The Party

Introduction

There once was a group of sixth formers at Methwold High School who decided that as it was there last term at the school a party was necessary, this was expertly organised by... er... Sally, Simon and... er... that's it. The venue was a place that I've forgotten the name of (Woodland Lodge, or something similar perhaps), the dress was formal (all shorts knee-length), and the idea was that the alcohol would flow very freely and people would embarrass themselves completely on video. This happened. One teacher shouting to the camera 'I am f**king pissed', or words to that effect, was a prime example.But the main cause of embarrassment was the awards of the evening, these were of the humorous nature, or as they're known in the trade 'piss-takes'.

The exact people who got awards I'm hazy on, but a list of those that I remember are here...

• The Darwin Award, for advances to evolution (?) - Matthew Morgan
• The Swimming Award, sponsored by Top-Shop - Cadria Watkins, Sharon Laws and Diana Shrewsbury
• The Le Chatelier Award, for services to chemistry - Mr Currington
• The Atlas Award, for carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders - Ducan Philpott and Mr Rudd
• The Robocop Award, for metal bodies - Nicole Whitehead
• The Top Gear Award (?), for reversing cars - ???
• The Wayne King Award, for admiration of the female body - Carl Younge
• and, removed from the list by excessive censorship, The Grand Old Duke of York Award - Helen Gardner

But anyway, no party would be complete without presents (well, sort of) - everyone was given a name and had to buy a present for that person. These were often obscure and somewhat bizarre, but there would be too many to mention them all, suffice to say included in the list were...

• An inflatable sheep
• A jar of jam
• A sandwich
• A solitary carrot
• A pair of sweat bands
• A selection of pencils
• A framed picture of Mr Currington

But anyway, to the real meat of this, the party description, but first a quick note...

Disclaimer - These words were written on paper the day after the event, and the facts are, to the best of my knowledge, correct. Given the consumption of alcohol and a certain euphoric atmosphere, some poetic licence may have been used in the recollection of the memories, and for that I apologise. Once written on paper it was typed then sent to a friend as I knew his parents would appreciate it. Now I have placed it in HTML format with only spelling and presentation corrections made, as such all after this point is as I wrote it - apart from the post-scripts which I have deleted, they were unnecessary, the tag line is included for it's relevance. I apologise for any offence caused.

The Description

Matt,

Just thought I'd say hi, how you feeling ? Good night was it ? I have to say that it was definitely one of the best nights I'd had, and it was good to see that Simon was right that after a few (6 or 7 that day - I'm not sure, I think you drank one - you did say sorry) pints I'd be dancing.

But what I wanted to say, and do was just write down what I remember for posterity, or whatever. You see, as I lay prostrate (I almost wrote prostate) next to the toilet, after an aeon of excessive and violent vomiting, I tried to recall the funnier things that happened last night, the things that I will remember, and the things I can use to blackmail. And I decided that top of the list of humour (excluding the swimming award sponsored by Topshop, the Le Chatalier award [praise be to Him] and the Wayne King award etc.) would be me being physically carried to the dance floor many times :

• Sally and you the first with a camera filming me (though it wasn't recording I did remember)
• Helen and you the second (you carrying by the arms, and Helen the legs, and repeatedly juggling me about while Duncan filmed me [red light on this time - Damn!])
• Cadria the third (I remember dancing a bit, while looking for a gap in the mass of people there - given the fact we were in the middle of the dance floor it was hard. I also remember being dragged back by Cadria and Mrs Tilbrook once or twice - The Great Escape, Stalag Luft [many jokes are possible])
• Me alone (I physically dragged myself up to the dance floor and I recall one arm round Lauren and another round you in a group of people moving in a way somehow connected to the music)

Aside from that you were pretty funny yourself, the sheer genius of saying 'I'm alright' repetitively while sliding off the chair into a heap on the floor. Or standing up glass in hand, and falling forward, Shaun grabbing the glass away before any permanent damage was done, but the best part was when ten seconds later you would jump up start shaking your head as if to say 'hey man, no way did I collapse, I'm fine' then collapsing a minute or so later.

