9 August 1996

3:15 am

It got really stuffy in here, so I put the air conditioner on, but it's so noisy that I won't go back to sleep, so I think I'll write a few lines. The past few days have been doozies! I've gotten no less than six pieces of mail from Suzy this week, plus a phone call last night (okay, 10 hours ago) asking if she can come to see me this weekend. Of course I said "Yeah!" so I started the process of cleaning a few hours ago. I still have some stuff to do today but it's not nearly as hopeless as it seemed.

You know, I'm not really that nervous at all, thinking about her coming here & seeing me. Just a little good kinda nervous. I was an hour or so after her phone call, but that's because I had to process. It was a bit of emotional overload and I had to sort through what I was feeling. Which was, mainly, having my "Are you sure you aren't going to fast?" buttons pushed, being reminded (just a tiny bit) of L*, and every other move I've contemplated in my whole life.

I wanted to write all this down earlier but I was just too tired before -- now that I need to wait for the room to cool, and have gotten a few hours sleep, I feel I can write some of my feelings down. I think the most significant fact is that (besides having some Pepto) I had no trouble falling asleep at all. To a big worry- wart like me, that speaks volumes. I know to the casual observer both Mary and I must seem nuts, things are going rather fast -- but it really does feel right. Even the possibility of going back up with her and spending a week doesn't seem altogether scary -- if it feels right, I'm gonna go for it! I think I've already pretty much decided to go back up with her, since I realized a few minutes after hanging up that I'd better go get my drugs today, otherwise I won't have enough to get through a trip. So, yeah, I've decided that if it feels right, I'm going.

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