One-liners

-Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on 
me. -Robert Frost

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't 
think that 
he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an 
underachiever. -Woody Allen 

-"Trust in God, but lock your car."

-Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God 
talks to us we're schizophrenic? --Lily Tomlin

--"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my 
name at a Swiss bank."  (Woody Allen) 

-...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "Shit! A 
truck!"

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the 
dead.

-"The only difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word fuck." 

-Reputation is what you do when people are looking. Character is what you do 
when people aren't looking.--Parke Kallenberg 

-The good man is always honest. The evil man is always dishonest. The smart man 
just keeps his mouth shut. 

-Suicide is the sincerest form of self critism. 

-Why am I upset when I think that I'm different from everybody else, but angry 
when I realise that I'm the same? 

-It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice. 

-Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of 
humour to console him for what he is. 

-There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and 
those who talk a lot.

--Character is what you know you are, not what others think you are. Marvin 
Collins and Civia Tamark 

-"The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be 
taken too seriously." (Nicholas Murray Butler) 

-"Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes." (Robert 
M. Hutchins) 

-"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know 
a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic 
tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" 
(Jake Johansen) 

-I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 

-Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. --James T. 
Hammond 

-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.    

-I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.    

-I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.    

-"I may not be better than other people, but at least I'm different." -French 
philosopher Rousseau 

-Ivan: Why do you take aspirin with champagne?
Alice: Oh, champagne gives me a headache.

-Kathleen Conklin: We drink to escape the fact we're alcoholics. Existence is 
the search for relief from our habit, and our habit is the only relief we can 
find.

--A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive .

- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.-Henny Youngman

-Alcohol is one of mankind's greatest enemies, but the bible tells us to love 
our enemies...

-"I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer, the future is uncertain and 
the end is always near" --The Doors L.A. Woman 

-Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.    

-There's too much blood in my caffeine system. 

-It's better to arrive later in this world than early in the next.

-Drive carefully. We need every taxpayer we can get. 

-A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the 
system works.

-Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone 
going faster than you is a maniac.-- George Carlin

-"The art of flirtation is dying.  A man and woman are either in love these 
days or just friends. In the realm of love, reticenceand sophistication should 
go hand in hand, for one of the greatjoys of life is discovery.  Nowadays, 
instead of progressing from "vous" to "tu", from Mister to Jim, it's 'darling' 
and 'come to myplace' in the first hour." - Marya Mannes

-Joanie: And you are a psychopathic, schizophrenic, maladjusted social misfit 
who is clearly in the middle of a very deep homosexual panic.

-Maggie: I don't wish him dead. But, should that occur... people die everyday, 
why should he be any different?

-Carol: Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.

-If hate were people, I'd be China!

--Libby: Grandma was right. Once a shitheel, always a shitheel.
Herbert: Your grandmother talks like that?
Libby: The words are mine, the wisdom is hers!

 Your mama's so fat, she on both sides of the family.
 Your mama's so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a 
refund.
Your mama's so dumb, they told her it was chilly outside, 
she went and got a bowl.
 Your mama's so country, she got in an elevator, thought 
it was a mobile home.

-If you tried to phone hell from here, it'd be a local call.

- Don't let your mouth get you into something your ass can't handle.

-You look like a can of smashed assholes.

--I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough 
water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your 
father smelt of elderberries!

-Everything I've ever told you has been a lie. Including that.

-There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly women are at a Catskills mountain resort, 
and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The 
other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such small portions." Well, that's 
essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering 
and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. --Woody Allen.

-Dad, you used to fly 747s, and now you deliver toilet paper.

-Robert Leffingwell: Son, this is a Washington, D.C. kind of lie. It's when the 
other person knows you're lying and also knows you know he knows.

-Audrey Paris: You see, Sammy, in California everybody needs a car. I got a 
friend who bought a Mercedes just to get to the bathroom.

-Photographer: Did you know that "if" is the middle of the word "life"?

-Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when 
you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When your a teenager 
you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your 
thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to 
yourself, "What happended to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot 
belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your 
old girlfriends from highschool becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a 
minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you 
have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you 
can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, 
you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. 
And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate 
in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, 
you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who 
your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions? --Billy Cristal [City slcikers](One of 
the best comedies of all time]

-Nothing is impossible, just mathematically improbable.-Anita Weiss

-The world is full of willing people: some willing to work, the rest willing to 
let them. 

Everything's  funny as long as it's happening to 
somebody else. 

-All things are difficult before they are easy. 

-You never get a second chance to make a good first impression. 

-You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know 
how seldom they do. (O.Miller) 

-Be nice to your kids.They'll choose your nursing home.

-Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never 
were and ask why not. --George Bernard Shaw 

-"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." 

-"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole 
cover and die."-Mel Brooks

"Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do."

-"Live long enough to be a problem to your kids."

-Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig. ~ 
Paul Dickson ~

-Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we 
are not the person involved. ~ Mark Twain ~

-He's too beautiful. He's too much twisted steel and sex appeal. I can't be 
with a guy that looks like I won him in a raffle.

-Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a 
certain... morally casual attitude.

-Cadbury : Tell me what you know about yourself.
 Anne Shirley: Well, it really isn't worth telling, Mrs. Cadbury... but if you 
let me tell you what I IMAGINE about myself you'd find it a lot more 
interesting.

-Regina Hubbard: How do I look, honey?
 Ben Hubbard: Bright and shiny, honey, like a nice new two-bit piece.

- I mean look at her, like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on 
the way down.[True romance]

- I find that girl completely resistible.

-Stinky: Do you see her face? Girls like that are born with a boyfriend.

-A beautiful girl is all powerful and that is as good as love gets.

-She had that come-on look and not-yet smile. 

-I'm beginning to think that maybe it's not just how much you love someone. 
Maybe what matters is who you are when you're with them.

-Dr. Phibes: Love means never having to say you're ugly.

-Amy: Do you believe in love?
Joe Gideon: I believe in saying, "I love you."

-Once we know the number one, we believe that we know the number two, because 
one plus one equals two. We forget that first we must know the meaning of plus.
[Alphaville]

-You set your heart too much on frivolous things and then crash down into 
despair when you don't get them.

