Insights

Warnings: Angst, first person point of view from Duo's view, confusing as hell

Disclaimers: Regular disclaimers apply. Gundam Wing characters are not mine. The plot is mine.

Started: July 5, 2000 Completed?: Well… formatting done July 9, 2000… not sure if this is over yet…

Where am I? I can only see blackness. Why can't I see anything else?! Am I blind? Was that what happened? I hear something… a broken wail! Is that… is that me? I think it is… my throat hurts… so sore.

Light! I feel its pain pricking my eyelids… I see the yellowish discolor! I'm not blind! But what happened…?

It's so blurry. I hear a voice. Whose is it? I don't recognize. "Who?"

I think I can make out a smirk… younger… older than me… who…? "Aw, don't worry `bout it. Good ol' Solo will take good care `a ya." There's something on my lips… water in my mouth. I forgot what it tasted like. I'm so empty… I hurt… "Doing better?"

"I… I… guess… I can't… see clearly." I'm blinking away and finally see the face. It's so new… so much younger than the nasty grown-ups… "Where…?"

"My lil' hideout. Nothin' much, just a hellhole. Well, another hellhole in a larger one." That smirk… unnerving but… comforting somehow. "The name's Solo, Kid. You got a name? Or are ya Kid for the rest of your life?"

He seems to ponder and I'm feeling cold and empty again. "Well, Kid, we'll think up a name. C'mon, I gotta get some food in ya so you can get to helping me out."

The body is so cold… I've been trying the glass of water to those bloodless lips for many minutes now. There's just nothing there… he's not taking the water.

"Please…" the voice is so hoarse and changed I can hardly identify it as my own. "No… not… alone. Never alone… you said…"

There's nothing that can fill me. My heart feels like it has been shredded.

I'm more fit for the name Solo. However, I'll not lose the name he gave me… I'll… have to keep on being Duo. There is no pulse. I must let go.

I do let go… but I feel myself being torn away and I see him screaming for me to hold him. It's too late… his fingertips are disappearing in the void and I'm being pulled back.

"No…" I find more tears. They're falling and I just feel more choked.

Nasty scissors! Why does she want to cut my hair?! It's my hair! Why doesn't she leave it be? My hair! It's my… my… memories… the only thing… I'm beginning to cry now, why doesn't she let me keep my hair? I don't understand…

There's a pulling at my scalp! She's trying to pull my hair out! No… it's… different… "There you go."

What? There's a weight at my back and I panic at not feeling my hairs' loose ends falling about my face. I spin quickly only to have something thick and rope-like hit me in the face. My hair! She calls it a braid… a braid…? I… like it…

I look up. She's so pretty. Maybe she's an angel like this new church talks about? She's smiling… such a pretty smile. I have to smile at her. She's so nice. She didn't cut my hair after all.

I can feel it in my veins. I can hardly see over the dashboard. There's smoke! The smoke is so hot but all I am is cold. Icy fingers are traveling through my heart.

Stained glass bites through my shoes but I don't care. I stand still with my mouth open. It's smoking and burning away… a dying candle.

There's so many bodies… the stench is horrible. Why? What did they ever do? I see my angel. She's laying with her habit away from her face and hair. Her skin is so distorted by dirt! How dare they dirty an angel! Yet she smiles… how can she have such strength? "Sister…"

"Aa… Little One… get away before they find you… blessed will you always be. You brought such joy…" Her hand is not so warm on my face. It's getting so cold. Why again? I'm emptying… I thought I was able to fill up again… she's slipping…

She's facing him, my friend. Their hands are joining! Why must it be so? It is not fair! She was with me here! Not anymore were to join him…

She's gone. I feel nothing but numb. "NO!" the scream is more of an animal howl. I refuse to believe that it is me. "NO!" I'm numb.

"Inhuman," I mutter, turning away from the intense-eyed boy. He is so stubborn with a will matching my own. He is so difficult to deal with. Maybe I never should have helped him all those months ago? There's nothing I can do now. With us captured, another acting for the enemy, and the last gone off somewhere there is nothing to do.

"What is this nonsense, Maxwell?" the snipped tone always bites me. The Chinese boy is too proud for his own good. His soul is so clean, though he doesn't see it so.

