Meerkat Mailer # 7
August 7, 2001
Steely Dan Quote of the Day: “And what's so strange about a down-home family romance?” Absolutely nothing, hehe
NEWS IN BRIEF
NEW JERSEY -- A boy who was miraculously living with a detached head was sent to the hospital on Sunday after his head was kicked by a confused woman who thought he was playing a game. Walking around with head held in hand, he had been the cause of much hullabaloo over the weekend as shocked beachgoers ran in startled fear from the “freak of nature.” “I just didn’t know what to do…he was running and laughing and tossing his head around like a ball. So I kicked it.” Doctors say that he sustained a minor concussion and some disorientation but is otherwise fairing very well. There is no word yet on how he could live with a detached head but experts agree that he should not be made to feel like an outsider. “You’ve heard the legend of sleepy hollow, right? We don’t want none of that,” Cranial-Detachment expert Ian Crane added. In the legend of Sleepy Hollow, an estranged “headless horsemen” tortured a town with mischievous shenanigans after he was made to feel like an outsider.
See a picture of the boy: http://meerkat_love.tripod.com/mailer/head.jpg
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PLAINS, GA -- Former President Jimmy Carter said that he is disappointed in
President Bush’s performance thus far. Jimmy
Carter not only is a democrat (to Bush’s Republican), but also is widely
regarded as one of the most ineffective presidents in American history.
Bush responded “I know I haven’t done a great job…but
Carter? C’mon now!
You only won your election because Gerry Ford didn’t know where Poland
was! Everyone knows that it’s in
Africa. [Sniff].”
Carter rebutted by only saying “Nyah!”
*
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A JOKE -- The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all
over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the
urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.
"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband
claims to
have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals
covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the
guy who pissed in your saxophone."
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HOLLYWOOD -- Director Tim Burton on Thursday threatened violence against
drudgereport.com editor Matt Drudge after he revealed how Burton turns beloved
American President Abraham Lincoln
into an Ape in his new movie,
Planet of the Apes. "I'd
like to take that hat of his and set it on fire on his head!" Burton said
of Drudge, “he is the
reason that the earth is doomed”. Drudge
responded by calling Burton a “filthy Gorilla” and warned him to “keep his
damn dirty paws off of him.”
*
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The title of the Next Star Wars movie has been announced:
“Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones".
FUN FACT: Australia is going
to allow people to mark their religion as “Jedi” on the upcoming national
census.
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AP -- Embalming fluid has become an increasingly popular drug among people
nationwide who are looking for a new and different high – one that comes with
violent side effects. Users -
mainly teen-agers and really old people - are buying tobacco or marijuana
cigarettes that have been soaked in the fluid, and then dried. They are called
by nearly a dozen names nationwide, including ``wet,'' ``fry'' and ``illy.''
Symptoms of this drugs effect are reported to include an overwhelming
desire to disrobe and a strong distaste for meat.
Most consider these symptoms counter-productive.
*
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Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must
confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.
"Everything's all right,
go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best
friend,
and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
* * *
Peace from the Meerkat
“Pie Bye!”
Golden_Urinal@potm.net
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