Jokes

Things Not to say at Work

1.Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2.I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3.How about never? Is never good for you?
4.I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6.I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8.I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9.It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24.Do I look like a people person?
25.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33.Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
39.I am not trying to sexually harrass you in the workplace, I want to have sex with you out of the office.
40.Just because your right doesn't mean I can't lie and take credit for it myself
41.You are still working under the assumption that I care
42.I don't hate you, that would require too much effort I don't want to waste on you
43.I love deadlines, I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they fly by...............
44.Years from now we're both going to look back at this and laugh, until then I can laugh for both of us
45.You're my punishment from the last lifetime right.........?
46.1-900-Dial-a-Fuckup is offering rebates...right?
47.I'm sorry I can't help you, my insurance policy doesn't cover "Acts of
Complete Ignorance"
48.And that decision is why YOU were voted Senior Fry Cook over me........
49.I take you completely seriously Mr. Snookey-Wookums............
50.You're going to have to remove the head from up your ass so I can make room for my foot please.