittered away my inheritance on pork belly futures, I'll..." A beat, and then her eyes grew as wide as it was possible for them to do. "You _WHAT_?!?" She almost dropped the receiver. "No... no, that's great... Listen, can I call you back? Sure thing... Love you too, dad... 'bye..." Rue turned to her friends in a mild state of shock. "I never woulda believed it..." "What?" Ruby asked. "He _did_ fritter away my inheritance on pork belly futures..." "You're putting us on!" Miranda stated flatly. "Kinda, yeah..." The kitten was still in a daze. Miranda wheeled over to her and waved her hands in front of her face. "Rue? You okay?" "I... I guess... you guys wanna go to Boston this weekend?" "Why?" "Oh, no reason..." "Rue, you're being evasive again..." "Oh, right... sorry... but do ya wanna go or not?" "Only if you tell us why!" "Well... let's just say, wear something appropriate to Dad and Millie's wedding..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Story (C)May 24, 1999 by Jerry D. Withers. All Rights Reserved. Version 1.1 (Revised) (C) March 20, 2000 by same. Version 1.2 (Revised for the better?) (C) April 21, 2000, also by same. This story is a work of fan fiction (not that there's anything _wrong_ with that!) and is not meant to be taken as Canon, Minolta, or any other cameras. TINY TOON ADVENTURES characters, related indicia, etc., (C)1999 Warner Bros. Animation, Inc./Amblin Entertainment. LOONEY TUNES characters, etc., (C)1999 Warner Bros. Animation. Used without permission. The characters of "RuBarb", "Miranda", "Miss Treatment", "Miss Informed", "Harry Purrenstein" and "Millie Rat" were created by me (C)1997-1999. "Nigel Carrotte" was created by Jennifer Cleckley (C)1998-1999, used by permission. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~