i lied

4 july 1995

i lied to myself
it is hell
because she does not feel the same
okay it might not have been hell
if she still shared
some kind of love with me
but she told me
to leave her alone
she did not feel the same
she never did
and never intends to

she says she needs time to heal too
why should she?
because i loved her?
i gave her love
in a sea full of hatred
worked to exhaustion
for the joy of working with her
but now i am the bad pitiful one
because i dared to ask for
what appeared to be offered
because i dared to expect
my love to be returned
because i dared to hope for
a soulmate
rather than an instructor

why should she act as if
she is as hurt as i am?
to act as if my love
is an insult to her
that i cannot begin to understand