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One: Hatred Dashed With Confusion
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Title: Hatred Dashed with Confusion
Series: 1st of `Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series.
Status: Completed but unedited. This is the first story of two (just two?) POV stories. There will be a companion to this one.
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai (it's true!! I know it's not too obvious. Read between the lines. Look at how it's written. ^_^ you'll see it.) Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters.
Started: June 21, 2000 Completed: June 21, 2000
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I lied when I said I hated that chatter. Didn't you see it? I said I hated your talk, your voice, your laughter. That I hated that indestructible smile. Even then you kept that smile and horrible sense of humor. How could you take everything that tossed at you so violently, so easily? Damn you're too strong. I… was frightened of that. Do you understand? I was frightened that you were stronger than I, that you could survive more things than I could. Guess I was right. I still don't know what you went through in the past but I know it was something akin to my past, or something more? Nothing less, I know.
Who trained you to mask yourself? Who trained you to keep that smile even when someone punches you in the gut? That smile… the damned smile and glowing eyes… you haunt my dreams with that. You, dressed in some black robe and holding your gundam's glowing scythe. It's you that shows me my past again. You remind me of a father that trained me as an assassin and actually never admitted to being my parent. Not even as he died. You always show me that black alley where some screwed-up doctor found me wandering. You always show me that puppy, lying so still with crimson liquid flowing from its veins…
What right have you to torture me like this? You flaunt your superiority around me even if you'll deny that statement. It's so true. Quatre says you keep us together with that smile, I believe you're just pushing us out.
More lies. Do you see my lies? You let your indigo orbs bore into mine yet you still cannot break my walls to see, can you? I guess that's all I have left. You've already broken my other barriers, all that's left are those to my past. Do you even realize that? Eh, Shinigami? That's all that's left. You've left my soul vulnerable and bare along with my heart that still beats. This beating heart that should be still and gone. But no… you claim you're my friend and will never leave me. You claim that you cannot let another person go. I'm not a person. I'm a monster. You can most certainly leave a monster to die, can you not?
Maybe that's what you're doing, killing me softly. Those glowing eyes of yours missing the innocence that my soul wants your eyes to be showing. Your smile is too sunny and makes my shadows of my past hide along the edges of my mind so that they are not burned. You carelessly toss around your loving friendship. How can you do that? I cannot believe you're so… careless with everything. How can you be? In this time of war…
We do not have time for emotional attachment or love or friendship. Everyone and everything will die and leave eventually. Let that be. You should understand that, Shinigami. Shinigami. Do you even understand the meaning behind that title? You don't seem to. Making joke of death and sacrifices. How can you stay so calm after our battles? How can you do that? /Can you teach me…?/ Look now, you've caused my own mind to turn against me. Why do you have so much control over me?
That's why I yelled and shouted. `I hate your smile, your laughter, those glowing eyes of yours! I hate you and your friendship. For once act like the soldier you're supposed to be!' I had to stop myself, knowing I'd gone too far. I was perhaps hoping to get a different reaction out of you, hatred shot back at me or tears or… I'm not sure. But you just grinned and waved it off with a laugh as you went back to work on your gundam.
Now what's this feeling clawing at my stomach? Guilt? Damn… I feel guilt all too often to know all versions of it. Yes, then, it's guilt. Guilt for saying those things… those lines… As I walked back into the living room I noted you sitting next to the stereo listening to the music with a blank face. Will wonders never cease? I was so stunned that I couldn't move for a long while. I'd never seen the smile or glow absent from your face. And it was… so… horrifying that I felt lost. I hate it when Quatre is right.
Finally I noticed that a mellower song started up and I heard you singing along. "Dear lie, you suck, you said you could fix anything…" I stood there for a long while, watching you. You suddenly let your eyes open halfway and donned a small, wistful smile on your face. I realized that you were watching me as you began singing more of the song unknown to me. "Afraid the truth would hurt me, when it's you who hurts me more…" I wanted to leave but I seemed rooted to the spot. Eventually the song ended and you sat up fully, smiling softly while turning off the music. "Dear Lie by TLC," you told me for some unknown reason. I gave you no reply and I wonder why you even bothered trying to talk to me.
We stayed where we were for a long while. Finally I began moving from the room just as you stood and head in the opposite direction. I brushed shoulders with you on accident and I could hear your whisper, "You lied, Heero. You don't need to, you know." And then suddenly you were gone. I had frozen in place and just turned to stare at your retreating back.
How can you read me? I don't understand you. I hate you. Is that right? I don't know. I'm not in control anymore and I hate it. I can't stand not understanding or not being in control. How can you deal with it? Why… why did you turn me twisted and confused? I do hate this and maybe I hate you for it. Be thankful I didn't say loathe, I know that's too much of a lie. I'm not the one that says I don't lie. But how can you claim to run and hide but never lie? I saw that blank look on your face with no life glowing about you before that… mask of a smile and glow appeared again. You lie about yourself, don't you? Liar. You cannot claim to not lie. You lie everyday.
Then again… it's a mask… something to hide you… damn. Why is everyone right? Why am I continually being wrong? What have you done? If you hadn't already condemned yourself to hell I'd damn you: again. Everything I'm doing lately is pointless.
I cannot even understand myself anymore. K'so, how can you accuse me of focusing on the missions too much? I cannot do anything else. There's nothing else to do. I can't love or care, you'd better understand that. All I can do is hate. "I hate you." I wonder if you even heard.
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Owari
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