Shaun saying how amazingly drunk you were (and me as time progressed) - 'slaughtered' was mentioned so many times it could have been a punctuation mark.

Then of course there was James Robinson, (we could be in blackmail territory now) I don't know if it was obvious or not though it probably was) but he was dancing most of the night with Laura Gomez, then later, while in the toilet I heard a conversation similar to this :

Someone - why so unhappy ? (or words to that effect) [Apparently it was Simon]
James - you would be if you were this close to pulling Laura Gomez.

Something I found funny anyway (though it might never of actually happened).

Then of course there were the many comments I said to Shaun such as :

• I can walk in a straight line, it's just cornering that's a problem
• If I died now I wouldn't notice
• It seemed like a good idea at the time
• I'm going to regret this in the morning

And other such classics (incidentally the last one was incorrect - as far as I remember [bad sign] I didn't do anything too embarrassing).

Now I'm just remembering Mr Stonach and various journeys outside with you for fresh air (more for you than me [if you believe that you'll believe anything]), you collapsed on the table and looked half dead and with the intention of rounding up as soon as possible (to fully dead - in case you didn't work it out), there was a vague conversation with Stonach about the the foul taste of Kaliber (what he'd been drinking all night - so he'll know what happened), and you were saying you were happy and you danced with (or hugged - I can't remember) Cadria.

What other memorable things ? Journey home with my dad - window fully open, arm hanging outside (there was a beautiful moon if you noticed). He was telling me how he'd hit a deer on the way to collect me (beat that Lockyear) and I didn't believe him. Then when we stopped and I checked the front of the car to see if he was joking, I moved my hand to the head light passing through what should have been the glass front and burning myself on the bulb.

From the on there were only two other funny things :

• The first after being suggested that I go to bed was the reply 'downstairs is fine, upstairs is fine, it's just the transition between the two that worries me' (I *did* say transition - a long word, I know)
• And secondly walking up stairs pointing at each step and saying 'stair, stair, stair, stair, stair - hey I notice a pattern here'

There was the obvious vomitting and waking up with an aching stomach (but absolutely no headache) and a deep hope that I didn't do what Simon wanted and dance on the table with my shirt off.

Anyway, I'm glad I shared that, I'm going for a bath and try and feel human again.

See ya

Julian

--
Julian Fletcher
-----------------
So the Wayne King award for admiration of the female body goes to .... Carl Young'

News Just in...

Simon having seen the page felt obliged to add the following...

• There's other funny things.
• Matt saying he was going to hurt me cos he thought I'd snogged CWW (that was after he had drunk loads, fallen over, thrown up in a bush and collapsed on the dance floor)
• Nichole getting her nipples out for camera to show her piercing
• Bill going home early.
• Matt pounding my bedroom floor with his fist saying "you did! you did!you did!" after I denied snogging CWW

Also I remember (now)...

• Mr Baddock being, seemingly, completely out of it, sitting at a table, cigar in one hand, pint in the other, while everyone was on the dance floor dancing.
• Mr Lockyear being presented with a box of Grecian 2000
• Some teacher, I forget who (yeah, like I'm really going to forget it) asking why Bill got an inflatable sheep... My only reply was something to the effect of 'use your imagination'.

Also remembered, but remembered some time ago were...

[These are former taglines between me and Matt]

The problems of drink (1)
'You're gonna dance... Julian you're gonna dance... Listen, you will dance whether you like it or not... Hey you're dancing, or at least moving when the musics playing'

The problems of drink (2)
'Hey Matt...C'mere for this quick photograph...

'The problems of drink (3)
On viewing the video 'See, I told you Julian danced'
'That's dancing?'

The problems of drink (4)
Duncan: Hey Shaun! You're on camera!
Shaun:Duncan!, F*** off!

Anyway, for those who wish faces to put to names, here is a photo taken at the time.

Page last updated on 12th November 1998

Maintained by Julian Fletcher (julian@innocent.com)