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Three: Removing The Mask
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Title: Removing the Mask
Mini-series: 3rd story of `Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series
Status: Complete and unedited. Companion to my first two stories of the `mini-series'.
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters. Some language.
Started: June 22, 2000 Completed: June 22, 2000
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I heard about you today. Seems that even when we're long distances apart you're still not gone from my life. You want to be out of my life, though, don't you? All that omae o korosu crap is an obvious hint. I'm sure you're wondering how I know about you… don't underestimate me. You aren't the only computer hacker around here, you know.
Once I heard about you I thought back to my encounter with our ex-fellow pilot. Do you even know about him yet? He's lost his memory… it was devastating. I mean… to… to see him like that. It was awful and I have to wonder if you'd even blink an eye at him. He looked so lost, his bangs shading his face half-masked with a white, clown mask. His green eyes no longer had life, wonder how Quatre would like to look into them now.
That's cruel, I know it, but I haven't much else to do than to be bitter. That new organization dropped by yesterday. That… `White Fang' group that's been saying they represent the colonies. I doubt that. They're just making such a mess, I'm sure you understand. I guess that's something I miss… you understood a lot of my ideas without you yourself realizing it. Hilde doesn't understand. She pretends she does, but she really doesn't. She asked me to fight for the White Fang, that I could be a hero. Why would I want to be a hero? What's the point? You just live on as some exaggerated legend… there's no point. I'm just fine being Shinigami. You'd roll your eyes at that, Hilde would just sigh sadly.
Oh joy, now I'm comparing you two. I guess I should move away from that subject, then. Another way that I heard of you again was from our lovely angel-winged, devil. Quatre's returned, I'm sure you know that, and is trying to gather us all together. I wonder why you did not come…? I guess I was hoping for too much. Heh. You'd be surprised how much I've changed since you saw me last. I'm not always wearing the dumb-ass grin, as you call it, or cracking the jokes that you simply ignored.
Quatre brought that up today. He seemed so innocently stunned that I refused to join him and went to leave. I did my good deed, though, and let him know Trowa's still out there. Poor guy, I wonder how he'll react to seeing our European friend without a memory of him.
You wouldn't care for my blabber lately. It's even more mindless at times though Hilde also comments on me being too deep for her taste. Can you believe it? I've found someone who's completely in love with my mask of the jester. I bet you'd never have guessed that. She claims I space out on her and get all depressing.
She doesn't understand.
That's part of why I left.
I flew Wing Zero a while back, that's one hell of a machine. I hear Millardo Peacecraft was the last to get a hold of it, wonder where it is now. I sure hope that machine disappears, it's too powerful and dangerous. No human could pilot it. Hey! It's the perfect gundam for you! Gomen, couldn't resist that intervention.
From one colony to another, I'm hopping about now. With Quatre and that woman… Noin, searching around for all the gundam pilots it's hard to stay away from their grasps. You know as well as I know how powerful the Winner family is and how many resources they have to go through. Eventually they'll find me or I'll join them… I guess we'll all find out eventually, ne?
At the moment I'm on L2, my old home. It still looks like a piece of crap, everything peeling and fading away. The people seem to be nothing, as always. There's no millionaires here, I assure you. It's a poor colony here for getting rid of everyone homeless. At least that's what I used to believe as a kid. I still see rail-thin eight-year-olds running down the street with an armload of food as they evade an angry vendor.
I used to be like that. Did you know that? You think you know everything about us, don't you? Or am I misreading you again? I misread you last time. I thought there was some caring within you. I was wrong. You've proved me different since then…
But… maybe you did feel for that one brief time. That one day. I suppose you were startled that I just grinned your insults down. Actually I was stunned myself. I was hurt - hell yeah, I was hurt - but I had to hide it. You've too much guilt on your shoulders. I see it all the time. So that's all you feel. Hate and guilt. Hmm… interesting perspective.
I asked Trowa about you, before I knew of his memory loss, and he was utterly confused. I feel bad now for doing that… I'd thought everything was the same. Oh well. I can't change what I did now. Quatre told me of what you and he did on Earth. He told me of the Sank Kingdom and Relena… I can't believe that you agreed to go back to her. I thought you hated her. You hate me, why not hate her? Buddy, I'll tell you this, I'm a much better deal than her.
Oh crap, stupid hormones kicking in. These are not tears that are building the heat in my temples… no… it can't be. There's no ache in my heart… it's… something else.
How do you like that, Perfect Being? You're making me lie. And even though I hate to admit it, I've become jealous. All because of you… for you… You. I'll never understand this. I'm just glad that not another soul knows so that I won't be pounded from the outside for these feelings aching around my body.
Maybe I should just join Quatre… sure would get my mind off you. Ninmu ryoukai, as you would say.
~~~~~ Owari ~~~~~