11 december 1996 -- a poetic journal entry

she said i don't know why
you always have to do this
right before i have to go somewhere
i guess i could be mean and say
because there's never time in your schedule
although there's a grain of truth in that
that is not the reason

all kinds of things pop into my head
to say or to do
they all sound pathetic
like emotional blackmail
or manipulation
i wonder if that's all
i'm capable of anymore
passive-aggressive shit
and manipulation
is even showing her this
manupulation?

one thinks of the old saying
that if you think you are crazy
then you probably aren't
but i don't really think that applies

she wants me
to want to work
to look forward to working
to see the glass as half full
i can't even see the fucking glass
all i can see are shards
strewn in my path
ready to rip me to shreds

oh survivor part of me
where are you?
i really need you right now
to drown out the whining
the very tired part of me
that hates seeing doctor after doctor
counselor after counselor
telling me things
that are meant to encourage me
but really make me feel
even more
like a piece of shit

i guess i shouldn't have
gone off the prozac
but i am so tired of
having to start all over
with a new therapist
i've told the facts so many times
that there's no emotion left
it just sounds like a story
that i've told way too many times
who can believe me?
i know i don't believe me anymore

i hate this shit
i hate myself for getting into this shit
i hate myself for getting others
caught up in my shit
feeling sorry for me
that is
when they're not exasperated

goddess forgive me
for doing this to her
help her to forgive me
it sure looks like i'm determined
to get her to make me leave
why can't i find more healthy ways
to ask for help
without being a victim once again?
i'm so tired of being a victim
so why can't i stop?

why didn't i just stay in houma?
where i could have just given up?
why not?
because deep down inside
i can't give up
inside of the victim dee
is the survivor dee
who keeps getting overwhelmed
by the panic of the victim
and she's about ready to give up too
please goddess
don't let me die
help me live
help mary to put up with me

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