Big Fish
As a young boy Michael helped his mother cook,
Down by her apron strings the whole day long.
Knife in hand, her eyes trained on the recipe book
He'd salivate as she sang out this song:

Cut the onions, start the dicing.
Listen up Mike, it's the right thing.
Chop the parsnip for a rich dish
In the small pond you'll be a big fish.
In the small pond you'll be a big fish.

When in college our lad made some special friends,
Kept him from subversives and their kind.
Swirled within a world of sports and dividends.
And the song they sang was etched upon his mind:

Cut the hair off the hippy sleeping.
Listen up Mike, it's the right thing.
Chop the fringes off the freakish.
In the small pond you'll be a big fish.
In the small pond you'll be a big fish.

Thirty-five, a burning drive possessed him
To be the greatest golfer in North Bay.
Sometimes a fear of failure near obsessed him.
But then he'd hear the other golfer's say:

Cut the motion on your back swing.
Listen up Mike, it's the right thing.
Chop the golf ball with a big swish.
In the small pond you'll be a big fish.
In the small pond you'll be a big fish.

Now he's breaking bread with heads of industry.
The captain in the autumn of his years.
He proceeds with Messianical rabidity.
When he echoes mother's words he hears the cheers:

Cut the welfare, and public housing.
Listen up Mike, it's the right thing.
Chop the health-care, you'll get your wish.
In the small pond you'll be a big fish

Cut the child-care and the schooling.
Listen up Mike, it's the right-wing.
Chop the free-lunch for the poorish.

In the small pond you'll be a big fish.
In the small pond you'll be a big fish.
In the small pond you'll be a big fish.


Jenny Washington
It's ten-til-two and I've not a thing to do.
How can I get my picks of human zoo?
A daily treat full of lies and deceit.
My pleasure's begun with Jenny Washington.

Cause dad's from Mars and baby likes porno flicks.
Mom hates the blacks and junior's turning tricks.
There's therapy for my whole family
Each weekday at one on Jenny Washington.

Consistently number one, it's Jenny Washington
For three years in a row, the highest rated show
She's sexy and sensitive. She's showing us how we live.
Remember it's one for fun, Jenny Washington!

Sibling lust and doctors on angel dust.
Arsonist kids and crooks they couldn't bust.
Nazi teens they say it's in the genes.
There's plenty of fun in degradation.

A pleasure cruise on an ocean of hot issues.
Get people to fight and serve it up as news.
Talk is cheap except when it goes -BLEEP-.
The nun with the gun, Jenny Washington.

Cause it's the new number one, it's Jenny Washington.
She puts the "f" in fuss, she puts the "u" is us.
She's sexy and sensitive. She's showing us how we live.
Remember it's one for fun, Jenny Washington!


The Greatest Man in America
Ditto..

Ditto...

Ditto....

Ditto.....

Coming from Canada, we love those leaders who pesonify the US way to be,
There was JFK, and LBJ, and WKRP.
But of all of these there is not one to rival the greatest genius of them all
He's a megalo with a healthy glow
He's the man called Rush Limbaugh.

He's a dose of P.T. Barnum
With a Mussolini twist.
There in the limosine, parked on the lawn,
He's a goofy Gengis Khan.

Not since Jesus Christ has the world seen someone
With such widely sindicated views
Hundreds of years from now they'll celebrate Rush-mas
And Rush-ashana for the Jews.
'Cause he'll pull the plug on femi-nazis, paranoid minorities and gays.
He's a burning bush with a network push,
Sure to start a country-wide blaze.

He taught me to love and praise Charlton Heston
Oliver North is quite a nice man too.
Forget Al and Tipper
Let's bring back the Gipper
And Joe McCarthy too!

I was a troubled soul, consumed by voices advocating special interest groups and vice
'Till Rush rushed to my sweet rescue
Now I'll never ever hafta think twice.
Never ever hafta think twice...

So we'll sign a check for Limbaugh-ism
Restore the moral fundamental core
We'll cut the debt,
And start a Tete
Offensive on the poor.
It's a blitzkrieg in the making,
It's distinctly upper-class (well, not everybody!)
Yes sir I'll get the door
Roll the carpet on the floor
For a man...
For a man...
For a man...
Such a man...
For a man....
With his head up his-

Ditto!

Ditto!

Ditto!

Ditto!

Ask us the name the name of the King - It's Rush!


