//Hey your glass is empty
It’s a hell of a long way home\\
“Angela, I think you’ve had enough.”
Anger surged through the Slayer’s alcohol clouded mind. He thinks I’ve had enough?! There was no way for her to ever have enough, no way to fill the aching void Angel’s death had left in her heart.
“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough!”
The bartender, John or Jim or Joe, Buffy’s mind told her, Something with a J..... shrugged and refilled her glass of vodka. His name wasn’t John or Jim or Joe; it was Jared, but none of that really mattered to the Slayer. He was just another person she had chosen to save instead of Angel.
Oh Angel.
*~*~*
Less than two feet away from the unknowing Slayer, Spike was on the verge of having a panic attack. Shit! he thought, What is she doing here?
He watched for a few minutes as she belted back two more shots of vodka. Spike had a vain hope that if he waited until she was drunk enough when he approached her, she might not stake his sorry ass.
Or at least she might put it off until she was sober.
“Buffy,” he said, softly.
She turned around, her movements slowed by the massive amount of alcohol in her system. “Do I know you?”
“You don’t recognize me?” Spike asked, shocked.
Recognition dawned in Buffy’s eyes. “Wait, I know who you are!”
Inwardly, Spike cringed. Here it comes.
“You’re Billy Idol!”
Spike’s jaw dropped. Bloody hell! She must be drunker than I thought.
Buffy shakily got to her feet. “Are you gonna sing?” she slurred.
“Um, no,” Spike stammered, taking in the sight of the sorry-looking Slayer trying to stand in front of him. If this was a nightly occurrence, he was surprised she had managed to last this long. Buffy was an easy target for any vampire, murderer, or rapist out there, and Seattle had quite a few of each. “I must be insane to even think of doing this!” Spike muttered.
“What?”
“I said, do you need somewhere to stay tonight?”
*~*~*
//Why don’t you let me take you
It’s no good to go alone\\
“It’s a nice day for a white wedding!”
Spike groaned. He never would have guessed that the Slayer was a Billy Idol fan, but she knew the words to at least half his songs. She’d been mangling Vital Idol for the entire cab ride back to his apartment. “We’re here, luv,” Spike said, opening the door and silently thanking whoever might be listening when she stopped singing.
“Nice place.”
“Thanks.” Spike turned around just in time to see Buffy collapse. “Great, just bloody great,” Spike growled as he caught her. He carried the unconscious Slayer into his bedroom and laid her out on the bed.
“Spike, you are seriously losing it,” he muttered, covering Buffy with a blanket. “Hope you remember how nice I was when you wake up with the mother of all hangovers.”
*~*~*
Buffy woke up late that afternoon with a pounding headache and curled in an unfamiliar bed. At least I’m not naked, Buffy thought, She stood up, clinging to the side of the bed as the room spun, and took an experimental step forward.
When her legs didn’t immediately give out, Buffy decided she was sober enough to at least make it to the living room. “Hello?” she called, “Whoever you are, I want to thank you.” She caught sight of a figure asleep on the couch. “I guess there are a few decent men left in the world,” she added softly.
“You know what they say, pet,” Spike mumbled, “Nice guys always finish last.”
Buffy’s eyes widened at the sound of the familiar voice. “It can’t be.” She yanked the blanket off of him. “It is you! How- Why-” she stammered.
“Think this had to be the first time you’ve ever been speechless, luv, and no need to thank me. I spend every Saturday night keeping drunken Slayers from getting themselves killed!”
Buffy glared at him. “I was doing just fine before you showed up,” she snapped.
“Oh, you were doing bloody splendid. Do you even remember anything that happened last night?” He laughed humorlessly when Buffy shook her head. “I didn’t kidnap you. You came willingly. You had no idea who I was, and you came home with me. No, correction, you thought I was Billy Idol, but you still could have ended up dead or worse.”
“Thanks for the advice, Spikey.”
“I’m not finished,” he interrupted. “If you want to keep drinking yourself into oblivion, go right ahead, but the next guy who takes you home might not be as nice as I was.”
“You’re a real prince.”
Spike grabbed the Slayer’s shoulders roughly. “What the fuck is your problem? Considering that I probably saved your life, I think you should at least be a little damn civil to me!”
“Maybe I didn’t want to be saved! Did you ever think of that?”
“Do you want some lowlife to rape you? ‘Cause you practically had a neon sign over your head reading Easy Victim.”
“Spike, let me give you some friendly advice,” Buffy growled, wrenching out of his grip, “Stay the hell away from me!”
