Understanding Embrace

I looked outside the window, the scenery blurring before my eyes and turning into only a mix of colors with no boundaries. Everything merged into one mass mess that did not need to be defined. I wonder if I will ever be free to slow down and look at things as I did as a child. It was so long ago, I've forgotten what fresh-cut grass smells like, how chlorine water of a pool tasted when laughter let the chemical water in. Silly things, small things, but moments I miss all the more.

There is a revenge I'm living for, aiming for. It's all that I can live for. Yet I've begun to see things differently. Is that wrong or right? I'm looking to you for something more to my life, something more pleasurable. I don't know if I can trust this feeling, however. How can I trust this feeling that I once held... when I had before, only disaster followed.

Yet you are the only one that makes things not so hard to live through. You make the long meetings a bit more bearable. The guilt is a little less when I think of you. I don't want to leave you, and in my heart I feel that once my revenge is taken I will be unable to come back to you. But do I turn in everything I've worked at for you? I can't do that... I cannot let the people once under my family's rule down. I cannot let them remain captive in the Alliance's cold grip.

No matter where I turn it's all hell... all the choices, all the options. The Alliance falls but when OZ rises with Romerfellar it'll just be the same... a repeat of the same history. There is no ultimate peace that can be achieved right now. So... you are the closest I'll ever get to being content, perhaps even happy.

I stepped off the train and looked around the small depot. After gathering my bags I found a cab and found myself being driven towards the hotel where I was to meet you. I looked out the windows again, occasionally catching glimpses of old, cobblestone sidewalks and classic-styled homes. Once we stopped I paid the fare and took my bags into the hotel lobby.

The entrance was elegantly decorated with red-velvet seating and oriental rugs. A chandelier hung from the high ceiling and off to the side I noted an old caged elevator. I looked around, trying to spot you sitting on one of the comfortable chairs. The head of ginger-hair caught my eye and I approached you. You stood, smiling charmingly - but not one of the fake smiles that you so often gave to your soldiers and your public. I recall you scowling at me, reaching to remove the dark glasses I wore. I pulled back before you could, however, and I managed to distract you enough that he did not try again.

The room you led me to was a beautiful suite with a secluded balcony overlooking a peaceful lake. I stood before the glass doors, staring, and you came up behind me, arms wrapping about my waist. I couldn't relax myself, however, and you had to pull me gently to lean against you. This would be our last night alone during the damnable war, I knew it then and I still know it now. Forever that day remains in my mind, for I can still recall your fingers working through my hair, undoing the braid I had woven and then you removed my glasses, tossing them aside before you turned me around.

I leaned against you, responding to your lips against mine. It was our last day as ourselves - our last day to keep our masks hidden away. Too many times would we have to don varying masks. Both of us heroes and both of us villains. We did not play one role, we played many. At that time we never knew just how tiring that would be.

It was our night away from the world. Together as no one could have imagined. A night of love and honesty... of beauty and passion. A fond memory, probably the only fond one of the war. In the weeks and months that followed that night we would become so twisted and lost that not even we could recognize one another. It was as if our identities had been stolen away and broken into shards...

I was still so lost and still grieving, searching for something more in my life. I would have my revenge, I assured myself, but what came after that? I would be a fool to think that once I completed my mission my war was over. There was so much more that would remain afterwards, but what path would I follow? One of love or a path where I would never see you again? I did not know what to do and although I meant to speak to you about it at that time, I forgot my heavy thoughts as I lost myself in your warm embrace.

Dinner was splendid that evening. You and I were dressed at our best and I wore nothing to cover my face. In that place we had no fear of being recognized. We even danced, I recall, and although there were a number of stares - some disgusted and others longing - it did not matter. It was our night. A night for ourselves, a night for memories... worries needn't be included.

A harsh reality slapped my face, however, once we had returned to the room and I went to shower and prepare for bed. The hot water fell over me calmingly and I recall smiling and humming one silly love song or another. I finally stopped the water and stepped out, wringing my hair out over the tub and then wrapping a towel around it. I dried myself off and slipped into a pair of pajama bottoms. Both the large mirror and a hand mirror were steamed up so I began wiping it away. I caught my reflection in the hand mirror and I stared.

Pale crystal eyes stared back at me beneath delicate eyebrows. There was a haunted look to them, even though I had just been humming happily and thinking of wonderful promises yet to be fulfilled. I raised the mirror to a better angle, still staring at it. I found a different face staring back, one covered in a cruel, metal mask and a sneer on the face. I dropped the mirror to my side, running a hand through my hair. How could I feel such a way on a wonderful night like that? I lifted my eyes to the large mirror. Great emotion poured into me when I saw the haunted gaze staring back at me. Anger... such an intense anger mixed with an... emptiness that I could not fully define.