 For you, my little prairie flower / I'm thinking of you 
every hour / It 
would make my life divine / if you would change your name to mine.

I'll follow you into your grave. I'll write my name on your 
tombstone.

-When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've 
got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the 
point? And, for a while, I believed that's the kind of love I had. -- Robert De 
Niro (Casino).

-"With Romeo and Juliet, you're talking about two people who meet one night, 
and get married the same night. I believe in love at first sight - but it 
hasn't happened to me yet." -- Leonardo De Caprio.

-Gene Anders: Do you mind if I tell you again that I love you?
Kay Denham: Go right ahead.
Gene Anders: Will you believe it?
Kay Denham: No. But I like it.

- At first, after the breakup, you'll have these visions. Of you alone, 57,58, 
walking around, wearing a nightgown, your hair in a bun, maybe you're a 
librarian, heating up a can of soup for one, and worrying about the cobwebs 
that are growing in your womb.

-I've always held that early marriage is a sure indication of second-rate goods 
that had to be sold in a hurry.

-Now there's a guy who never goes out of a girl's mind. He just stays 
there...like a heavy meal.

-Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. 
(Casablanca)

-"What good is love without understanding?  How can we love eachother if we 
don't know each other and understand each other?  Howcan we understand each 
other if we don't know each other?  Andhow can we know each other if we don't 
love each other?"- Julie Anne Bovasso

-A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.  - Woodrow 
Wyatt

-"Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it.  Bitterness paralyzes life; love 
empowers it.  Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it.  Bitterness sickens 
life; love heals it.  Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes."        - 
Harry Emerson Fosdick

-"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one 
equals nothing." - Mignon McLaughlin 

-"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." - Agnes Repplier 

-Don't marry someone you can live with .Marry someone you can't live without.--
Anon

-God is love,Love is blind,I am blind,Therefore, I am God.-- M.Lackey

-The fastest way to lose love is to hold on too tightly. 

-You don't realize what you have until it is gone. 

-You're not dead yet: so stop living as if you are!

-I'm tired of living, but not scared of dying, because death would at least put 
an end to my fear of death, which is making my life not worth living. 

-The days go on and on... they don't end. All my life needed was a sense of 
someplace to go. I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-
attention, I believe that one should become a person like other people. --(Taxi 
driver)

[Why she is seeing the doctor:]
-Phyllis Mann: My soul needs a overhaul.

--Joe Gideon: No, nothing I ever do is good enough. Not beautiful enough, it's 
not funny enough, it's not deep enough, it's not anything enough. Now, when I 
see a rose, that's perfect. I mean, that's perfect. I want to look up to God 
and say, "How the hell did you do that? And why the hell can't I do that?"

-My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. That's a sentence I read once 
and I say it over to comfort myself in these times that try the soul.

-I'll starve myself to death, it's the easiest way out. It's not so difficult 
to do. I tried it yesterday afternoon.

 I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of pain.

 I can't stand pain. It hurts me.

I can stand anything but pain! [Annie Hall]

-Annie Hall: Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture.
Alvy Singer: You? You kiddin'? If the Gestapo would take away your 
Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything.

-"One day I sat thinking, almost in despair; a hand fell on my shoulder and a 
voice said reassuringly: 'Cheer up, things could get worse.' So I cheered up 
and, sure enough, things got worse." -James Hagerty 

-He was my idol. I can't think of a time when I didn't know his name.

-Anna Hart: I feel as though I'm more myself than ever before.

 I hate people.
 I don't. I just like it better when they're not around.

-I don't know the difference between a Picasso and a car crash.

-Rick: I stick my neck out for nobody. [Casablanca]

-Some people never go crazy. What miserable lives they must lead.

-We attract hearts by the qualities we display;we retain them by the qualities 
we possess.

-Some of the poorest people I know are as broke as the Ten Commandments.

-Henry Chinaski:That's it.
Wanda Wilcox: That's what?
Henry Chinaski: I'm broke. Can't buy another drink.
Wanda Wilcox: You mean you don't have any money?
Henry Chinaski: No money, no job, no rent. Hey, I'm back to normal.

-Reggie Hammond: Let me tell you something, Jack. If shit was worth something, 
poor people would be born with no hole in their ass.

-I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention! 

Your father is so poor, I saw him kicking a can down the 
street, and I asked 
him, "What are you doing?" He said, "Moving." 

Your family is so poor, your TV only has two channels - on 
and off. 

-Virtue has never been as respectable as money.--Mark Twain 

-Money talks, they say, but mine only says good-bye. 

-Money is the root of all evil, but man needs roots. (J.Peers) 

-Ashleigh Brilliant : All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me 
happy.

-John Laws : I spent most of my money on booze and women. The rest I wasted.

-"When a fellow says, "it ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's 
the money." (F. McKinney Hubbard) 

-If you want to know what a man is really like, pay attention to how he acts 
when he loses his money.

-There are three faithful friends -- an old wife, an old dog and ready money.

- Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of 
hours.    

-I have a chronic displeasure with misfortune.

-Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. - Napolean 

-"Money is the root of all wealth."

-"A penny saved is ridiculous!"

-Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat 
broke and having a stomach ache. ~ Dolph Sharp ~

-Who ever said money cant buy nothing, doesnot know where to shop.

-A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move 
forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

- I like people who make me like them. Saves me so much trouble forcing myself 
to like them.

-If you're wondering if we had another fight, the answer is no. Just a 
continuation of the same one.

-Joe Gideon: Sometimes I don't know where the bullshit ends and the truth 
begins.

-Marianne Byron: You're too stuck on yourself to be jealous.

-Roger Cobb: You bought me a grave-post for my 38th birthday?

-Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish guys die 
before their wives? They want to.

-Joan: Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an 
oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with 
somebody else.

-We're not fighting! We're in complete agreement! We hate each other!

-You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with someone 
from another country. You can't take it personally. What's really terrific is 
that when we act in ways which might objectively seem asshole-ish or, or, 
incredibly annoying, they don't get upset at all. They don't take it 
personally. They just assume it's some national characteristic.

-I hardly said a word to my wife until I said yes to a divorce.

