28 July 1996
What follows is most of the entry for this date. A large section of it has been rewritten as 17 March 1973 and will be denoted as such.
I really wanted to start this days ago, but I was either too wired up or too exhausted to start. I think I will begin this journal by writing down the facts of my rape as I remember them, and then the aftermath, etc.
This section is rewritten as 17 March 1973.
Now that I've got all that out of the way, I can write a bit about the therapy on Friday (the 26th). It was weird but cool. It was scary when those emotions just came out of nowhere, I didn't even try, they just popped up. But it was good, cathartic, because I haven't felt any of that pain in what seems like forever. Or, I should say, I haven't felt that pain when I thought about the rape -- because that pain, that terror, that sheer panic does pop up every now and then, when something triggers it, I just didn't know consciously where it came from. And June [my therapist] was right, after the first [eye movement desensitization] session, I did retreat, I guess I wasn't ready to revisit that pain so soon. Maybe next time when she gets the emotions to pop up she should go at it longer.
I have this photo of myself, five and a half years old, smiling, happy, full of life and ready to take life on. And I look at that DeeDee and I say I want you back, I know you're hidden deep inside me, buried under all the pain, but you are the one that keeps saying, "Oh, Debbie, don't give up, I know you're trying your best to rescue me, I know you will do it! Please don't give up!" Then there's the wounded animal Dee, who aches every time the debris of painful memories is shifted around -- I must find some way to calm this Dee, tell her it's all right, yes, it will hurt, but once I clear all this shit off of her then it will stop hurting. But I promise, I'll only do it a little at a time, not to hurt you too much, but it has to be done, or else it will hurt forever.
Then I remind the wounded Dee that she has done so well the past three years, we have remembered so much that we had forgotten. It used to be a fortress of lost memories, now it's only a brick wall between us and the happy child-woman DeeDee. Remember, you used to be in such horrible pain, all the time, you just wanted to die. But now you're strong, almost all healed, you can deal with the pain of finally cleaning out that old wound and stitching it up. The child DeeDee used to be always and forever 9, but she has grown the past few years and she is very nearly now an adult. We must help her so she can be a grown woman, with her own life and someone to love. But you were a good protector, Dee, guarding the memories until we were strong enough to deal with them and begin healing. You're a good Dee, a very good Dee.