“Keep away from me!” I remember screaming. With a great force I threw the hand mirror at the other one, watching my reflection crack as both mirrors became damaged. I still could see those haunted eyes and I began ripping at the shards, trying to ruin the mirror enough so that I wouldn't see anything. I didn't want to see anything. The night really had been too perfect, I realized, like some fairy tale. But this was reality - this broken, cruel me... that person that was staring from the shattered reflection.

You ran in suddenly although I did not notice until you pulled me away from the shards and began picking glass shards from my skin quickly and wrapping my hands and arms in towels. I was sobbing dry, shuttering sobs that wracked my body. I clung to you tightly, wanting to scream again. If only I could live in the fantasy realm where everything was going perfect... It was myself that betrayed me and ruined that dream.

I argued with you, screamed at you to leave me alone. How was it possible for an empty soul like myself to be loved anyway? But you stayed there... remained with me until my sobs stopped and I was shuddering silently. You lifted me up in your arms and carried me to the bed we were to share. You removed the towels and switched it to a clean one. As you dropped the old one away I blinked, slowly coming back to reality and noting the sharp pain in my hands. The white towel was stained the sickening color of blood red. When I looked back to you I was met with a worried sapphire gaze.

“I'm sorry...” I whispered, eyes averting and then closing. The memories from before that time were wonderful... content and pleasing... But I'd destroyed our final day together. Wincing in a mixture of pain and guilt, I raised my gaze again to yours and apologized again. “I've ruined it...”

“No you haven't, love...” you assured softly, touching the locks of hair that fell into my face. The towel I had wrapped about my wet hair earlier had gone missing, probably during my attack on the mirrors.

I looked away, out the glass doors as we sat there in silence. I finally found the courage to speak again and I whispered, “I hate myself. How can you love me?”

“I cannot prevent what you feel... nor can I prevent what I feel... I love you, don't ever... ever doubt it...” A gentle kiss touched the corner of my lips. I gave in, turning back to you and pressing gently at your lips with my tongue. As the evening went on, I slowly removed my hands from their cloth wraps and cupped your face as you guided me down to lay flat on my back.

The rest of the night was wonderful and fit in with the earlier memories. Only the painful sting in my hands reminded me that not all had gone as well as we had hoped. But even with that break in memory... it was worth it. That night with you was worth it. We returned to our duties, I donning the metal mask that hide my face and my being and also the white gloves that hid all scars of my self doubt and self hatred. I did end up taking my revenge and when I faced you afterwards our conversation reveled that I soon would be leaving you. It would not work to have us remain together. From there we both wore different masks. At times I never knew it. And more than often, I did not know myself.

No one could understand my actions and my different roles. Changing from neutral, to ally, to foe...I was not trustworthy. I could not even believe in myself. As time progressed and my roles increased I could not banish the thought that you must hate me from my mind. I betrayed you and tricked you quite often, what else could you feel for me? I had wanted to hide... so badly I wanted to hide... but I couldn't. I was too big of player in the horrible drama of the war. I became involved, soon settling in my final persona.

In stories, isn't is the hero that wins? The villains are to die with their evil cause, the heroes are to live and find great love and fortune with happiness after. But then why did this end as it did? The villain has lived... there is no happiness in sight for myself. I see you nowhere. The hero died. He died alone and not fully known.

I didn't ever want to appear again, alive. For the villain to appear is too disastrous. To have both hero and villain die would have been suiting, but the two players did not. I saw a broadcast by chance as I wandered silently and alone in the snow one evening. I saw a young child with red hair and an adult vocabulary. I heard her speak the words that would destroy the peace that we had tried so hard to gain. She was your daughter.

I felt you, I felt your soul urging me to stop her and set her on a better path. I recall making arrangements and heading to the Preventer's building, to set up myself as an agent. I appeared to the world again. So misunderstood, as I had expected. Some hate, some amazement, some worship. It once made me laugh to see the crowds act that way. I had to hide, I couldn't walk the streets anymore without people casting odd glances my way.

Even at the Preventers Headquarters I wasn't comfortable. Old acquaintances made chilling memories return in full for me. Their eyes when they met mine could not possibly see the true me... no one could view me as you had. No one could read me as well as you did. When my sister presented a project I took that opportunity to leave. Noin - dear Noin - requested to come along. I agreed... of everyone she was perhaps the only one that would have a chance at knowing me...

