* Pickpockets thrive in large, crowded areas where they can blend in and strike unnoticed. Stick to dark, isolated alleyways.
* Remember: You can't get attacked by anyone if you preemptively attack everyone you encounter first.
* Always check the backseat before getting in your car. If a menacing-looking man is hiding there, get a friend or coworker to accompany you.
* If forced to fight, use Tai Chi to slowly defeat your enemy.
* Going everywhere in an oversized hamster ball is a good way to ensure your safety. Be sure to avoid geysers, though.
* Try to live in close proximity to Batman.
* If you go jogging, wear sweatpants that say "Do Not Rape" on the ass and crotch.
* If you must walk alone at night, appear as "street-wise" as possible by dressing like a prostitute.
* According to the NRA, the best form of personal protection is to be in possession of a loaded firearm at all times. To ensure your personal safety, stay the hell away from NRA members.