-J.D. Sheldrake: You see a girl a couple of times a week and sooner or later 
she thinks you'll divorce your wife. Not fair, is it?
C.C. Baxter: No, especially to your wife.

-Your body madam was a desert that duty forced me to wander in alone. But you 
have never been a wife to me!

-Jesse: I know happy couples... but I think they lie to each other!

-Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.

-I don't go to bed with just anyone anymore. I have to be attracted to them 
sexually.

-You got to go through a lot of sex to be ready for anti-sex.

-Carol: The idea of me strutting up the aisle like some snowy white virgin is 
insane.

-[Lyle, a kindergarten teacher, is reading a Christmas story]
Lyle: And then an angel of the lord decended upon the virgin Mary...
Kid: What's a virgin?
Lyle: A virgin is someone who has never had sex.
Kid: What's sex?
Lyle: Uh sex, uh sex is how men and women make babies.
Kid: Are you a virgin?
Lyle: No.
Kid: So you have a baby?
Lyle: Uhm, no, men and women who don't want babies also have sex.
Kid: What for?
Lyle: For about ten or fifteen minutes.

-You mustn't force sex to do the work of love or love to do the work of sex.  - 
Mary McCarthy.

-When you are stressed : tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch 
them from high places.

-Time sure flies when you're young and jerking off.

-Time. Time. What is time? Swiss manufacture it. French horde it. Italians want 
it. Americans say it is money. Hindus say it does not exist. Do you know what I 
say? I say time is a crook.

-Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.    

-Hans Neumann: Who expects a psychologist to think? Especially when you are so 
busy thinking what you think other people are thinking.

-I really believe that if there's any kind of God, he wouldn't be in any one of 
us---not you, not me, but just in the space in between. If there's some magic 
in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone else, sharing 
something. Even if it's almost impossible to succeed, but who cares, the answer 
must be in the attempt.

-Soldier: I will not fight with a lady!
Claire: I am no lady when I fight!

- Listen, Lady. I generally never sock a dame. But I'm inclined to make an 
exception of you.

-Valerie Solanas : Give me fifteen cents, and I'll give you a dirty word.
Maurice Girodias: What's the word?
Valerie Solanas: Men.

Women are all alike!
For Pete's sake, what difference does that make? You've 
got to have them, they're standard equipment.

-Specialist in women and other diseases.

-When the Lord created the world he looked at it and said "That's good." Then 
he created man, looked at him and said "That's good but I believe that I can do 
better." So he created woman!!!"

-Beauty is the first thing that nature gives to women,and the first thing it 
takes away.--Mere

-Women. Can't live with them, can't live without them.

-If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. -- 
Aristotle Onassis 

-The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the 
morning and does not stop until you get to the office.--Robert Frost 

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows 
where all the bad girls live. 

-There are three ways to get something done.  1. Do it yourself.  2. Hire 
someone to do it for you.  3. Forbid your kids to do it. 

-If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an 
easier way to do it.

-When someone says, "Can you keep a secret?" They already know you can't. 

-A promise made is debt left unpaid. 

-An American is a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is 
always polite to traffic cops. 

-Always avoid temptation unless you can't resist it. 
 
-There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business. One is 
that they haven't any mind, the other - that they haven't any business. 

-Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't 
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying. 

-Never lose your nerve, your temper or your car keys. 

-The best contraceptive is a glass of water - not before or after, but instead. 

-You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop 
laughing. 

-One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

-"It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it 
is the parts that I do understand." (Mark Twain) 

-I felt dazed, like I just came out of a 4 hour movie I didn't understand.

-You know what I say. Whenever you got business trouble the best thing to do is 
to get a lawyer. Then you got more trouble, but at least you got a lawyer.

--Pete: I'm hungry. What would you say to a hamburger?
James Allen: What would I say to a hamburger? Boy. I'd take Mr. Hamburger by 
the hand and say, "Pal, I haven't seen you for a long, long time."

Excuse me, el doctor! Hello...? Don't sew anything up thats 
supposed to remain open, ok? [City slickers]

-Mrs.Mark : Babies are never common. Each one is a miracle.
Mrs. Harris: Well I had two of them. I didn't see much that was miraculous 
about either of THEM.

--Yvonne: Where were you last night?
Rick Blaine: That's so long ago, I don't remember.
Yvonne: Will I see you tonight?
Rick Blaine: I never make plans that far ahead. [Casablanca]

-You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a 
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. --
Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for 
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner

-I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat 
it with naked fat people.--Ed Bluestone

-I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave 
Edison

-Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army 
instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 
seventy-five cents.--Billiam Coronel

-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate 
plants.--A. Whitney Brown

-Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can 
find Kuwait.--A. Whitney Brown

-My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and 
threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they 
weren't trying to teach you how to swim."--Paula Poundstone

-Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how 
dogs spend their lives.--Sue Murphy

-Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 
without looking to see wether the seeds move.

-If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

-Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around 
the Sun. 

-Happiness : An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 
another. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 

-Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

-Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.-- Mark 
Twain

-A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife 
will give you for free. 

-"Don't be so humble - you are not that great. " 

-"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster 
than anybody who can write better. " 

-"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them 
except in the form of bread." - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948) 

-"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if 
not, you'll become a philosopher. " - Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 

-"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. " - Ambrose Bierce 
(1842-1914) 

-"It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. " - Oscar 
Wilde (1854-1900) 

-"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. " - 
Lucille S. Harper 

-"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other 
bastard die for his. "- General George Patton (1885-1945) 

-"There is no sincerer love than the love of food. " - George Bernard Shaw 
(1856-1950) 

-"The cynics are right nine times out of ten. " - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-
1956) 

-"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. " - Wilson 
Mizner (1876-1933) 

-Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years 
of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies 
in the history of the world.  -- Dave Barry

-Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet 
reminds you of someone else.  -- Ogden Nash

-That's a good point, Bernard. That's a fully-fledged bastard of a good point.

-Bulldog for sale. Will eat anything. Very fond of children. 

-If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. 
Z is keep your mouth shut.-- Albert Einstein

-As an educational device, TV rates above everything else. No nation in history 
has ever known as much as we do about detergents and deodorants

-To err is human. To forgive is unusual.    

