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Four: Peeling Away The Blindfold
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Title: Peeling Away the Blindfold
Mini-series: 4th story of `Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series
Status: Complete and unedited. Companion to my first two stories of the `mini-series'.
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters. Some language.
Started: June 23, 2000 (early) Completed: June 23, 2000 (early)
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I cannot believe that I've returned to space. It's not only that, it's that I didn't return on my own. When have I gotten so weak as to rely on others? I hated the journey up here. And that flirting! That's what they call it, right? If you would have seen those two you would understand. Wufei claims to hate woman and refuses to show respect but it's amazing to see how he can flirt. Sally's just as bad but she's just obsessed. For some reason I can see you agreeing with me. That's a pathetic thought, us agreeing? I don't know how I could have seen that.
We're all gathered together and I almost hate to join everyone again. Almost. But this will be the first time, and last, that I'll ever admit that I needed to see all of you again. This will be our last time meeting, I can feel it. This is nearing the end of the battle - sniff the air, you'll smell it too.
You're reaction was what most people would call comical, I believe. It was just simply odd to me. Why so shocked about Wing Zero? I must say… I… was rather devastated to know you were forced to pilot it. I know what hallucinations you can get. What the hell…?! When have I cared about if someone was forced with it? You had to have endured the pain! You're a gundam pilot after all; you need to deal with it.
Damn, damn, damn… have you noticed my composure yet? Take a look. I'm losing the walls that took years to build. I hate you for that. That's old now for me to say. Isn't it? Well then, I'm annoyed that you have done this to me. Did you know that I actually felt pity upon hearing Trowa losing his memory? That I wondered for a few moments how Quatre reacted when he first found out? Why should I give a damn about them? They're just more soldiers in this accursed war.
What's the difference?
You've been so withdrawn from us all. I had expected your motor mouth to run us off all day and night but instead you need prompting to talk. I'm not blind, I see Wufei and Quatre pulling you in. I can't believe Wufei believes Quatre's saying that you keep us together. That's false. You kept us together. Not anymore. We hang together for our own reasons. Mine has been, and always will be, the mission. I'd never be sitting here this moment in the midst of all of you if it hadn't been for the missions. You know I hate socializing. If that's the only thing you know about me, I wouldn't be surprised. I know I haven't told you a blinking thing and I sure as hell don't plan to either.
That's my information. No one else's. Not even Dr. J can understand me. He doesn't understand the monster he's created. He doesn't realize what a danger it was to release me out into the universe and infect Earth. I'll kill without thought. I've come so close to killing you and I know you don't know even half the times that I've almost succeed. For the most of the time the only thing stopping me was that you are a `comrade' as they say, in these missions. For the most of the time.
For the rest of the time…? I don't even know what's stopped me. I remember once whipping out my gun and holding it at point-blank range to your nose. You just stared at me, you're wild grin changing to a wistful smile as you moved the gun over your heart. You just raised your hands. My finger froze and I saw something that I can only guess to be disappointment. Why disappointed? I'm the one who wants to get out of this war that desperately. Not you. You're the one who loves to joke about the deaths and battles after we finish. How could you want to leave? No… I won't believe it.
Not at all. Don't give me crap about your past, I've been there. I know that. K'so, I'm admitting to understand you again. Why can I understand you? I shouldn't! I should not be able to relate to you in any way. There's a weakness in that… somehow… there is…
I hate this confusion you've dashed into my life, like a bit of pepper added to a meal. But you've put too much pepper in and I can taste it now; the meal's no longer dull tasting or just plain bitter. There's all different tastes. You've changed me too much.
That's a danger to our mission. I will destroy all obstacles, I'm warning you. This is my last warning to you. I cannot hesitate next time. I will complete my mission. That mission sent to me months ago… the one you never knew about… the one I refused to tell you about. Simply because I wasn't sure if you really were a threat. You're beginning to me, now, so I can no longer disobey my mission.
I just… hate these things building within me. I guess the only way to put it in a way that I can understand and still explain to you is to say: I'd hate to kill you.
It's one mission that I've disobeyed. As I said, don't make me follow through.
We're here to battle side by side. Let's not let one another down. Just don't start that friendship bit and I'll be fine… that doesn't mean riding your smile or laughter. Where are they, anyway? Where's that mask that I found out about so many months ago?
~~~~~ Owari ~~~~~