"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Jimmy Shubert
(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
--Richard Jeni
"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
--Franck Dubosc
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
--Stephen Wright
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
--John Wing
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
--Richard Jeni
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
--Tim Steeves
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
--Richard Jeni
My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
--Emo Philips
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
--Lenny Clarke
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
--Emo Philips
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'"
--Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
--Richard Jeni
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
--Jeff Green
"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my president get head."
--Elon Gold
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
--Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
--Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Richard Jeni
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
--Emo Philips