Professor Denzil Dexter and His Crap Experiments...
Professor Denzil Dexter
Professor Denzil Dexter is (in my opinion) one of the funniest characters on BBC's "The Fast Show". Although his total screen time over the whole of the three series is probably not much over 5 minutes and although his vignettes are probably only about 30 seconds long, the whacked-out professor (played by comedian John Thomson) still manages to be just as funny as the rest of the more regular characters...
"DAVE!!!
The sounds of Professor Dexter's "Lab-oh-ratory":
-"Dave come see, it's beautiful man!" (24K)
-"By focusing my 'alpha waves'..." (124K)
-"The results are disappointing" (48K)
-"Dave man... you gotta have a go on this..." (68K)
-"Don't ask me why" (24K)
-"It tastes revolting" (52K)
-"Space Bats?" (220K)
The T.V. transcripts from "The Fast Show":
As a tribute to the Professor and his completely crap experiments, I have written down the transcripts of all (I think it's all of them...) of his mini-vignettes on "The Fast Show". This is mainly for the benefit of someone who has seen "The Fast Show" before. If you haven't seen it before these transcripts will probably make very little sense since much of the humour is very quick and very visual...
Anyway, enough explanation. Here they are... enjoy...
Crap Experiment #1...
From Series 1...
"We took four cardboard tubes... the kinda' tube you'd find in a regular brand of household toilet tissue. And then, proceeded to place them... on the floor... making four columns equidistantly, thus. We wanted to test if these cardboard tubes would support the average bodyweight of a human man..." [Stands on tubes] *Crunch* *Crunch*
[Looks at camera]
"No."
Crap Experiment #2...
From Series 1...
"Using a bunsen burner, we heated this beaker of bear's urine to 37 degrees Centigrade... that's human body temperature... [pauses, suddenly sips beaker, grimaces] It tastes revolting. Now dave and the sub-lectures... Dave..."
Crap Experiment #3...
From Series 2...
"The mind is a powerful tool and we have not yet begun to tap into its awesome potential. By focusing my 'alpha waves' I have been able to develop my mind to a vastly higher level. To demonstrate this, I will change the molecular structure in my hand and attempt to pass it through this regular pane of household glass... without disturbing the surface [waves hand, taps glass lightly without result, presses harder and finally breaks glass]... Dave!"
Crap Experiment #4...
From Series 2...
[D.Dexter] "I was educated at the Woodrow Wilson Institute of Science between the years 1967-1969. At this time, people like Prof. Timothy Leary were advocating philosophies such as tune in, turn on and drop out... and there was also the heavy use of halluecenogenic drugs. Can I just say at this point that these theories in no way affected my research and my philosophy."
[Cameraman] "And what exactly are you researching at the moment Prof. Dexter?"
[D.Dexter] "Space Bats."
[Cameraman]"Space Bats?"
[D.Dexter] "You bet your ass..."
Crap Experiment #5...
From Series 2...
"We took 70ml of ordinary tap water and placed it inside this beaker... we then took 70ml of rainwater collected from the laboratory roof and placed it inside *this* beaker. [arranges beakers, pauses] Don't ask me why... we just did..."
Crap Experiment #6...
From Series 2...
"They wanted to see if we could harness the powerful gamma rays that occur naturally in the Earth's atmosphere... So... Dave and I built this headset out of ordinary household objects... things you'd find in an ordinary house... or home... We'll switch on the light [click]... this is very important... and now we shall proceed to pull the lever... [pulls lever, weird noise erupts from headset. Prof. Dexter is obviously frying his brain...]. Dave man you've got to have a go on this... it's a gas!"
Crap Experiment #7...
From Series 2...
"We took a medium-sliced standard sized white family loaf, and placed it on this flame retardant slab... we then subjected it to a intense blast of heat... Ha HA! The results of this experiment were... you can almost see the fire sprites dancing in the flames, the pheonix rising from the ashes... Jim Morrison... The Doors... Jerry Garcia... The Grateful Dead... Oh Dave come see... it's beautiful man!"
Crap Experiment #8...
From Series 2...
"We took this skull... from another laboratory.. ha ha ha..."
Crap Experiment #9...
From the Christmas special...
"We wanted to establish if there was a link between sunspots and the lack of decent T.V. after 2 o'clock in the morning... which is when Dave and I usually get through in the lab-oh-ra-tory... we therefore compiled all the available data on sunspots occuring since 1987 and correlated this with the T.V. schdules of the same period... Now dave has spent the last week working with this raw data and I'm expecting him to come through with the results at any time... Dave? [picture pans back to see monkey amidst computer paper, monkey makes noises to Prof. Dexter...] The results are disappointing..."
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Page last updated 8th May 1998
Yes! Dave IS a monkey...