“No. If anyone’s going to kill you, it’s going to be me, not some loser who finds you in a bar.” His voice lowered to a near whisper. “And I sort of missed you.....”
“You missed me?!” Buffy squeaked, “Are you insane?” Her eyes lit up as she realized, “Speaking of insanity, where’s the psycho-bitch?”
“She left me.”
“Hurts doesn’t it? Join the club.” For the second time Buffy started towards the door, and for the second time Spike intercepted her.
“Why?” he asked.
“Why what?”
“Why are you in Seattle? Why are you spending your nights trying to forget? You’ve got a life, pet?”
“Not anymore,” Buffy whispered. She gave up her hopes of leaving anytime soon and sank onto the couch. “I couldn’t go back there. Not after.....”
“After what?”
Buffy fixed Spike with an icy glare. “What do you care? We’re mortal enemies, remember?”
Spike shrugged. “Maybe it’s because you’re the only familiar thing in hundreds of miles. Or maybe it’s because I was more than a little fucked up after everything that went down with Dru, and I would have given anything to have someone to talk to. How fucking pathetic is that?”
//I never would have opened up
But you seemed to real to me\\
Buffy’s head snapped up, and Spike had to fight the urge to shrink back from the fury in her eyes. “Fine,” she said, her voice cold, “You want to know what happened? Angel’s soul was restored, but I was too fucking late. The world was about two minutes away from being sucked into Hell, so I told him to close his eyes, and I kissed him.” She paused briefly, but refused to break down. “I kissed him, and I killed him. Do you have any idea what that feels like? He didn’t know why I was doing it. He didn’t know I had to kill him to save the world. He didn’t know.....” Buffy’s voice trailed off as the tears finally overcame her.
Without considering the possible repercussions for his actions, Spike pulled Buffy into his arms and held her as harsh sobs wracked her tiny body.
“What about you? Why are you being so nice to me?”
“Because I’m alone,” Spike replied. “For the first time in a hundred bloody years, I’m completely alone, and I hate it.”
“You really loved her, didn’t you?”
“Of course I bloody loved her! Do you think I would have put up with her for a hundred bleeding years if I didn’t love her? Do you think I’d live with a century of Miss Edith and Dru’s ramblings about flowers dying and her hair falling out if she didn’t mean the world to me? Yes, Slayer, I loved her. I gave her my heart, and she crushed it under her feet. Happy now?”
//After all the bullshit I’ve heard
It’s refreshing not to see\\
He’s telling the truth, Buffy thought, the realization shocking her into silence. He loved her, and she left him, and, whether he wants to admit it or not, it’s killing him.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You didn’t deserve what she did to you.”
//I don’t have to pretend
She doesn’t expect it from me\\
Spike’s eyes widened. She actually cares! I never thought she cared whether I lived or died. He smiled weakly. “Thanks, Slayer. That means a lot to me.”
Buffy returned the smile. “I’m glad.” Realizing her mistake, she quickly corrected herself, “I mean, I’m glad that you feel better....” She trailed off. Great save, Buffy. He’ll never suspect a thing.
Spike’s next words interrupted Buffy’s thoughts. “Have you at least called your Watcher?”
“In a small voice, she replied, “No.”
“You need to.”
Buffy stood up and walked to the window, appearing to be suddenly fascinated with the blinking lights of a motel sign across the street. “I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because they don’t need me....not after everything I did! They can just find another Slayer.”
“You don’t mean that.”
Buffy whirled around, fury smoldering in her eyes. “How the hell do you know whether I mean it or not? You aren’t me! You have no idea what I’ve been through!”
Spike stiffly rose to his feet, looking like every bit the demon he was. “I don’t, do I?” he hissed, “At least you weren’t forced to listen to Dru and Angel shagging in the next room like dogs in heat. At least you didn’t have to live with the knowledge that someone you’d spent a century loving didn’t want you anymore!” Spike’s voice had been rising steadily with each sentence. “If you think you’ve cornered the market on suffering and pain, you couldn’t be more wrong. Now call your bloody Watcher!” he yelled.
Verbally cowed into submission, Buffy nodded weakly. With trembling hands, she accepted the proffered phone and dialed the number as familiar to her as her own.
//Don’t tell me I
Haven’t been good to you\\
Giles entered his home just in time to hear the phone ring. He snatched the receiver before the second ring ended. “Hello?”
Silence.
