I would hazard to guess, that within the classrooms of Driver’s Ed in Western Washington State, instructors play reel after reel of people driving cars well, at adequate to expert levels of skill; on a Sunday drives, to work, to the store, during storms and bad conditions. When the films have all been played, and the lights are turned back on, I can see the instructor stand in front of the class and say, “This is NOT what you want to do.” It makes me wonder whether boxes of Cracker Jacks sold in Washington have driver’s licenses in them? But, really, I don’t want to insult the Crack Jack company!

The utter lack of skill on Western Washington roads is astounding. The average grade point of driving skill on the road at any given time, has got to be no higher than a toddler’s on a tricycle. I will say this however: Western Washington drivers have got to be the luckiest around, because it's any wonder how there is not a flaming car wreck on every street corner.

Let’s go point by point:

Driving Forward. Generally it is assumed that each and every driver on a city street or major highway is going to keep his or her vehicle traveling in a forward motion. Not so! in Western Washington! It is not uncommon for someone to slam on the brakes, throw the vehicle into reverse, regardless if it is a quiet neighborhood avenue, or Interstate 5.

"Let me be damned" because I am annoyed at the driver in front of me who missed an exit, and is now traveling in reverse! I must have missed that page in the Washington State Driver’s Handbook about having to yield for dumb-asses, who must feel the World should get out of their way, or, just have absolutely no concept there are other people using the road too .Oh, I'm sorry. I know how important political correctness is around these parts. I don't yield for "dumb-asses," I yield for "Persons with intellectually challenged gluteus maximi."

Merging. Merge as defined by the  Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary 1 : to become combined into one 2 : to blend or come together without abrupt change. Merging traffic when all parties involved are cooperating can actually be a pleasant experience. Take the second definition:" to blend or come together WITHOUT abrupt change. " This might suggest it is inappropriate to speed up, closing a gap of about 4 car lengths while another car is trying to enter the freeway, then honking your horn because the entering vehicle “cut you off”. And here's a real a novel idea, each car that is traveling in the "established driving lane", let, at least, one vehicle merge in front. Keeping people off the freeway pisses them off, which is not a good thing in Washington.

Shooting people over traffic. I must admit. When I first moved here I was amazed at the number of people who warned me not to blow my horn, or give anyone "the finger", because, the other driver may shoot me. “People don’t shoot people over traffic, do they?” I asked myself. But now that I have lived here a while - it makes complete sense to me. Need no more convincing. I understand fully.

The “Stomp”. Is it necessary at every traffic signal, when the time comes to resume one’s course, to stomp on the gas pedal pushing it all the way to the floor. I swear to God, get rid of all the traffic lights and install crow’s nests for NASCAR flaggers. Besides being obnoxious, "jack-rabbit starts" wastes an incredible amount of gas. Be my guest, but I am not going to burn up unnecessary fuel at these gas prices, just to “beat” the car next to me to the next damn traffic light.

Blinkers. Push it down, the left blinker... uh, blinks! Push up, the right blinker, blinks. This is a form of communication to other drivers on the road, just where-in-the-hell you intend to direct the car! You Person with an intellectually challenged gluteus maximus!

The Greatest Show On Earth! Number One. If the vehicle is too big for you to park, why did you buy it? Number Two. Pulling into a parking stall should take one try, maybe two (a slight adjustment). I have seen people put more production into parking a vehicle than Barmum and Bailey put into their circus. Let me answer this question for you, “No! I don’t want to sit, unable to exit the parking lot while you pull in, and pull out, pull in, and pull out, pull in, and pull out.” What else can be said, except, when leaving the stall it is advisable to see if any cars are coming before you throwit into reverse, and press on the gas.

Speed. Now this is the big one. A Honda with a “fart muffler” traveling 87 MPH through a school zone, or “Lilly in La-La La Land” going 50 MPH in the passing lane of I-5. News Flash! There are other people on the road! No one crowned you princess. Move with traffic! if it is moving that is. Another big one: The State Patrol. Whoever this Commissioner guy is from the State Patrol, who is credited with slowing down traffic, he has to go! What law enforcement agency does intensive radar details during rush hour? Idiots! That’s what I think. I remember listening to the police scanner during summer weekends, while the tourists traveled the Northway into the Adirondacks. “There’s an eight-zero coming up on you now..,” one State Trooper transmited to another. Eighty. They weren't even considering pulling you over at 79 MPH, just eighty and above. Eighty miles per hour. Why? BECAUSE PEOPLE GET TO WHERE THEY NEED TO GO FASTER! The sooner people get to their destination, the sooner they are off the freeway! But oh, no...! Not in Western Washington. Sixty. What kind of go nowhere speed is sixty? If you have a decent vehicle you don’t even start to enjoying it until you hit 70.

My conclusion to all this griping (which makes me feel alive) is, there is no answer. Unless we DO start shooting the “lolly-gaggers,” the “Speed-racers,” and the "brain surgeons" who can't even park a wheel barrel, nothing will change. The privilege of driving a motor vehicle on public highways has become so common place, people actually believe it is their right to drive. The bottom line is there is a noticeable lack of skill on the highways, the fault to the WA State Department of Licensing Testing Process, coupled with a general lack of courtesy, which I guess we’ll have to blame old Mom and Dad for that one, which equals a nightmare for the rest of the people who have some sense.

There is one solution I can think of, but very unlikely - build an Autobahn. Require permits to enter the highway, which is proof the Autobahn fee has been paid, the vehicle has passed it’s yearly inspection, and the driver has passed the advanced road test. Yah Right! Let's look at Washington's "success" spending millions to "build" light rail.

For the time being, the day dreams of automatic weapons affixed to the hood of our cars will have to suffice.