Meerkat Mailer # 2
May 12, 2001
News in Brief
Steely Dan Quote of Week: "See the Glory of the Royal Scam"
WASHINGTON, DC -- In an effort to conserve energy in this new age of shortages, President George W. Bush agreed not to execute Timothy McVeigh by the electric chair, but rather by Lethal Injection. “We all have to do our part, and this energy crisis is clearly the most important issue of the day,” Bush said Wednesday.
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RIVERSIDE, CA -- Rock group sensation Alien Ant Farm has stated that they will be changing their image and becoming a hard-core metal group.
When reached for comment, vocalist Dryden Mitchell claimed that "metal has always been my passion. I love to scream, so this decision just feels right." He then made a modified "metal sign" with both of his hands to show his enthusiasm for the musical shift, claiming they would be "too much metal for one hand."
Drummer Mike Cosgrove shared Mitchell's enthusiasm, saying "yeah...i don't know...it's just like, i don't know! Metal has always been a part of us, an I guess we just want more violent fans who fling beer all over everyone. It is, and always has been, about being loud."
A picture of the cover-art of their next album, Anthill to Hell, can be seen online here: http://meerkat_love.tripod.com/news/ANTERA.gif
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A JOKE: One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She
told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show
him just how wrong he is."
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NEW DEHLI, INDIA -- Some say the assaults are by a monkey, others believe a masked man is responsible. But whatever it is, it has spread panic in Ghaziabad, a suburb of New Dehli. The unknown creature has scratched many people and left the authorities perplexed.
There are cries of “Kill him, kill him'' in many localities after dusk, since that is when the mysterious creature chooses to strike. The police chief has stated that “these rumors are rubbish, there is no reason to believe that anyone is out there imitating the manor of a wild animal.”
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ENTERTAINMENT NEWS -- The Mummy Returns topped box offices this week, unseating A Knight’s Tale, which made the boast that it would “rock us”. It apparently could not out-rock the Rock himself, who stars in Mummy.
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THE ASSOCIATED PRESS -- Echoing the election it hoped to clarify, a newspaper
review of Florida's more than 170,000 uncounted presidential ballots found
evidence of widespread voter confusion and no absolute winner.
USA Today, the Herald, Knight Ridder newspapers, and The Tampa Tribune reviewed the state's uncounted votes. USA Today and the Herald both acknowledged Mr. Bush as the final winner, while Knight Ridder newspapers concluded it was Mr. Gore, and The Tampa Tribune stated the winner was surprisingly a write-in candidate, Marshall Mathers, who is better known as rap-sensation ‘Eminem’.
All of Mathers’ votes however were not counted in standard vote-counting procedures because in every one, the vote was not cast properly. Mr. Gore declined comment while Mathers has filed a lawsuit with the Florida State Supreme court, claiming that “those dirty faggot bitches better recognize my [expletive] legitimacy”.
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LONDON, ENGLAND -- Prime Minister Tony Blair is considering whether his old friend Bill Clinton should be bestowed with an honorary knighthood, according to British and American sources. Mr. Blair is said to be concerned that such an award to Mr. Clinton could harm relations with President George W Bush.
An insider said it would be "utterly amazing and inconceivable for Clinton to be snubbed" by not receiving a knighthood. During his visit to Washington in February, the Prime Minister said that Mr. Clinton was "a friend of mine and will remain a friend of mine, and is by far my dandiest connection for bitches and hos.”
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THE ASSOCIATED PRESS -- Leading US Senator Jesse Helms came out in criticism of the White Houses historic “One China Policy” in response to the detainment of the US crew of the surveillance plane that crashed-landed in China recently. He claimed “those Chinese bastards have controlled us long enough, as far as I am concerned, the Taiwan is as sovereign as Mainland China and would be an excellent place for a US military base”.
When contacted for comment, Chinese officials only responded in some language other than English that is presumed to be gibberish.
* * *
ANOTHER JOKE -- A
traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw a
little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some
water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need
water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is nice restaurant. Walk that
way, and they'll give you all he water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill.
Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
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