Ash Hash
Now, if all that ash used to be hash
What the heck time is it now?
Last thing I remember I was looking at my stash
Just before the late late show
Then we threw a couple movies in the VCR
And I remember driving Buddy home in the car
Well, we got not gas so we couldn't have got far...
What the heck time is it now?

Oh, my weary and aching head
You know, I gotta get some thinking done
I can't remember where I put the bed...
I ain't moved it since '71

I got a real funny feeling I'm about to fall down
I hope I find my way to the ground
I hate to spend the whole night floating around
In the condition I'm in.

First thing in the morning I'm giving myself a break
You kind of get an early warning when you're fingernails and eyelids ache
Well, it might be closer to the afternoon
But the big point is, I'm gonna do it soon

There ain't nothing underneath this moon
Will ever make me toke another take!

...But what's that on the table?
Why, it looks like a little chunk
I bet old Petey dropped that there
He always was a drunk
Well, it looks so good just sitting there
I believe what I need is a bite of the hair
Doggone stuff is like a breath of fresh air
Think I'm gonna sell the farm (and buy more)
Think I'm gonna sell the farm (find the door)
Think I'm gonna sell the farm.


I Love My Boss
He can't stand a loss
He's always cross
His name is Ross... my [boss]
I love my boss

I love my boss
He isn't full of fluff and gloss
He gives me work and many chores to do
My model, like Ben Cartwright to Hoss

And though he pays me minimum wage
It's all I deserve at this stage
Some union hack said I should ask for more
I answered with suitable rage

I love my boss
I love my boss
I love my boss
I love my boss

One day I came to work too late
I'd had a Früvous luncheon date
My boss he summoned me to speak with him
I sweated, awaiting my fate
He said "you're done!"
He chased me two blocks with a gun
But my dear boss let me apologize
In hindsite, there wasn't a gun.

He's going out now with my sister
They go real heavy on the sauce
I'd like to tell him watch out mister
But he's the boss
My friends they say that I am clinging
Ask why I'm carrying this cross
Who knows what club-med will be bringing
From dear old boss

Examples:
Bosses through the ages prove
They're the ones who make it move
Bewitched would have an empty plate
If it weren't for Larry Tate
Clark Kent reached the highest height
With the help of Perry White
And if we may be retrograde
Speak the name Reuben Kincaid

Now the other workers all say "Wow!"
When I roll over and I shake a paw
My boss is my brother-in-law

I love my boss
I love my boss
I love my boss
I love my boss


Gord's Gold
She had that disposition
Sent all the boys a wishin'
As we trickled down the coast of Peggy's hide-a-way.

We loaded up the cube vans,
The days were steeped in Ray-Bans
That reflected love's embrace from which I shyed away.

And I wouldn't know her ass from a deep hole in the ground,
Lined with bushes and a fence that the neighbors placed around;
Make a child with me.


Johnny Saucep'n
Well he was just some Johnny Saucep'n when he walked into that kitchen
And the chef picked up the order and put down his Solzhenitysen
He said "make yourself at home, boy, I just prewarmed all the griddles
Ya got 20 minutes, starting now, to make some gourmet vittles"

Basil endive parmesan shrimp live
Lobster hamster worchester muenster
Caviar radiccio snow pea scampi
Roquefort meat squirt blue beef red alert
Pork hocs side flank cantaloupe sheep shanks
Provolone flatbread goat's head soup
Gruyere cheese angelhair please
And a vichyssoise and a cabbage and a crawfish claws.

Sure he was just some Johnny Saucep'n when he walked into that kitchen
But his genius with the foodstuffs got the old chef's tastebuds itchin'
Johnny Saucep'n bought the restaurant and the chef came all unglued
There will always be a lineup for that strange and wonderful food.

Basil endive parmesan shrimp live
Lobster hamster worchester muenster
Caviar radiccio snow pea scampi
Roquefort meat squirt blue beef red alert
Pork hocs side flank cantaloupe sheep shanks
Provolone flatbread goat's head soup
Gruyere cheese angelhair please
And a vichyssoise and a cabbage and a crawfish claws.


The Ballad of Cedric Fruvous
Up until just recently
Gambling was thought to be blasphemy
Like Wilson Phillips, evil stuff

But Canada is changing fast
Loosening it up at last legally
The new narcotic, take a puff.