“Hello?” Giles repeated, “Is anyone there?” The soft sound of someone breathing was clearly audible.
What if it’s her? he thought suddenly. “Buffy?” the Watcher stammered, “Buffy, if it is you....please come home.”
His only answer was the dial tone. Sadly, Giles replaced the phone in its cradle.
//Don’t tell me I
Have never been there for you\\
Buffy froze when she heard the familiar voice. She had tried to speak, but the words halted in her throat. When Giles said her name, the Slayer panicked, slamming the phone down. She met Spike’s eyes and dissolved into tears.
//Don’t tell me why
Nothing is good enough\\
Spike held her for what felt like hours, just letting her cry. It’s a fine state my life has gotten to when the only person I have left is a Slayer, he thought wryly.
When Buffy eventually managed to get her tears under control, she whispered, in the voice of a frightened little girl, “I couldn’t do it.”
“It’s okay, pet. I think you’re entitled to be a little reluctant to go back there.” For the first time, Spike noticed Buffy’s appearance. Dark circles surrounded her eyes, and she looked like she had lost a lot of weight. “When was the last time you had something in your stomach that wasn’t alcohol based?”
Buffy’s brow furrowed as she tried with difficulty to remember past the endless parties and bars and blackouts. This was the first time in two days that she’d been sober. “I’m not exactly sure.....three days.....maybe four.....”
Spike cringed. No wonder she looks like hell. She’s not eating. “Go take a shower,” he ordered, “And grab some clean clothes from my closet. Take whatever you think will fit.”
Buffy nodded and got up. She paused in the doorway and looked back at the man who was supposed to be her mortal enemy. “Thank you.”
//Hey little girl would you like some candy
Your momma said it’s okay\\
An hour later, they were sitting in a booth in an all night diner. Buffy was eating the biggest sandwich Spike had ever seen, while the vampire was drinking the sludge that passed for coffee.
Buffy was finding it hard...no, make that impossible...to believe that this...nice guy was the same soulless demon that had tried to kill her and her friends on numerous occasions.
This is so weird. Buffy watched as Spike absently drummed his fingers on the table while drinking his third cup of black coffee. He’s like a totally different person. Who would have thought that Spike could be so.....human?
Spike glanced up and caught Buffy staring at him. “What?” he asked, “What are you looking at?”
Deciding to be honest, Buffy answered, “You.”
“Why?”
Buffy took another bite of her sandwich before answering. “I was thinking how weird it is that you and me are sitting in a diner together and not trying to kill each other.”
Spike chuckled. “I think this is definitely a first for us.”
//The door is open come on outside
No I can’t come out today\\
“I totally agree,” Buffy added. “Poor Giles, I don’t know how he’ll handle knowing that I’m friends with another vampire.”
“Friends? Is that what we are now?”
Buffy blushed slightly. “I guess so. We don’t exactly fit into the ‘mortal enemies’ category anymore.”
“No, we don’t.”
//It’s not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground\\
“Spike, I don’t know what to do.” Buffy’s pained gaze met Spike’s. “I want to go home, but I’m scared.”
Unconsciously, the vampire reached across the table and clasped Buffy’s hand. “Whatever you do, you can’t keep living like you are now.”
“I know....the drinking was just a way to forget. It never really worked for long.”
Spike found it hard to believe that this frail, frightened creature was Buffy Summers, the greatest Slayer in history. She looked and acted every bit the runaway she had turned into. Gone from her eyes was the fire and passion that Spike had grown to admire. Her stance, which had once screamed confidence, now only cried defeat. Buffy had given up on herself.
//Who’s there that makes you so afraid
You’re shaken to the bone\\
“What are you so afraid of, Slayer?”
Buffy was silent for so long that Spike was beginning to doubt that she would answer him. Finally, she replied, “I’m afraid that they blame me.”
“They have nothing to blame you for,” Spike retorted, “Nothing that happened was your fault, pet.”
“That’s what I keep trying to tell myself, but it’s bullshit! It was my fault! It was *all* my fault! Jenny and Kendra died because I couldn’t stop Angel. My best friend and my Watcher were both almost killed because I fell for a trap. I started this whole mess on my birthday when I slept with Angel, and I wasn’t strong enough to end it until I was forced to!” Buffy was near tears when she finished her tirade.
“I’m sorry,” Spike said, in a desperate attempt to calm her, “But you know they would never blame you.”
“Not on the outside, but it’s what would be behind the comforting words and fake smiles that I know I couldn’t handle. I don’t want them to grow to hate me. I couldn’t bear it.”