-Trust no one.Only those who you trust can betray you.--Robert Goodkind

- Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.-Ashleigh Brilliant

-"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because 
it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, 
but I have photographs of her." (Ellen DeGeneres) 

-20,000 years from now, when future archaeologists are excavating the remains 
of our civilization, they will undoubtedly conclude that we lived in a 
matriarchal society and worshipped a female deity named 'Barbie'.

-He who laughs last didn't get the joke.    

-Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when 
it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." 

-Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life 
exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." 

-I love animals, they're delicious. 

-The only problem with taking your life in your own hands is that there's no 
one to blame. 

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's 
cool. 

-It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them. 

-Why Worry? There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well or 
you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. But if you are 
sick, there are only two things to worry about: Either you get well, or you 
die. If you get well, there's nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are 
only two things to worry about: Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go 
to heaven, there's nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell You'll be so 
busy shaking hands with friends You won't have time to worry." 

-"A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish remarks than anything else 
in the world." -Edmond and Jules Goncourt 

-A lot of people don't have much to say, and that's fine, the problem with some 
of them is you have to listen a long time tofind out

-"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought 
of." -- Burt Bacharach 

-No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from. - Peanuts 

-Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

-When you have nothing to say, say nothing. --Charles Caleb Colton 

-"Don't judge a book by its movie."

-"Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking."

-I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't 
know. ~ Mark Twain ~

-A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for 
it back when it begins to rain. ~ Robert Frost ~

-I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I 
do strongly object when they start shaking them to make sure they are still 
going. ~ Lord Birkett ~

-The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a 
drink. ~ Fran Leibowitz ~

-"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it's only a minute. But 
when you sit on a hot stove for a minute you think it's two hours. That's 
relativity." - Albert Einstein

-"Old age is when it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night." -
George Burns

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

-You have the right to remain silent... Anything you say will be misquoted, 
then used against you.

-Robert Frost: "Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without 
losing your temper." 

-Ashleigh Brilliant: "I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the 
problem." 
-Mark Twain: "You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of 
focus." 

-"Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was 
erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. 
Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars."-Gravestone 
Inscription

-Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image 
there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe 
laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before 
you do the wash.--Jerry Seinfeld

-Mom and Dad can make the rules, And certain things forbid, But I can make them 
wish that they Had never had a kid. 

-When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not 
yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. 

-A friend is a person that knows everything about you and still likes you. 

-True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable. 

-I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated His ability.  -
Oscar Wilde

-It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to 
save us. -Peter De Vries

-God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. -Voltaire

-How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the 
roller of an electric typewriter? -Woody Allen

-I'm still an atheist, thank God. -Luis Bunuel

-It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe 
there are. -Ovid

-O Lord, if there is a Lord, save my soul, if I have a soul." -Joseph Ernst 
Renan 

-Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. 
Tell him there's a seat with wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to make 
sure. 

Before I came to college I wish I had known... 

- That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd sleep right 
through it.   

- That if you were smart in high school--so what?   

- That chem labs require more time than all my classes put together.   

- That you can know everything and fail a test.   

- That you can know nothing and ace a test.   

- That most of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.   

-That Psychology is really Biology, That Biology is really Chemistry,That 
Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.   

-That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.   

- That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
~ * ~

--I can never enjoy Sundays because, in the back of my mind, I always know I've 
got to go back to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal 
before execution. 

-Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

--I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and New York was the 
only place where my fears were justified.

They say you only use ten percent of your brain, but 
what about the other 76 percent? 

-I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give all 
the wrong answers. 

- To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy  .

-"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." 
-- Mark Twain 

"I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying 
I approved of it." -- Mark Twain 

-"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are 
wonderful." -- Ann Landers 

"...a third myth is that men think that women like guys 
who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too 
much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like 
guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to 
kill us." -- Dennis Miller 

"Maybe this world is another planets hell." -- Aldous Huxley 

-"I'm a nobody; nobody is perfect; therefore I'm perfect." 

-"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I 
disapprove." -- Ashleigh Brilliant 

-"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of 
happiness or have gone stark raving mad." -- Norm Papernick 

-Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? 
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because 
if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot 
live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama [in the 
1994 Miss Universe contest] 

-Some men have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.

-Do you ever wonder why you wonder and then wonder why you wondered why you 
were wondering? 

-He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. 
He really is an idiot." -- Groucho Marx 

-"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty 
equally." -- Nguyen Co Thach, Vietnamese foreign minister 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest 
crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry 

-"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of 
dealing with men." -- Joseph Conrad 

-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be 
amused. 

Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off. 
-If all our wishes came true, we would have no dreams. 

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four 
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three 
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." -- Rita Mae Brown 

-I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose. 

-Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students. 

-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, 
when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their 
shoes. 

-Anger is only one letter short of danger. 

-Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all 
yourself. 

-I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't 
looking good either. 

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't 
spoil me. 

-"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to 
bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg 

-"Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having 
an open mind and having holes in one's head?"- Richard Schultz

-People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles. Frank 
Herbert, Dune.

-The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's 
on. Joseph Heller, Catch22 

-Once upon a time there was a Martian named Valentine Michael Smith. 
Robert A. Heinlein, opening line of Stranger in a Strange Land 

-It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not to 
deserve them. Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) 

-The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists 
in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the 
unreasonable man. George Bernard Shaw 

-Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other 
countries because you were born in it. George Bernard Shaw 

-I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my 
life, the way I want to. Jimi Hendrix 

-The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without 
having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. 
Alan Patrick Herbert 

-Bonner, Amanda: And after you shot him, how did you feel then?
Attinger, Doris: Hungry.

-Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, 
with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious 
Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?  

-Maggie: What's your name?
Sam: Mike.
Maggie: What's your name, Mike?
Sam: Sam.

-Sultan: Have you any famous last words?
Baron Munchausen: Not yet.
Sultan: "Not yet"? Is that famous?

-Charlie: We can't do that!
Rose: How do you know? You never tried it.
Charlie: Well, yeah, but I never tried shooting myself in the head neither.

