Armageddon

Beam Me UP

[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon
are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more
fast paced version.]

8:00AM- Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous
begin to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five
inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming,
disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02AM-Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13AM-Taco Bell chihuahua calls a press conference to concede
that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing
with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him
irresistible anyway.

9:04AM-Global economy collapses-except in case of
Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:45AM-All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40AM-Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of
black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks.
Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32AM-In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is
declared "less filling".

11:47AM-Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair",
Moon becomes as blood.

12:00 NOON-Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all
seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked
positions."

12:03PM-Arrival of forces of good is covered live
on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any
chance of ambush.

1:11PM-Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46PM-Rampaging looters are surprised by the
softer side of Sears.

3:18PM-Saddam Hussein take Kuwait again; U.S.
issues a statement formally not giving a damn.

3:21PM-Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to
peck out eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56PM-Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20PM-Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little
things about droughts.

6:12PM-the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break
up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.

7:16PM-Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27PM-God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed
and kicks his ass.

10:00PM-Todays winning Lotto numbers are
announced. Congrats, you won!!!!

10:42PM-Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in
place of left hand of Lamb.

11:30PM-God finally answers all the big questions
(e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?).

12:00MIDNIGHT-Tied in the World Series, Boston Red
Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and- with
two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth- the
world blows up.

12:03AM-In deepest space, fleshy shreds of The
Artist Formerly Known as Prince rename themselves "Susan."