for margaret gibson: the vigil

Written on 13 February 1998, during Ms. Gibson's lecture about The Vigil (and several of her other books) here at Centenary. I highly recommend The Vigil.

i sit here
and all the things she says
resonate in me
the background of
dysfunction
the shame
the unbearable truth that
can never be told in words
that is so large
a universe of words
could not contain it

i try to express myself
but i am so overwhelmed
by what she is saying
that the words don't come out right
and i look stupid
once again
the story of my life

it angers and irritates me
sitting with all these children
freshly into their lives
who've never had to live
through the crap i've had to
who have no understanding
of the catharsis that
the vigil was to me
and i know to express that
in this class
would only bring me shame

i am trying so hard
to live my life
as true to myself as i can
and i keep banging into
the brick wall of my past
once again
fiction mirrors life
there must be some lesson
i'm trying to avoid
if i must be
reminded of it
over and over again