Steely Dan Quote of the week:  “No I’m never gonna do it without the fez on…that’s what I am, please understand, I want to be your holy man” 
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NEW DELHI, INDIA – As “monkey-man” hysteria dies down in New Delhi, a new monster has moved into town…the supernatural and mysterious “bear-man”.  More than a dozen people are claiming to have been attacked by the assailant that is being described as half-bear, half-man, and all scary.  It allegedly becomes invisible when it attacks, can pass through closed doors and moves with surprising agility despite its ungainly bear components.  New Delhi officials have denied existence of this new animal-man hybrid, citing the villagers’ tendency for superstition, adding that “[the] only supernatural animals in India are the cows”. 
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WASHINGTON, DC – President George W. Bush is pursuing the development of the national missile defense system that bears a striking similarity to Ronald Reagan’s infamous star wars systems of the 1980’s.  Bush is pursuing the system despite the fact that he has no international or even NATO backing, and despite the fact that of the numerous models and test systems, nothing in this multi-billion dollar system has ever worked.  When contacted for comment at his Texas ranch near Dallas, Bush was reported as saying “My Bad,” and “You know I was just playin’ with ya’ll.”  Family members say he then shot his horse, jumped up and down on his cowboy hat, and subsequently turned the question over to his advisors.   
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WHAT WOULD JESUS PLAY? Catholic Supply Inc. has introduced a new line of Jesus Statues featuring “J.C.” participating in various sports activities such as basketball, hockey, baseball, soccer and football.  “They’re good for boys because they’re religious and cool. Kind of like J.C. himself.”  Who knew the Messiah could be such a player?
http://www.catholicsupply.com/christmas/sports.html
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ANNANOVA, ZAMBIA – A python has swallowed a new-born baby, according to reports on Zambian State TV.  The snake swallowed the baby within minutes after it being born in Serenje, a small community south of the Zambian capital of Annanova.  Joyce Mibenge was working in the fields near her home when she went into labor.  As ZNBC reporter said the woman spent several minutes recovering from the birth but when she opened her eyes: “she saw a happy python licking the legs of the baby with the rest already swallowed”.  She ran for home but villagers found no evidence of the python.  It is not apparent what a “happy python” would look like, however it is apparent that this is one more reason NOT TO GO TO AFRICA.
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A JOKE – One day, two friends were on the beach. The smaller of the two was in awe about how many women his friend was attracting. "How do attract so many women and I so few?" He asked.

"Well Patrick," the other said, "go home and put a potato in your pants and that will drive the women wild."

The next day, they came back to the beach. William was still attracting all of the women, but much to Patrick's surprise, all of the women were avoiding him more than usual.  "I've gone home and found the biggest potato I could, put it in my pants,” he said, “and now all of the women are running away. What did I do wrong?"

William looked him over and said, "Patrick, have you considered putting that potato in the front of your pants?"
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PARIS, FRANCE – A man who tried to extinguish the "eternal flame" burning under the Arc de Triomphe by sitting on it has been treated for burns to his bottom.  The Paris daily Liberation said the unnamed prankster struck on Sunday night and was promptly pulled off the illustrious flame, which has been burning since 1921 and honors the French who died during WWI.  One of the police officials that arrested the man reportedly told him that the dishonor that his prank entailed would “put his ass in the eternal flame in more ways than one”. 
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SHANGHAI, CHINA – Call it the Snoopy stampede, Peanuts run amok or McMayhem.  What started as a chance for parents in the south China city of Guangzhou to treat their kids to a fuzzy doll of the popular cartoon dog soured after thousands of crazed parents descended upon McDonald's fast food outlets.  Trouble arose when stocks of toy ran thin and scuffles broke out over the stuffed dogs.  Disgruntled Guangzhou residents flooded McDonald's hot-lines with complaints after waiting for hours without getting their hands on a Snoopy doll, many claiming that their children's education was on the line as disappointed students who collected anything but the full set of six dolls lacked the will to pursue their studies.  The Guangzhou Teachers Association responded to this by saying “wa wa wa, wawa wa waa wa wa”.

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