A correspondence with an 18 month old

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Ye Olde Coppe Shoppe
Scotland PA33 1AA

12th December 1989

Dear Unkul Martin,

Dad says he's always too busy to write letters or send cards so I thought I'd take the liberty of writing in his stead [mum chose the card].

'Though I'm called young Rory my dad has a lot of other names for me such as King Pong or Fu-man Pooh and a few others that I don't quite understand yet. You'd think he'd be pleased to know that I'm awake at 2 a.m. and can't get back to sleep again.

I hope you are well and not smit by these virules that are plagueing the country. My dad is the first in the household to fall foul of the epidemic. He's been blowing his nose so often I'm surprised his head hasn't caved-in yet.

I'm very healthy and chubby at the moment thanks mainly to the mountainous intake of scrummy Milupa instant mix yumptious din-dins. I've discovered that by blowing very hard just as mum puts the spoon to my mouth can create quite a startling effect and sound. Mum and dad don't seem to be suitably impressed by this but I think it great fun, especially when it splats onto mum's glasses.

My career development is proceeding well with the advent of two-up and two-down front teeth. The first tooth was discovered by mum when she tried to howk-out a dollop of paper that was stuck to the roof of my mouth. What's a little bugger?

Mobility and speed are fast developing and I can reach lots of objects called "don't touch". I like to play with dad's stereo but he wasn't too impressed when he found a McVities Rich Tea Biscuit stored in his cassette deck. I like to listen to his rock music though which gives him a chance to wind up the volume to self destruct. Mum isn't too keen on this especially when her ornaments start dancing about the cabinet.

Well, I hope your Christmas is cheery and the New Year brings contentment.

Best wishes and slaver


11 Thames Court
Victoria Avenue
East Molesey
Surrey KT8 9TP

Dear Little Rory,

Thank you for your letter at Christmas. Why dads are always to busy to write letters themselves is beyond me. Anyone would think they had to work for a living.

I was glad to hear you are wide awake at 2 o'clock in the morning. To draw attention to this fact I would recommend holding onto the bars of your cot and jumping vigorously up and down until you are violently sick onto the carpet.

The trick of splurting your food onto Mum's glasses is a good beginning, but I think it is time you progressed to the more mature practice of placing your full dinner bowl upside down on your head; or indeed anyone else's.

The objects you are now able to reach are not called "don't touch"; in this you appear to be labouring under a misapprehension. These are, in fact, word of encouragement and pleasure. I cannot think why your Dad should be displeased to find a McVities Rich Tea Biscuit in his cassette player. I can only think that he does not like plain biscuits. Next time you should first cover it with lots and lots of lovely treacle. I am sure this will suitably impress him.

I noticed you drew a veil over the details of your nappy changing. I cannot think why you should want to do this. Now is the time you should start serious work on your bowel control. The first stage is to wait until just after a clean nappy has been fitted before "unloading". The bounteous joy of your Mum will be heightened if this can be repeated several times in as short a space of time as possible. The second stage is more difficult as it involves not only excellent bowel control but also good timing and superb accuracy. With diligent practice you will be astonished how little will fail to hit her.

I hope, little Rory, you will put into practice the little wheezes I have detailed and which make parenthood such a memorable experience.

Keep up the good work,

Big Martin

P.S. In your letter you asked what "a little bugger" was. This is like your Dad, only smaller.

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