--Bill is thirty-two. He looks thirty-two. He looked thirty-two five years ago, 
and he'll look thirty-two twenty years from now; I hate men.

--We're talking about money for Christ's sake, we're talking about cards. 
Friendship is friendship and a wonderful thing and I'm all for it. I never said 
different, and you know me on this thing, but let's just keep it separate, OK? 
Let's keep the two apart and we can deal with each other like some human beings.

--Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it 
anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, 
the shit. Here is a man who stood up. (Taxi driver)

--[Clorette has just passed out]
Larry's evil conscience: Fuck her. Fuck her brains out. Suck her tits, squeeze 
her buns. You know she wants it.
Larry's good conscience: For shame! Lawrence, I'm surprised at you!
Larry's evil conscience: Aw, don't listen to that jack-off. Look at those 
gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.
Larry's good conscience: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless 
girl, you'll despise yourself forever. ...I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
Larry's evil conscience: You homo.

Annie Hall: So you wanna go into the movie or what?
Alvy Singer: No, I can't go into a movie that's already started, because I'm 
anal.
Annie Hall: That's a polite word for what you are. [Annie Hall]

-Alvy Singer: I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage 
is being able to make a right turn on a red light. [Annie Hall]

-Barbara Graham :  I never even knew the dame.
Police lieutenant: You know she's been murdered, don't you?
Barbara Graham: Yeah. So was Julius Caesar. I didn't know him either.

--Gaston: How can you read this? There are no pictures in it!
Belle: Well, some people use their imagination.

--Waiter:You see that house? That is where I was born. My mother said to me, 
"Garcon. The world is a beautiful place, and you must spread joy and 
contentment everywhere you go". And so I became a waiter. ...Well, I know it is 
not a great philosophy but... [pauses, looks offended] Well, fuck you! I can 
live my life in my own way if I want to. [begins to walk away in disgust] Fuck 
off! Don't come following me! (Monty Python's The meaning of life)

Daryl Zero: Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for 
something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the 
things in the world, you're only looking for one of them. When you go looking 
for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good. Because of all 
the things in the world, you're sure to find some of them. (Zero effect)

Steve Arlo: There aren't evil guys and innocent guys. It's just.. It's just... 
It's just a bunch of guys. (Zero effect)
Zardoz: The gun is good.
Exterminators: The gun is good.
Zardoz: The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and 
poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots 
death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill! 
(Zardoz)

Stanley White: The first time I saw you, I hated your guts. I think I even 
hated you before I met you. I hated you on TV. I hated you in Vietnam. You want 
to know what's destroying this country? It's not booze. It's not drugs. It's 
TV. It's media. It's people like you. It's vampires. I hate the way you make 
your living sticking microphones in people's faces. You lie every night at 
6:00. I hate the way you kill real feelings. I hate everything that you stand 
for. Most of all, I hate rich kids and I hate this place. So why do I want to 
fuck you so bad? (1937) (Year of dragon)

Judith Wells: A little exercise won't hurt you.
George Macrae: I get all the exercise I need from going to the funerals of my 
athletic friends.

Lulu Riley: Why don't you go out and look for a nice fatal accident?

Rex Shepherd: Oh Goldie, these are humans we're dealing with. You can't tell 
them the truth and expect them to believe it.

William H. Bonney: "Dear Governor Axtell. I've heard that you will give 200 
dollars for my head. Perhaps we should meet and talk. I am at the Juarez 
village at the border. Send 3 men, and instruct them not to shoot, as I am 
unarmed. In short, Sir; I surrender. Your obedient servant William H. Bonney. 
PS: I changed my mind. Kiss my ass!" (Young guns)

Rick Martin: I don't understand a word you're saying, but I love the sound of 
your voice.

[During sex.]
Terri: Is there any chance you could shut the fuck up?

Sonny: I want to know more about you.
Kira: You already know enough about me. Any more and you're going to get a 
headache.
Sonny: Are you living with someone?
Kira: Yes. I told you I live with my sisters.
Sonny: I know. In an apartment on the second floor. All right, then. What's 
your last name?
Kira: Same as my mother's and father's.
Sonny: And what's that?
Kira: Which one, my mother's or my father's?
Sonny: Either!
Kira: The same as mine!
Sonny: I get it. No questions.
Kira: No questions, no lies.
Sonny: No questions, no truth, either.

Jeff: Well! Masturbate in hell! (Full contact)

Railroad boss: So, how do I look?
Assistant: Fat sir...uh I mean...rich...uh...fat with money.

Chris: I don't know why you wanted a room, you spend all of your time outside!

Mr. Blonde: I don't give a good fuck what you know or don't know, I'm going to 
torture you anyway. [Reservoir dogs]

Mr. Brown: O.K., let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about 
this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, 
afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
Mr. Blue: How many dicks is that?
Mr. White: A lot.
Mr. Brown: Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker and it's like, 
whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in the Great Escape, he's 
digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin the serious dick action and she's feeling 
something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain. It hurts her. It shouldn't 
hurt her, you know her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat 
fucks her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain 
is reminding a fuck machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, "Like 
a virgin." [Reservoir dogs]

Mr. Pink: I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. 
That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many 
groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me 
to sign something that says the governemnt shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put 
it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for 
this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 
'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big 
fuckin' surprise. [Reservoir dogs]

[Mr. Pink comes and sees that Mr. Orange is shot in the stomach]
Mr. Pink: Is it bad?
Mr. White: As opposed to good? [Reservoir dogs]

Mr. White: If you get a customer, or an employee, who thinks he's Charles 
Bronson, take the butt of your gun and smash their nose in. [Reservoir dogs]

Mr Brown: Mr. Brown? That sounds too much like Mr. Shit. [Reservoir dogs]

[Mr. White and Mr. Pink are washing up after the robbery went sour, trying to 
figure out what happened]
Mr. Pink: You kill anybody?
Mr. White: A few cops.
Mr. Pink: No real people?
Mr. White: Just cops. [Reservoir dogs]

Ordell: Is she dead, yes or no?
Louis: Pretty much. [Jackie Brown]

