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NEW DELHI, INDIA - The wild theories surrounding the "monkey-man" that is terrorizing the region are as boundless as they are wild. However in a refreshing turn from panic to paranoia, the latest theory blames the Pakistani government for sending this wild "monkey-man", who is now alleged to have hurt over a dozen people and frightened several cows.

The historic tension between the two nations was typified last year when they tested their first nuclear bombs and gave each other really dirty looks. For the laymen who are not familiar with conflict escalation etiquette, the traditional next step up from a nuclear arms showdown is the sending of a half-man, half-animal to the other nation. For instance, the United States traditionally sends ferret-men. When asked what, if anything Indian officials may be sending up to Pakistan in response, they issued no comment. However it is widely agreed upon that for India, an elephant-man would be most effective.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS - Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo has declared war on Japan in a recent Rolling Stone interview. "I fell in love with a woman who works [at a Japanese record company], and because of their feudal policies they wouldn't let us see each other or talk to each other…" Cuomo said, continuing, "…Now its like World War III between Weezer and Japan." Japan has yet to respond to the declaration, and would not comment. Terms of battle are still yet-to-be determined, however if Weezer's dork persona and latest release, what they call the "green album", are any indication, it should involve Sumo Wrestling, Marijuana, and the eighties role-playing game sensation "Dungeons and Dragons". Reportedly, band members Pat Wilson and Brian Bell have been argueing over "who got dungeon-master". "I sure hope it ain't Sumo Wrestling," said bassist Mikey Welsh, "we suck at that".

LOS ANGELES, CA - A 6-month-old feral-kitten, believed to have been set on fire with a blowtorch, chewed off a burned front leg and part of a hind leg out of pain, say rescuers who named the cat Stubbs. Deneen Justice, the San Pedro woman who found Stubbs, said it took rescue groups and animal control officers 18 days to trap the kitten in a storage yard near her office. The animal rescue officers had no comment on why it took them so long to capture a severely injured 2 1/2-legged kitten.

ROME, ITALY - With the media mogul Silvio Berlusconi's election to Premier of Italy, controversy abounds. Many United States and European leaders have pointed out that there may be a conflict-of-interests, as Berlusconi controls more than 90% of Italy's media. Internal protest however has been minimal, as everyone in Italy sees him as a "pretty stand-up guy".

CALIFORNIA - State investigators have uncovered evidence that a "cartel" of power companies shut down plants for unnecessary maintenance to ratchet up prices, the head of the California Public Utilities Commission asserted Thursday. In response, California residents answered with a collective "no [expletive] shit, Sherlock." They have been receiving "the shaft" on both gasoline and power for months.

A JOKE - There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

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