I wish you were here, beloved. I wish you could see me... I wish you could stop me... I lost control and gave into a mad wish and desire... I gave up... I can't believe I gave up. The warrior stopped his struggle... The jar of medication lies empty on the carpet before me. I feel sick and lightheaded... of course... why wouldn't I be?

I wish I hadn't done it. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have given up. But is there anyway to stop it? There is no way to reach the medic center in time... It's too hard to even kneel. Noin... where is she... Noin! I need to ask her... get her to...

But they won't understand... they won't be able to comprehend why there are scars over my hands and on my wrists. No one will understand why I tried this... why I took the remaining medication all at once. Why did I? I don't even understand. All I want is for you to be here, to hold me again and tell me that you love me. I want to reply with that I hate myself, how can you love me? I want you to reassure me as you once did that no matter what has passed, you love me... you'll always love me... It's too hard to think anymore. I wonder if I'll be joining you now in that restful silence of death. I fall forward, sight fading to nothing.

My eyes blinks open slowly, completely unfocused. The strange sound of my breathing makes me realize that an oxygen mask lies over my face. A hand reaches to take it off, however, and slowly shapes and colors are defined. A hospital room. How...

“Oh God Zechs you scared me...” just above a whisper I hear her voice. Slowly, so that the room doesn't spin, I turn my head and find Noin sitting right next to the bed. Tears are still shining in her eyes as she gazes at me and reaches to touch my hand.

She shakes her head slowly, wiping away the remaining tears. “It's alright...” she whispers. “You were still mumbling when I found you... It's alright... I... might be able to understand.” She provides a small smile, placing on a brave face.

Dear Noin, so trusting. Her obsession has merged into real love, I can finally see that now. Her smile and her eyes hold a better promise, that perhaps I will not be left along. I turn my gaze back to the ceiling. Perhaps living without you can be alright after all. Perhaps others can learn to understand... if I only teach them. One can hope. If hope dies, well, I can plan from there if that does happen... At the moment I need more rest, to settle with my decision.


