The definitive interview with Charlton Heston
By Dogman
Dogman: Mr.
Heston, Thank you for joining us.
Heston: It is my pleasure,
friend, anything to help and spread the “truth.”
D: And what would the
“truth” be, are you here to talk about God, or perhaps speak out against gun
control…
H: No, no…nothing as
simple as that. I’m here you warn
you about your food.
D: Kibbles and Bits?
H: Maybe not your food, I
mean people food.
D: Wheaties?
H: No, not wheaties…Soylent
Green.
D: Uh, what the hell
is…”So-land Sheen?” Is it
related to Charlie?
H: No, Soylent Green,
you haven’t heard of it? It is
the new food that everyone loves; it’s all the rage. We have to use riot control and bulldozers to contain to
crowds in waiting for it.
D: It sounds Chinese –
what type of food is it?
H: (under his breath)
I’m sure some of it is.
D: What was that?
H: Nothing.
D: So what about this
“Toilet Green”
H: Soylent, thank
you very much. (Heston stands up
and strikes a dramatic pose). Soylent
Green is People!! Soylent Green is
People!!
D: (Dogman grabs
Heston’s shoulders, shaking him) Get a hold on yourself man!
H: (Heston shrugs Dogman
off) Get your stinking paws off me you Damn Dirty Ape!!!
D: I’m uh, not an
ape…I’m a dog.
H: Sorry, I can get carried
away. Don’t touch me again though
or I will have to whip your Canine ass to 1000 BC – make you deal with
the Pharaoh!
D: Okeeeee-uh…anything
else?
H: To those of you
detaining people in order to turn them into food: I order you to let my people go!!
D: Yes folks, you heard it
here first. Tom Green is good
people – so hang with him if you get a chance.
H: Soylent Green
Damnit!!
D: Yeah, that too.
Anything you want to add as a final note?
H: Join the NRA and
protect your god given right of gun ownership.
Protect yourself and your family. Don’t
become anther senseless nutritional fact.
D: Thank you.
(Heston gets in his chariot and rides off)