Max Cherry: I'll bet, besides maybe an afro, you look exactly how you did at 29.
Jackie Brown: Well, my ass aint the same.
Max Cherry: Bigger?
Jackie Brown: Yeah.
Max Cherry: Aint nothin' wrong with that! [Jackie Brown]

Seth: I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fucking bastard. [From dusk till down]

Richard Gecko: The Ranger's taking a piss. Why don't I just go there, blow his 
head off and get outta here.
Pete Bottoms: Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting 
as natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' 
Academy Award for how natural I'm acting. [From dusk till down]

Ramsey: How do you like that cigar?
Hunter: It's good, sir.
Ramsey: It's your first?
Hunter coughing: Yeah.
Ramsey: Well, don't like it too much. They're more expensive than drugs. 
[Crimson Tide]

Butch: You okay?
Marcellus: No. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay. [Pulp fiction]

Marcellus: No one needs to know about this except you, me and Mr.-about-to-live-
the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain-rapist here. [Pulp fiction]

Mia: Why do we feel it's necessary to yack about bullshit in order to become 
comfortable? [Pulp fiction]

Butch: I think I have a broken rib.
Fabienne: From giving me oral pleasure? [Pulp fiction]
Fabienne: Whose motorcycle is this?
Butch: It's a chopper, baby.
Fabienne: Whose chopper is this?
Butch: It's Zed's.
Fabienne: Who's Zed?
Butch: Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead. [Pulp fiction]

[Winston Wolf takes exception to Vincent's taking exception to his brusque 
manner]
Winston Wolf: So, pretty please - with sugar on top ... clean the fuckin' car! 
[Pulp fiction]

Vincent Vega: Jules, if you give that fuckin' nimrod fifteen hundred dollars, 
I'm gonna shoot him on general principles. [Pulp fiction]

Lee on the phone: Who the fuck is Dick?
Elliot: Huh? You want me to suck his dick? [True romance]

Clarence Worley: If there's one thing this last week has taught me, it's better 
to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it. [True romance]

Clifford Worley: You're Sicilian, ha?
Vincenzo Coccotti: Yeah, Sicilian.
Clifford Worley: Ya know, I read a lot. Especially about things... about 
history. I find that shit fascinating. Here's a fact I don't know whether you 
know or not. Sicilians were spawned by niggers.
Vincenzo Coccotti: Come again?
Clifford Worley: It's a fact. See, Sicilians have black blood pumpin' through 
their hearts. If you don't believe me you can look it up. Hundreds and hundreds 
of years ago, you see, the Moors conquered Sicily. And the Moors are niggers.
Vincenzo Coccotti: Yes...
Clifford Worley: So you see, way back then, Sicilians were like wops from 
northern Italy. They all had blonde hair and blue eyes, but uh, well, then the 
Moors moved in there, and uh, they changed the whole country. They did so much 
fuckin' with Sicilian women that they changed the whole bloodline forever. 
That's why blonde hair and blue eyes became black hair and dark skin. You know, 
it's absolutely amazing to me to think that to this day, hundreds of years 
later, that Sicilians still carry that nigger gene. Now this...
Vincenzo Coccotti: [laughs]
Clifford Worley: No, I'm quoting... history. It's written, it's a fact, it's 
written.
Vincenzo Coccotti: [laughs] I love this guy.
Clifford Worley: Your ancestors are niggers. Yeah, and your great-great-great-
great grandmother fucked a nigger, yeah, and she had a half nigger kid... Now, 
if that's a fact, tell me, am I lying? Cause you, you're part eggplant. 
[True romance]

Nobody: That gun will replace your tongue. You will learn to speak through it. 
And your poetry will be written in blood.[Dead man]

William Blake: What is your name?
Nobody: My name is Nobody.
William Blake: Excuse me?
Nobody: My name is Xamichee, "he who talks loud say nothing."
William Blake: "He who talks..." I thought you said your name was Nobody.
Nobody: I preferred to be called Nobody.[Dead man]

Fergus: Have you ever tried to pick up your teeth with broken fingers? (The 
crying game)

John Henderson: You're running a food museum here. (Mother)

Mac Thompson: Hello, honeybun. Miss me?
Jane Wilson: No, I can always go to the zoo when you're away.
Mac Thompson: Oh, I've got rivals, huh?

Doug: I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be 
judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, 
whether she likes it or not.

Ace Rothstein: Running a casino is like robbing a bank with no cops around. For 
guys like me, Las Vegas washes away your sins. It's like a morality car wash. 
(Casino)

Nicky Santoro: If you don't have my money for me, I'll crack your fucking head 
in front of everyone in the bank. And just about the time I get out of jail, 
hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. But guess what? I'll crack your 
fucking head again! 'Cause I'm fucking stupid! I don't give a fuck about jail! 
That's my business. That's what I do. (Casino)

Jack: You know, I got a black eye once for kissing the bride.
Miss Mills: Why, I thought it was customary to kiss the bride after the 
ceremony.
Jack: Yeah, well, this was two years after.  (Cab waiting)

Nathanial: Oh, cappy, tell me about all of this. tell me about the sea. What 
does it mean to you?
Captain Greybar: Basically, money. I come from six generations of seamen all 
with the same goal in life: catch fish, sell 'em, get drunk, and get laid. 
(Cabin boy)

Nathanial: I love sitting up here, looking at those bright, twinkly things in 
the sky, I forget their technical name.
Trina: Stars.
Nathanial: Whatever. [Cabin boy]

Nathanial Mayweather: I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in 
me, despite my smothering obsessiveness! [Cabin boy]

Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been 
something before electricity. (Caddyshack)

[Joe is trading insults with a photographer]
Joe: You know what you are - you're an ass-half... Takes two of you to make an 
ass-whole.

King Arthur: Merlin told me once never to worry about it if you don't know what 
a woman is thinking. They don't do it that often.

Prudence Honeywood: That's your room. You won't get much of a view I'm afraid.
Alison Smith: You should have seen the view from my room in London.
Prudence Honeywood: Was it a long street with every house a different sort of 
sadness in it?
Alison Smith: It was a long row of back gardens, and the tall, sad houses were 
all the same.
Prudence Honeywood: Ghastly in winter.
Alison Smith: Airless in summer. You seem to know them.
Prudence Honeywood: The only man who ever asked me to marry him wanted me to 
live in a house like that. I'm still a maid.

