It strikes me as odd that
people are so surprised by this election. This is nothing new; in fact I think
it is only indicative of how corrupt the American democratic process really is.
Take for instance all the litigation that is swirling around the dimpled and
pregnant chads (the ones of which a vote can only be indicated by quantum
physics, a theory that it just so happens was made by Mr. Gore), the attempts by
Mr. Bush to extend faux olive branches to "end the election quickly"
("If you accept this I will drop all litigation and this thing can be over
(and I can win)"), and the attempts to undermine the rulings of the Florida
Secretary of State (because she apparently looks like Ozzy Osbourne). Well, I
have one thing to say about this: business as usual.
Did the voters
expect something else? None of what happened here has surprised me in the least.
Of course if the election is close there will be a recount. Of course if the
recount is not going in a way that pleases a candidate they will pull every
scheme they can to turn it around. Surprising? No. Disgusting? Yes.
Now this is in no
way intended to be a justification of the actions of either candidate. If the
situation were reversed Mr. Bush would be running the same marathon, he just
would not have the media so largely on his side. In 1960 when Richard Nixon
narrowly lost do to the sly maneuvering and questionable actions of John F.
Kennedy's father, Darth Kennedy, he conceded. He knew that the damage done to
people's faith in America by dragging the election out could not be undone. Sure
enough, he was back in action in 1968. The thing that differs between this
election and the one in 1960 is that in this election neither candidate was
especially inspiring, whereas in 1960 both were very strong political forces. So
in short, both Mr. Bush and Mr. Gore know that a loss will be final; there will
be no comeback in four years. There will only be a second chance by the victor
to win over the hearts of America.
Judging by their
track records and performance on the campaign trail, both candidates look as if
they will need to demonstrate some as-of-yet displayed qualities to be able to
pull this mess together. Both candidates were guilty of using soft money and
corporate funding to edge out third-party up-and-comers. Both candidates lied
repeatedly. There was a drinking game that some friends of mine and I played
where we would take a shot of tequila every time we ascertained a lie was being
told by one of the candidates. Needless to say I had to re-watch the first
debate on tape later because I passed out about halfway through (and couldn't
pronounce the word ‘ascertain' after five minutes). In fact the debates, which
so much of America watched (slightly less than 3 percent, most of which
consisted of nursing homes and drunk college students), were so riddled with
inaccuracies and half-truths that if this had been a fairy tale both candidates
would have needed rhinoplasty.
Is it any surprise
that the choices that America has are so poor? Most Americans are uneducated
about politics. They think that America won its independence from an occupying
nation of Satan-worshiping communists led by a man named Hitler who was killed
by Ronald Reagan in a fistfight in 1776. Most Americans have no sense of
themselves, of their history. No wonder the French are snooty.
We live in a
country of single-issue voters that are swayed by the color of the candidate's
tie and the number of celebrity endorsements that they can get. Alec Baldwin
even claimed that if Bush won he would leave the country. All I have to say to
that is "Go Bush!" Maybe then we won't have to put up with another
movie as bad as The Edge– let the French have him. I personally don't
see how Mr. Baldwin knows any more about politics than I do. Martin Sheen on the
other hand, whose opinion got press on several major TV news networks, is a
noted political expert due to his extensive experience (1 ½ seasons) on the
set of The West Wing (note my sarcasm). What scares me is the way that people
follow this celebrity rhetoric so earnestly. Some of these boneheads barely
graduated High School! I think it's only a matter of time before we see Air AlGore
tennis shoes flying off the shelves.
A professor of
mine once made the observation that the winner of a Presidential election is
simply the one who can steal the most votes. This sad fact is evident by the
volatile nature of public opinion. People tend not to be educated about really
simple election issues such as say…pushing a pin through a hole. I
think that the real travesty here is not the inevitable vote-counting
ambiguities, but the sad minions of zombies who voted blindly on party lines or
the way that their parents/Unions/favorite-celebrity told them to. And the ones
who did not vote at all deserve to be sent back in time to Stalinist Russia to
see what freedom really means. Change will not happen unless as voters we speak
our minds, cast our votes as we see fit, and stand up for what we believe. It is
not as if it is a lot of work to read up a little on these guys and make an
educated decision (even if it be for the lesser of two evils), especially with
such fancy new fan-dangled inventions such as "books" and the
"Internet" (the one not invented by Mr. Gore).
Here are a few
suggestions to whomever it is that comes up with guidelines for Presidential
debates to make them fairer in the future (Alan Greenspan, maybe?). First, they
should include the third party candidates. It was obvious in this election that
Ralph Nader was a formidable force, and the fact that he was kept out of the
debates was indicative of how afraid Mr. Gore and Mr. Bush were of a few simple
issues such as campaign finance reform and foreign policy. Mr. Bush later said
on The Late Show with David Letterman that if the people who bombed the US Naval
vessel in Yemen were discovered they would "not be happy campers"
after he finished with them (or something to that effect). Glad to know you care
there, big guy. As mentioned before, accuracy was a big issue as well. All that
we had was the opposing candidate to point a finger every time the other stated
a fact that disagreed with his own (Wow, no bias there). What is needed is a
moderator (preferably not Alec Baldwin, despite his political expertise). This
moderator could buzz in every time a participant lied, point out the misnomer,
and promptly cover him with slime like on the kids' television station,
Nickelodeon. Lastly, a candidate's microphone should be turned off after the
time limit (this means you, Mr. Gore!).
It is up to the
American public to force change. As a nation we must educate ourselves and say ‘No!'
to the standard issue candidate whose biggest assets are a great smile and an
eye for power. That's right, we should elect Harrison Ford. After all, he made a
dandy President in the hit action film Air Force One. His ‘veep' can be Mel
Gibson. He's patriotic right? No wait, he's Australian.