	Lionna's Corner of Anime Fanfiction \| home Gundam Wing fanfics Understanding Embrace By: ((Shinigami Goddess)) Content: yaoi implication ((13x6)), angst, suicide attempt, a bit dark I suppose Song: “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls [from the City of Angels soundtrack or their album Dizzy Up The Girl] Disclaimer: Characters be not mine. The story idea is, however. June 21, 2001 //blah\\ = lyrics ~ * ~ * ~ I looked outside the window, the scenery blurring before my eyes and turning into only a mix of colors with no boundaries. Everything merged into one mass mess that did not need to be defined. I wonder if I will ever be free to slow down and look at things as I did as a child. It was so long ago, I've forgotten what fresh-cut grass smells like, how chlorine water of a pool tasted when laughter let the chemical water in. Silly things, small things, but moments I miss all the more. //And I'd give up forever to touch you 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now\\ There is a revenge I'm living for, aiming for. It's all that I can live for. Yet I've begun to see things differently. Is that wrong or right? I'm looking to you for something more to my life, something more pleasurable. I don't know if I can trust this feeling, however. How can I trust this feeling that I once held... when I had before, only disaster followed. Yet you are the only one that makes things not so hard to live through. You make the long meetings a bit more bearable. The guilt is a little less when I think of you. I don't want to leave you, and in my heart I feel that once my revenge is taken I will be unable to come back to you. But do I turn in everything I've worked at for you? I can't do that... I cannot let the people once under my family's rule down. I cannot let them remain captive in the Alliance's cold grip. No matter where I turn it's all hell... all the choices, all the options. The Alliance falls but when OZ rises with Romerfellar it'll just be the same... a repeat of the same history. There is no ultimate peace that can be achieved right now. So... you are the closest I'll ever get to being content, perhaps even happy. //And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life 'Cause sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight\\ I stepped off the train and looked around the small depot. After gathering my bags I found a cab and found myself being driven towards the hotel where I was to meet you. I looked out the windows again, occasionally catching glimpses of old, cobblestone sidewalks and classic-styled homes. Once we stopped I paid the fare and took my bags into the hotel lobby. The entrance was elegantly decorated with red-velvet seating and oriental rugs. A chandelier hung from the high ceiling and off to the side I noted an old caged elevator. I looked around, trying to spot you sitting on one of the comfortable chairs. The head of ginger-hair caught my eye and I approached you. You stood, smiling charmingly - but not one of the fake smiles that you so often gave to your soldiers and your public. I recall you scowling at me, reaching to remove the dark glasses I wore. I pulled back before you could, however, and I managed to distract you enough that he did not try again. The room you led me to was a beautiful suite with a secluded balcony overlooking a peaceful lake. I stood before the glass doors, staring, and you came up behind me, arms wrapping about my waist. I couldn't relax myself, however, and you had to pull me gently to lean against you. This would be our last night alone during the damnable war, I knew it then and I still know it now. Forever that day remains in my mind, for I can still recall your fingers working through my hair, undoing the braid I had woven and then you removed my glasses, tossing them aside before you turned me around. //And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am\\ I leaned against you, responding to your lips against mine. It was our last day as ourselves - our last day to keep our masks hidden away. Too many times would we have to don varying masks. Both of us heroes and both of us villains. We did not play one role, we played many. At that time we never knew just how tiring that would be. It was our night away from the world. Together as no one could have imagined. A night of love and honesty... of beauty and passion. A fond memory, probably the only fond one of the war. In the weeks and months that followed that night we would become so twisted and lost that not even we could recognize one another. It was as if our identities had been stolen away and broken into shards... I was still so lost and still grieving, searching for something more in my life. I would have my revenge, I assured myself, but what came after that? I would be a fool to think that once I completed my mission my war was over. There was so much more that would remain afterwards, but what path would I follow? One of love or a path where I would never see you again? I did not know what to do and although I meant to speak to you about it at that time, I forgot my heavy thoughts as I lost myself in your warm embrace. What I wouldn't give to be lost in your kiss once again... //And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive\\ Dinner was splendid that evening. You and I were dressed at our best and I wore nothing to cover my face. In that place we had no fear of being recognized. We even danced, I recall, and although there were a number of stares - some disgusted and others longing - it did not matter. It was our night. A night for ourselves, a night for memories... worries needn't be included. A harsh reality slapped my face, however, once we had returned to the room and I went to shower and prepare for bed. The hot water fell over me calmingly and I recall smiling and humming one silly love song or another. I finally stopped the water and stepped out, wringing my hair out over the tub and then wrapping a towel around it. I dried myself off and slipped into a pair of pajama bottoms. Both the large mirror and a hand mirror were steamed up so I began wiping it away. I caught my reflection in the hand mirror and I stared. Pale crystal eyes stared back at me beneath delicate eyebrows. There was a haunted look to them, even though I had just been humming happily and thinking of wonderful promises yet to be fulfilled. I raised the mirror to a better angle, still staring at it. I found a different face staring back, one covered in a cruel, metal mask and a sneer on the face. I dropped the mirror to my side, running a hand through my hair. How could I feel such a way on a wonderful night like that? I lifted my eyes to the large mirror. Great emotion poured into me when I saw the haunted gaze staring back at me. Anger... such an intense anger mixed with an... emptiness that I could not fully define. “Keep away from me!” I remember screaming. With a great force I threw the hand mirror at the other one, watching my reflection crack as both mirrors became damaged. I still could see those haunted eyes and I began ripping at the shards, trying to ruin the mirror enough so that I wouldn't see anything. I didn't want to see anything. The night really had been too perfect, I realized, like some fairy tale. But this was reality - this broken, cruel me... that person that was staring from the shattered reflection. You ran in suddenly although I did not notice until you pulled me away from the shards and began picking glass shards from my skin quickly and wrapping my hands and arms in towels. I was sobbing dry, shuttering sobs that wracked my body. I clung to you tightly, wanting