Spike felt his heart clench at her words. She really did blame herself for everything that had happened since the night of her seventeenth birthday. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. You deserved so bloody much more than what you got....
//And I don’t understand
You deserve so much more than this\\
Buffy sighed bitterly. “Story of my life,” she muttered, “Always too little, too late.”
“How so?”
“The condensed version? I’ve had everything that has ever mattered to me ripped away. When I found out I was the Slayer, I lost all my friends. I burnt down the gym and got thrown out of school. My parents never told me in so many words, but I knew I was a huge embarrassment and an even bigger disappointment to them. I’m surprised that it took Mom so long to thrown me out of the house.....”
“Stop it,” Spike ordered, quietly, but forcefully. “You aren’t some juvenile delinquent! You are the Slayer, but that isn’t all you are.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, it isn’t.” Spike cupped her face in his hands. “Look at me, Slayer. You are Buffy Summer. *That* is who you are.” Buffy covered Spike’s hands with her own. Smiling softly, Spike leaned across the table and kissed Buffy’s forehead before releasing her.
//So don’t tell me why
He’s never been good to you\\
“Angelus always was an idiot when it came to women,” Spike mused, taking a sip of his lukewarm coffee.
“What are you talking about?”
“He had to have been a bloody imbecile to want to destroy a woman like you.”
“Can we please not talk about Angel?”
Spike continued without seeming to hear Buffy’s soft plea. “I just can’t believe what a sodding jackass he was! Wantin’ to make you into another Dru!” He shuddered at the image. “The world doesn’t need another Drusilla! Bloody wanker.”
“Stop it! I can’t do this,” Buffy said, her voice taking on a hysterical edge. “I can’t!” Before Spike could react, Buffy ran out of the restaurant.
I am such a fucking idiot! Spike tossed a twenty on the table and took off after her.
//Don’t tell me why
He’s never been there for you\\
Spike found her huddled next to the car, sobbing into her bent knees. “Slayer.” She didn’t reply, and Spike knelt down next to her, surprised when she recoiled from his touch.
“Leave me alone,” she whimpered, without looking up.
“Not gonna happen.”
Buffy looked up, glaring daggers at the vampire sitting inches away from her. “I told you to stay away from me!”
“And I told you it wasn’t going to happen!” The two remained immobile, both refusing to back down. “You cannot keep running away. If you don’t stop now, you’ll be running for the rest of your life. Do you want that?”
“No.” The Slayer’s voice was weak. Her battle ready attitude changed into one of defeat, and she slumped into Spike’s arms. “I want to go home.”
“So do I.”
//Don’t you know that why
Is simply not good enough\\
The drive back to Sunnyhell was long and, for the most part, silent, giving both occupants of the ancient car plenty of time to think.
Spike stole a glance at the Slayer. For the past two hours, she had been staring vacantly out the window. The radio was playing some Sarah McLachlan song that, if I was reading her body language correctly, she liked. Spike sighed, unsure whether her silence was a good or bad sign.
I wish I’d just staked Angel instead of beating him with a bloody crowbar. Hell, I should have staked him the night he made me. Bastard. He always managed to destroy everything he ever touched.....me, Dru, Buffy..... God, the things he put her though....if she hadn’t been as strong as she was, Buffy would be just as crazy as Drusilla. She’s lucky she managed to stop him before he killed more of her friends.
//So just let me try
And I will be good to you\\
I never expected to come home, but I really didn’t expect to come home with Spike. He’s different somehow. Quieter. What happened with Drusilla really hurt him. He thinks he’s over her, but he’s lying to himself. He really loved the loony.
“Fate’s a bitch,” Buffy muttered, shattering the silence of the car.
Needing to keep her talking, Spike asked, “What do you mean?”
“I’m the Slayer, and I fell in love with a vampire. He lost his soul and had a tryst with the woman you loved. You allied with me to get her back. I sent him to hell and split. You took Dru and split. Dru dumps you, and we both wind up in the same bar in Seattle. Somebody up there is laughing there asses off right now.”
“Wait ‘til we get home. That should be a riot.”
For the first time in months, Buffy Summers laughed.
//Just let me try
And I will be there for you\\
Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, Spike drove into the Sunnydale city limits. Upon seeing the familiar sign, an evil grin crossed the vampire’s face.
“You mind?” he queried, gunning the engine.
“Knock yourself out.”
That sign was never the same again.
//I’ll show you why
You’re so much more than good enough....\\