Gil Kinney: You know, if my foot could talk...
Nestor Pyle: Easy...
Gil Kinney: ...it would say, "May I please go up this geek's ass!"

Joseph Svenden: What can I say. I'm a bad man. But sometimes it is fun to be 
bad. (Carried away)

Major Strasser: Are you one of those people who cannot imagine the Germans in 
their beloved Paris?
Rick Blaine: It's not particularly my beloved Paris.
Heinz: Can you imagine us in London?
Rick Blaine: When you get there, ask me!
Captain Renault: Hmmh! Diplomatist!
Major Strasser: How about New York?
Rick Blaine: Well there are certain sections of New York, Major, that I 
wouldn't advise you to try to invade.(Casablanca)

Captain Louis Renault: What on earth brought you to Casablanca?
Rick Blaine: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Captain Louis Renault: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.
Rick Blaine: I was misinformed. (Casablanca)

Frau Hoffner: Hmmm, it is little Otto. He was one of your mother's lovers. We 
often find him lying around.
Mata Bond: Is he dead?
Frau Hoffner: Hard to tell. He always looked like that.(Casino royale)

Winston Conway: I'm not a moralist, I'm a lawyer. (Cash McCall)

Hackshaw: You don't belive in magic?
Lovecraft: I believe it, just don't use it.
Hackshaw: Why?
Lovecraft: Personal reasons.
Hackshaw: And they are?
Lovecraft: Personal.(Cast a deadly spell)

Jackson Two-Bears: He's a murderer, a hired killer. His nose was bit off in a 
fight.
Frankie Ballou: If I was gonna be scared, I'd be scared of the fella who bit it 
off, not him. (Cat Ballou)

Bert: I went out with a girl once that told me to go jump in the lake... When I 
got back, she was gone. (Caught in the draft)

Sam Cayhall: Save me. Your don't look like you can save a turkey from 
Thanksgiving. (The chamber)

Blacky Gorman: Funny how a good kick in the pants will make a guy's head work. 
(Chance at heaven)

Regina Lampert: Do you know what's wrong with you?
Peter Joshua: No, what?
Regina Lampert: Nothing! (Charade)

Inspector Grandpierre: We use the guillotine in this country. I have always 
imagined that the blade, coming down, causes no more than a slight tickling 
sensation on the back of the neck. It is only a guess, of course. I hope none 
of you ever finds out for certain. (Charade)

Alexander Dyle: Do women find it feminine to be so illogical, or can't they 
help it ? (Charade)

Charlie Chan: If you want wild bird to sing do not put him in cage.(Charlie 
Chan in London)
Charlie Chan: Holiday mood like fickle girl - privileged to change 
mind.(Charlie Chan in Shanghai)

Charlie Chan: Some heads like hard nuts - much better if well cracked. (Charlie 
Chan`s chance)

Charlie Chan: Necessity mother of invention, but sometimes step-mother of 
deception.(Charlie Chan`s secret)

Colonel: Marijuana isn't a drug. Look at what goes on in Vietnam. From the 
general down to the private, they all smoke.
Mme. Thevenot: As a result, once a week they bomb their own troops.
Colonel: If they bomb their own troops, they must have their reasons.(Le charme 
discret de la bourgeoisie)

Alyssa: For you, to fuck is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional 
definition -- you inside some girl you do, jackhammering away, not noticing 
that bored look in her eyes.
Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes. (Chasing Amy)

Escobar: Isn't that your phone number?
Jake Gittes: Is it? I forget. I don't call myself that often.(Chinatown)

Jake Gittes: What makes you certain that your husband is, um, involved with 
someone?
Mrs. Mulwray: A wife can tell.
Jake Gittes: Mrs. Mulwray, do you love your husband?
Mrs. Mulwray: Yes, of course.
Jake Gittes: Then go home and forget everything.(Chinatown)

Evelyn Mulwray: Hollis seems to think you're an innocent man.
Jake Gittes: Well, I've been accused of a lot of things before, Mrs. Mulwray, 
but never that.(Chinatown)

Noah Cross: 'Course I'm respectable. I'm old. Politicians, ugly buildings, and 
whores all get respectable if they last long enough.(Chintown)

Benny: Have...have you ever gone all the way with a girl?
Jack: No. Not quite.
Benny: Would you like to?
Jack: Now?
Benny: No. It wasn't an invitation - just a request for information. (Circle of 
friends)
Burakov: You think that a man is what he says.
Fetisov: He is, if he talks for a living.(Citizen X)

Burakov: A man is what he fights for.
Fetisov: I don't fight for anything.
Burakov: I know. (Citizen X)

Bonnie Rayburn: Listen, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Thank you.
Mitch Robbins: I'm married. (City slickers)

Octavius: Antony is dead? You say that as if it were a everyday occurence. The 
soup is hot, the soup is cold. Antony is alive, Antony is dead. (Cleopatra)

Randal: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. Luke loses his hand and finds out 
Vader is his father. Han is frozen and captured by Boba Fett. It ends on such a 
down note. Just like in real life. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets. 
(Clerks)

Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that 
movie last year ? (Clerks)

Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. 
But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on 
you.(Clerks)

Dante: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean 
that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.(Clerks)

Dante Hicks: My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!
Customer: In a row ?(Clerks)

Randal: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.(Clerks)

Qualen: You want to kill me, don't you, Tucker? Well, get a number and get in 
line.(Cliffhanger)

Eric Qualen: Kill a few people, they call you a murderer. Kill a million and 
you're a conqueror.(Cliffhanger)

For this English exam question:"What is courage?" 
One student received and A for a one-word answer: "This". 

Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men :
-If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks 
he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's 
early films end with a scream and a flush.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs 
and bathe.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk 
into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. 
There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first 
floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he 
wished he could be Cary Grant.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE 
WERE twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively 
fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't 
lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going 
to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" 
and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want 
to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I 
want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look 
great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? 
Must be the lighting."