Casinos open to raise funds for social needs
Full of roulette wheels,
Black jack and video slot machines.

Now guys like Cedric perform benevolent deeds.
I've been saving up my welfare
Just to throw the dice on the velvet greens.

Money made by dealing folks
Goes to helping healing folks 'cross the land
I stand and proudly gush.

Casinos are a ministry handled governmentally
Show your hand.
I almost had a royal flush.

Since Cedric spent his last dime on 15 to 2.
I put my chips on 32 red it went to black instead.
Guys like Cedric are pulling Medicaire through.

Now they're asking me to leave,
And I'm poor and I'm peeved so I just might heave.

So he mortgaged the house and he traded the kids
And he studied the odds and he practiced the bids.
The he ran to province next door to his
Where casinos were a brand new flourishing biz.

His new found luck at blackjack brought him such wealth
They realized he'd make a perfect Minister of Health.

Now he's wearing all the hats
Hanging out with bureaucrats at bookie joints.
He's a public money sponge.

Watch him place another bet
We go deeper into debt losing points
And credit ratings plunge

We've made a virtue of that which used to be vice:
Lower tax on corporations, gambling donations pay the bills.

Now gambling addicts are civil servants with dice:
Selling health to the hopeless, pocketing the profits, curing our ills.

Our social service is getting nervous
As Cedric hands it to one-armed bandits.
It's hell for purists but swell for tourists so yeah!


Entropy
Galileo, Netwon, Watt, they were genuises all.
Without them we'd be freezing in the dark at the mall.
James Joule found total energy remains the same
No matter what it's form.
That's why it carries his name.

A chemical, electrical, potential and heat,
Radiant, kinetic, ooh the list is incomplete.
They're always changing back and forth
It's really quite a blur
oh, how could he?
I've forgotten nuclear!

Ride a barrel down the falls
Then cook spaghetti with meatballs.
Really make your friends amazed.
Nuke it with some gamma rays.
Fly to Venus in a rocket.
Put your finger in a socket.
You may suffer from exhaust,
But none of that energy is ever really lost.

Then why can't we make a clean machine that moves perpetually?
Cause there's another law with which all energy must agree.
Whenever it changes form, it loses quality
in other words...
Damn that rising entropy!

It's entropy you see that turns finess into mess
A palace to a pig-stye why it's simply scandalous!
Energy once neat degenerates into waste heat (We must repeat.)
Because of entropy.


The Kids' Song (aka: Spicer for Kids)
We took the babies we knew and the toddlers we knew,
Said we'd like to get a slice of life from your point of view
'Cause you cry and laugh a lot more than us older folks do
It's a Spicer show especially for you.

The markers that I just got are non-toxic
And my sister says the lake is quite dioxic
I don't know what these words mean,
I just want to play where it's clean
But something in the backyard make my dog sick.

Is there something you like? (squirt-gunning my dog!)
Is there something you hate? (when my turtle ate my gerbil)
Is it fun to take a bath (no...sometimes...yes) balbum-(yes, no, sometimes, yeah)
Should Quebec separate?
Well, we'll try and handle that for you
And make a better world, so you can have kids too.

My mom is French, and she's a candy striper
When my dad sings 'Save the Queen' she gets real hyper
She says "Douglas, keep your paws
Off my Notwithstanding clause"
And they argue, and forget about my diaper (gross!)

Is there something you like? (Jurassic Park)
Is there something you despise? (when I ate too many crayons)
Do you like to play with dolls? (not dolls, action figures)
Do you have a gender bias? (my sister is three....gender biases)
Well, we'll try to handle that for you
And make a better world, so you can have kids too.

Hello, I'm Gabby and I just got here from Chile (welcome Gabby!)
I like Canada, except that it is chilly
I met Premier Bob Rae, and he ain't no Pinochet
My mother makes a spicy bowl of chili (three rhymes!)
Is there something you like? (squirt-gunning my Shreddies)
Is there something you hate (reject)? (food that isn't pizza)
What's your favourite colour? (fuschia...teal)
Is that politically correct?
Well, we'll try and handle that for you
And make a better world, so you can have kids too.

Now the kids have held court, and we're glad to report
That from now on we'll take orders from the young and the short
In fact, adults should only speak up as a final resort
When there's a grown-up problem through which one must sort
Trust the people for whom living is a sport
If you need us we'll be backyard in our new treefort.


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