I can turn to see the two others. They are mere shadows but with our dim light I can see glossy reflections of their eyes. "It's so cold. Black… death… so cold…" I feel the inner ice building in my veins and I feel myself shiver. I mustn't break in front of these two! They're so much stronger…

A smile from an angel… still smiling as her heart stopped pumping. Aa… a smile… until the last. My lips twitch and I grin ruefully at my two Asian companions. "Always so cold and dark. Never warm… never able to see quite clearly. Is that not our life?" I get no answer. I should never expect one. I'm the talker, they're the ignor-ers.

The cell opens and I see our other once-friend. A betrayer they call him. I know he's just wearing a mask. It's so easy to see a mask when you wear your own. No lies escape me. I can see many a soul… so many souls in turmoil… in fog, in pain.

"… for it will be a gundam you will fight…" The words float in and out. I have no need for the information. I will not have to use it. Another will leave. That intense-eyed boy that threatens to kill me every time I turn around. They always take him.

I don't quite understand… endlessness surrounding me… sea of black and gold… space is it?

They tell me there was an explosion. Maybe Deathscythe finally agreed and helped me with a self-destruction. Perhaps. What a piece of work to have go to waste. Goodbye old friend. I'll be alone again. There will be no visitors. I'm surprised I'm even in a hospital.

They say everything is over. The war… or the main one, at least. I'm set out on the steps and I stay here for a long time. A blonde angel that I've known as one of my few friends takes me by the elbow. We're driven away in one of his family's transportation… I think he's offering me a place to stay. I guess I'll accept.

He listens and responds to me. It's nice. He's nice. He has that smile that I remember on her face. So pretty. They're angels. He hasn't fallen… yet… I hope that he never will.


