Steely Dan Quote of the Day:  “The Cuervo Gold, The fine Columbian, Makes tonight a wonderful thing.”
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HUDSON HEIGHTS, CANADA -- A recent run-in with an overly exuberant squirrel traumatized a senior citizen in Hudson Heights last week.  She described the assailant as pure evil.  "It was really scary," she explained. "I managed to get it off me, only to have it then try to run up my pant leg. As I tried to shake it off, I fell and cut my arm. I was screaming, but there was nobody around. It was jumping all over me like a cat and I really had to fight it off."  Lacerated and traumatized, she was not able to get emergency attention and so had to dress the wounds herself.  The Squirrel persisted though, and as she moved through the house it followed her in the windows, “like a puppy” she said.  An evil puppy no doubt.  The fact that this incident was reported is yet more evidence that Canada is really lame.  See a picture of the squirrel: http://meerkat_love.tripod.com/news/Squirrel.jpg  
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NEW DELHI, INDIA -- An investigation has found that a mysterious ``monkey man'' who spread terror and panic in the Indian capital last month was a product of mass hysteria, newspapers said Monday.  The probe by forensic experts and psychiatrists concluded the monkey-man was created by the “imagination of an emotionally weak people.”  Many have said the same about MTV’s Total Request Live. 
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A JOKE -- “When I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals” 
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ABSOLUT MAYHEM -- Russia was in crisis yesterday as vodka stocks fell fast after producers of the national drink suspended operations for fear of violating excise rules.  Distilleries such as Kristall were at a standstill.  A grim picture was painted of acute shortages and even riots to come if confusion over the new tax measures was not cleared up and production did not resume soon.  For those that don’t know, Russians like alcohol like Germans like Hasselhoff.  Officials eased the public mind, simply asking, “What’s a riot without alcohol?  Seriously folks, how long would something like that last if the people weren’t drunk?” 
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>>>Do you wanna buy a monkey?<<<

LONDON, UK -- Firefighters are blaming a goldfish for setting a garden shed on fire and sending 26 people to the hospital.  The fish’s bowl acted like a magnifying glass, concentrating the sun’s rays and thus igniting the shed, which contained numerous noxious chemicals.  People around the fire suffered nausea, vomiting and burning chest sensations.  The goldfish did not survive the attack.
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DID YOU KNOW?  A peanut is a legume, not a nut.  To further confuse things, botanically speaking, a banana is a berry. 
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ENTERTAINMENT NEWS -- David Manning of The Ridgefield Press is one of Columbia Pictures’ most reliable reviewers, praising Heath Ledger of “A Knight’s Tale” as “this year’s hottest new star!” and saluting “The Animal” as “another winner!” The studio plastered Manning’s raves over at least four different movie advertisements, including “Hollow Man” and “Vertical Limit.” But Manning, it turns out, does not exist. Challenged last week by NEWSWEEK about the reviewer’s authenticity, Columbia parent Sony Pictures Entertainment admitted that Manning is a fake, a product of the studio’s advertising department, adding “he is just a manifestation of that little part in all of us that holds actors like Rob Schneider close to our hearts”.  Scientists have been unable to determine what part of people exactly can possibly endear Rob Schneider, but they think that it is somewhere near the anus – which incidentally is not near the heart.  Another lie perhaps?  Or were these scientists made up too? 
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FT WORTH, TX -- A youthful thief on a bicycle and brandishing a toy gun held up a Taco Bell through the drive-up window but had to wait so long for a chalupa that he ended up getting caught, authorities say.  "He got the money but then waited there while his food was being prepared,'' said Fort Worth Police Lt. Duane Paul. ``He never got his chalupa.”

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