Renovated Man

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having
 a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect.
After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the
muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from
 a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for
 him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that
might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk. The
 treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an
elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about
 it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever
experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or
adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light
 to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he
planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to
 one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the
middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release
the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis
sprang from his  pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a
roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at
first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was
incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering,
he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another
roll up my ass.



Rules that will hopefully help women to understand men.

1. Sports Center starts at 10:00 p.m. and runs an hour. This is
a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
3. Hangovers are never our fault, and we deserve sympathy.
4. Led Zeppelin and the Who are good make-out bands. Tori Amos,
Alanis Morrisette and Liz Phair are not.
5. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
6. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
7. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and
"the relationship."
8. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
9. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are,
watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and
picking out the beer.
10. Let us pick out our own ties.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
13. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why
 this happens
14. You could pay for dinner every now and then.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan.
Just accept that.
17. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of
post-coital conversation are not.
18. No, you can't have the remote control.
19. We do love you. We don't love many people, and we don't like
to say it very often. Too much of anything can diminish its value.
20. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever
leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and
only add to our discomfort´.