	Lionna's Corner of Anime Fanfiction \| home Insights Title: Chibi Shinigami By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna) Rating: PG (maybe bordering on the later end) Warnings: Angst, first person point of view from Duo's view, confusing as hell Disclaimers: Regular disclaimers apply. Gundam Wing characters are not mine. The plot is mine. Started: July 5, 2000 Completed?: Well… formatting done July 9, 2000… not sure if this is over yet… Cold. So cold. It's always so cold. Why is that? Where am I? I can only see blackness. Why can't I see anything else?! Am I blind? Was that what happened? I hear something… a broken wail! Is that… is that me? I think it is… my throat hurts… so sore. So cold. Where's the warmth? I hurt… Where is everyone? I can't see anything! Mommy? Daddy…? Where… I don't understand! Light! I feel its pain pricking my eyelids… I see the yellowish discolor! I'm not blind! But what happened…? Things are so blurry… running… feet… alley… cold… I hurt… too tired… ~~~ "Yo, Kid, you okay?" It's so blurry. I hear a voice. Whose is it? I don't recognize. "Who?" I think I can make out a smirk… younger… older than me… who…? "Aw, don't worry `bout it. Good ol' Solo will take good care `a ya." There's something on my lips… water in my mouth. I forgot what it tasted like. I'm so empty… I hurt… "Doing better?" "I… I… guess… I can't… see clearly." I'm blinking away and finally see the face. It's so new… so much younger than the nasty grown-ups… "Where…?" "My lil' hideout. Nothin' much, just a hellhole. Well, another hellhole in a larger one." That smirk… unnerving but… comforting somehow. "The name's Solo, Kid. You got a name? Or are ya Kid for the rest of your life?" "No name," I say. He seems to ponder and I'm feeling cold and empty again. "Well, Kid, we'll think up a name. C'mon, I gotta get some food in ya so you can get to helping me out." ~~~ I'm so empty. There's no more tears… The body is so cold… I've been trying the glass of water to those bloodless lips for many minutes now. There's just nothing there… he's not taking the water. "Please…" the voice is so hoarse and changed I can hardly identify it as my own. "No… not… alone. Never alone… you said…" I'm just empty. There's nothing that can fill me. My heart feels like it has been shredded. Alone again. I'm more fit for the name Solo. However, I'll not lose the name he gave me… I'll… have to keep on being Duo. There is no pulse. I must let go. I do let go… but I feel myself being torn away and I see him screaming for me to hold him. It's too late… his fingertips are disappearing in the void and I'm being pulled back. "No…" I find more tears. They're falling and I just feel more choked. ~~~ Nasty scissors! Why does she want to cut my hair?! It's my hair! Why doesn't she leave it be? My hair! It's my… my… memories… the only thing… I'm beginning to cry now, why doesn't she let me keep my hair? I don't understand… There's a pulling at my scalp! She's trying to pull my hair out! No… it's… different… "There you go." What? There's a weight at my back and I panic at not feeling my hairs' loose ends falling about my face. I spin quickly only to have something thick and rope-like hit me in the face. My hair! She calls it a braid… a braid…? I… like it… I look up. She's so pretty. Maybe she's an angel like this new church talks about? She's smiling… such a pretty smile. I have to smile at her. She's so nice. She didn't cut my hair after all. ~~~ Cold. I can feel it in my veins. I can hardly see over the dashboard. There's smoke! The smoke is so hot but all I am is cold. Icy fingers are traveling through my heart. No… no… there's nothing. Stained glass bites through my shoes but I don't care. I stand still with my mouth open. It's smoking and burning away… a dying candle. No… "Please…" There's so many bodies… the stench is horrible. Why? What did they ever do? I see my angel. She's laying with her habit away from her face and hair. Her skin is so distorted by dirt! How dare they dirty an angel! Yet she smiles… how can she have such strength? "Sister…" "Aa… Little One… get away before they find you… blessed will you always be. You brought such joy…" Her hand is not so warm on my face. It's getting so cold. Why again? I'm emptying… I thought I was able to fill up again… she's slipping… She's facing him, my friend. Their hands are joining! Why must it be so? It is not fair! She was with me here! Not anymore were to join him… She's gone. I feel nothing but numb. "NO!" the scream is more of an animal howl. I refuse to believe that it is me. "NO!" I'm numb. So cold… so very cold… ~~~ "Inhuman," I mutter, turning away from the intense-eyed boy. He is so stubborn with a will matching my own. He is so difficult to deal with. Maybe I never should have helped him all those months ago? There's nothing I can do now. With us captured, another acting for the enemy, and the last gone off somewhere there is nothing to do. It's so very dark here. Cold… "Cold…" "Nani?" "Cold," I repeat the word like a child first learning to speak. "What is this nonsense, Maxwell?" the snipped tone always bites me. The Chinese boy is too proud for his own good. His soul is so clean, though he doesn't see it so. I can turn to see the two others. They are mere shadows but with our dim light I can see glossy reflections of their eyes. "It's so cold. Black… death… so cold…" I feel the inner ice building in my veins and I feel myself shiver. I mustn't break in front of these two! They're so much stronger… A smile from an angel… still smiling as her heart stopped pumping. Aa… a smile… until the last. My lips twitch and I grin ruefully at my two Asian companions. "Always so cold and dark. Never warm… never able to see quite clearly. Is that not our life?" I get no answer. I should never expect one. I'm the talker, they're the ignor-ers. The cell opens and I see our other once-friend. A betrayer they call him. I know he's just wearing a mask. It's so easy to see a mask when you wear your own. No lies escape me. I can see many a soul… so many souls in turmoil… in fog, in pain. Pain… cold… darkness… "… for it will be a gundam you will fight…" The words float in and out. I have no need for the information. I will not have to use it. Another will leave. That intense-eyed boy that threatens to kill me every time I turn around. They always take him. ~~~ I'm empty; once again. This Is for a new reason. But why? I don't quite understand… endlessness surrounding me… sea of black and gold… space is it? They tell me there was an explosion. Maybe Deathscythe finally agreed and helped me with a self-destruction. Perhaps. What a piece of work to have go to waste. Goodbye old friend. I'll be alone again. There will be no visitors. I'm surprised I'm even in a hospital. So cold. Black. Alone. Tears are old and dry; there'll be no more. Alone forever? Maybe. I hope not. ~~~ They say everything is over. The war… or the main one, at least. I'm set out on the steps and I stay here for a long time. A blonde angel that I've known as one of my few friends takes me by the elbow. We're driven away in one of his family's transportation… I think he's offering me a place to stay. I guess I'll accept. He listens and responds to me. It's nice. He's nice. He has that smile that I remember on her face. So pretty. They're angels. He hasn't fallen… yet… I hope that he never will.