to scream again. If only I could live in the fantasy realm where everything was going perfect... It was myself that betrayed me and ruined that dream. //And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am\\ I argued with you, screamed at you to leave me alone. How was it possible for an empty soul like myself to be loved anyway? But you stayed there... remained with me until my sobs stopped and I was shuddering silently. You lifted me up in your arms and carried me to the bed we were to share. You removed the towels and switched it to a clean one. As you dropped the old one away I blinked, slowly coming back to reality and noting the sharp pain in my hands. The white towel was stained the sickening color of blood red. When I looked back to you I was met with a worried sapphire gaze. “I'm sorry...” I whispered, eyes averting and then closing. The memories from before that time were wonderful... content and pleasing... But I'd destroyed our final day together. Wincing in a mixture of pain and guilt, I raised my gaze again to yours and apologized again. “I've ruined it...” “No you haven't, love...” you assured softly, touching the locks of hair that fell into my face. The towel I had wrapped about my wet hair earlier had gone missing, probably during my attack on the mirrors. I looked away, out the glass doors as we sat there in silence. I finally found the courage to speak again and I whispered, “I hate myself. How can you love me?” “I cannot prevent what you feel... nor can I prevent what I feel... I love you, don't ever... ever doubt it...” A gentle kiss touched the corner of my lips. I gave in, turning back to you and pressing gently at your lips with my tongue. As the evening went on, I slowly removed my hands from their cloth wraps and cupped your face as you guided me down to lay flat on my back. //And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am\\ The rest of the night was wonderful and fit in with the earlier memories. Only the painful sting in my hands reminded me that not all had gone as well as we had hoped. But even with that break in memory... it was worth it. That night with you was worth it. We returned to our duties, I donning the metal mask that hide my face and my being and also the white gloves that hid all scars of my self doubt and self hatred. I did end up taking my revenge and when I faced you afterwards our conversation reveled that I soon would be leaving you. It would not work to have us remain together. From there we both wore different masks. At times I never knew it. And more than often, I did not know myself. No one could understand my actions and my different roles. Changing from neutral, to ally, to foe...I was not trustworthy. I could not even believe in myself. As time progressed and my roles increased I could not banish the thought that you must hate me from my mind. I betrayed you and tricked you quite often, what else could you feel for me? I had wanted to hide... so badly I wanted to hide... but I couldn't. I was too big of player in the horrible drama of the war. I became involved, soon settling in my final persona. You played the hero. I played the villain. In stories, isn't is the hero that wins? The villains are to die with their evil cause, the heroes are to live and find great love and fortune with happiness after. But then why did this end as it did? The villain has lived... there is no happiness in sight for myself. I see you nowhere. The hero died. He died alone and not fully known. //And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am\\ I didn't ever want to appear again, alive. For the villain to appear is too disastrous. To have both hero and villain die would have been suiting, but the two players did not. I saw a broadcast by chance as I wandered silently and alone in the snow one evening. I saw a young child with red hair and an adult vocabulary. I heard her speak the words that would destroy the peace that we had tried so hard to gain. She was your daughter. I felt you, I felt your soul urging me to stop her and set her on a better path. I recall making arrangements and heading to the Preventer's building, to set up myself as an agent. I appeared to the world again. So misunderstood, as I had expected. Some hate, some amazement, some worship. It once made me laugh to see the crowds act that way. I had to hide, I couldn't walk the streets anymore without people casting odd glances my way. Even at the Preventers Headquarters I wasn't comfortable. Old acquaintances made chilling memories return in full for me. Their eyes when they met mine could not possibly see the true me... no one could view me as you had. No one could read me as well as you did. When my sister presented a project I took that opportunity to leave. Noin - dear Noin - requested to come along. I agreed... of everyone she was perhaps the only one that would have a chance at knowing me... //I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am\\ I wish you were here, beloved. I wish you could see me... I wish you could stop me... I lost control and gave into a mad wish and desire... I gave up... I can't believe I gave up. The warrior stopped his struggle... The jar of medication lies empty on the carpet before me. I feel sick and lightheaded... of course... why wouldn't I be? I wish I hadn't done it. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have given up. But is there anyway to stop it? There is no way to reach the medic center in time... It's too hard to even kneel. Noin... where is she... Noin! I need to ask her... get her to... But they won't understand... they won't be able to comprehend why there are scars over my hands and on my wrists. No one will understand why I tried this... why I took the remaining medication all at once. Why did I? I don't even understand. All I want is for you to be here, to hold me again and tell me that you love me. I want to reply with that I hate myself, how can you love me? I want you to reassure me as you once did that no matter what has passed, you love me... you'll always love me... It's too hard to think anymore. I wonder if I'll be joining you now in that restful silence of death. I fall forward, sight fading to nothing. //I just want you to know who I am\\ “He's pulling out! Call the doctor quickly!” My eyes blinks open slowly, completely unfocused. The strange sound of my breathing makes me realize that an oxygen mask lies over my face. A hand reaches to take it off, however, and slowly shapes and colors are defined. A hospital room. How... “Oh God Zechs you scared me...” just above a whisper I hear her voice. Slowly, so that the room doesn't spin, I turn my head and find Noin sitting right next to the bed. Tears are still shining in her eyes as she gazes at me and reaches to touch my hand. “...How...” I hardly manage to ask. She shakes her head slowly, wiping away the remaining tears. “It's alright...” she whispers. “You were still mumbling when I found you... It's alright... I... might be able to understand.” She provides a small smile, placing on a brave face. Dear Noin, so trusting. Her obsession has merged into real love, I can finally see that now. Her smile and her eyes hold a better promise, that perhaps I will not be left along. I turn my gaze back to the ceiling. Perhaps living without you can be alright after all. Perhaps others can learn to understand... if I only teach them. One can hope. If hope dies, well, I can plan from there if that does happen... At the moment I need more rest, to settle with my decision. I won't give up quite yet, love. I'll have to keep fighting as you would have me do. ~ * ~ * ~ Owari ~ * ~ * ~