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women 
have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

~ * ~

-Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

-COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

-C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

-Access denied--nah nah na nah nah nah!

-Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

--... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

-All computers wait at the same speed.

-Black holes are where God divided by zero.

-The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 

-On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" 

-Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't 
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. 

-Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I 
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all 
those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey 

-Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when 
you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! -- Steve Bluestone 

I was looking in the dictionary and decided to look up 
the word "dictionary". Here's what I found:
dictionary, n: YOU'RE HOLDING IT STUPID!!! see stupid
So I decided to look up "stupid" and found:
stupid, adj: NOT YOU AGAIN!!! 

-Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

-I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

If we're not to eat animals, why are they made of meat ?

As long as schools have tests, there will be prayer.

-Never mind the damn whales. Save the people !

Rulez for women to understand about men:
-Men can be late too.
-Don't stand in front of the TV.
-Yelling at traffic does not indicate a need for counseling.
-An almost-clean dish is as good as a clean dish.
-We really do believe that looking at other women is a compliment.
-We read Playboy for the literary content and Hustler for the comics.....and 
we're sticking to it.
-"Yes Dear" only signifies our continued presence in the room,not necessarily 
in the conversation, and certainly not agreement.
-My favorite shirt is not a cleaning rag.
-If I'm on the computer, and it's in the family room, that counts as family 
time.

-If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 

-Pascal: A guy works all day, he don't want to look at his plate and ask, "What 
the fuck is this?" He wants to look at his plate, see a steak, and say "I like 
steak!" [Big night]

-Norris: How do you like your brandy, sir?
Philip Marlowe: In a glass. [The big sleep (1946)]

-Vivian: Why did you have to go on?
Marlowe: Too many people told me to stop. [The big sleep (1946)]

-Gracie: I'd go with you but...
Jack: I know, there's a problem with your face. [Big trouble in Little China]

-Epstein: Why do you think I'm a homosexual?
Eugene: I guess it's because you never talk about girls.
Epstein: I never talk about dogs either. Does that make me a cocker spaniel? 
[Biloxi blues]

-Senator Kevin Keeley: People in this country aren't interested in details. 
They only trust headlines.[Birdcage]

-Cathy Brenner: He's got a client who shot his wife in the head six times. Six 
times, can you imagine it? I mean, even twice would be overdoing it, don't you 
think? [The birds (1963)]

-Blindman: Every night I kneel down and I say my prayers. And every night I ask 
the good lord 'lord-who are my friends?', and you know something? Every night 
he don't answer. [Blindman]

-Victor: There's no such thing as honor among thieves. It's a myth.[Blood and 
wine]

-Vera Johnson: People like you come and go, Carly. You mean just one less 
Christmas card to me.[Blue sky]

-Raymond: Do you want me to pour it Frank?
Frank: No I want you to fuck it. Shit, yes pour the fuckin beer.[Blue velvet]

-[McClane tries to call up police]
Supervisor: Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency 
calls only...
John McClane: No fucking shit, lady! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza? [Die 
hard]

-John Dunbar: The strangeness of this life cannot be measured: in trying to 
bring about my own death, I achieved the status of a living hero. [Dances with 
wolves]

-Vicomte De Valmont: I promised her my eternal love, and I actually thought 
that for a couple of hours. [Dangerous liaisons]

-Marquise De Merteuil: Like most intellectuals, he's intensely stupid. 
[Dangerous liaisons]

-Harry Dalton: I've always been better at feeling out volcanoes than people and 
politics. [Dante's peak]

-Fran Garland: Why didn't you answer the phone?
Danny Haley: There was nobody I wanted to talk to. [Dark city (1950)]

-Psychopath : "If anyone tries to leave, it will be coffee time for Gabriel." 
[Back to Back (1996)
](This is a very good action movie,you have to check it out)

-Bum : "You might not be able to tell from looking at me, but 95 percent of my 
brain has been destroyed." [Back to Back (1996)]

-Dignan: What a lemon! One minute it's running like a top, and the next it's 
broken down on the side of the road. And I can't fix a car like this, because I 
don't have the tools! And even if I did have the tools I don't know if I could 
fix a car like this![Bottle Rocket]

-Corky: You know the difference between me and you, Violet?
Violet: No.
Corky: Me neither. [Bound]

-Miklo Velka: When you expect nothing and get everything, that's destiny.[Bound 
by honor]

-Michael: What's so fucking funny?
Harold: Life. Life's a goddamn laugh riot. [Boys in the band]

-Furious Styles: Any fool with a dick can make a baby, but only a real man can 
raise his children. [Boyz N the hood]

-Phil as Mr. Chuckles: So God was creating man. And his little assistant came 
up to him and he said: "Hey, we've got all these bodies left, but we're right 
out of brains, we're right out of hearts and we're right out of vocal chords." 
And God said: "Fuck it! Sew 'em up anyway. Smack smiles on the faces and make 
them talk out of their arses." And lo, God created the Tory Party. [Brassed off]

-[Reading a doughnut package,]
Amy: If you win this mail-in contest, you can choose between 90,000 dollars, or 
90,000 donuts. What would you do with 90,000 donuts? [Breakdown]

-Major Thomas: The barbarities of war are seldom committed by abnormal men. The 
tragedy of war is that these horrors are committed by normal men in abnormal 
situations. [Breaker Morant]

-Claire Standish: I'm not fat.
John Bender: Well, not at present, but I can see you're really pushing maximum 
density. [Breakfast club]

-Allison Reynolds: Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke, your birthdate's 
March 12th, you're 5'9 and a half, you weigh 130 pounds and your social 
security number is 049380913.
Andrew Clark: Wow! Are you psychic?
Allison Reynolds: No.
Brian Johnson: Well, would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?
Allison Reynolds: I stole your wallet. [Breakfast club]

-Dad: What are we gonna do about him?
Mom: I don't know dear. We could always strangle him while he's asleep. 
[Breaking away]

-Dad: No, I don't feel lucky to be alive! I feel lucky I'm not dead. There's a 
difference. [Breaking away]

-Dr. Vornoff: One is always considered MAD, if one discovers something that 
others cannot grasp! [Bride of the monster]

-Paul Dodson: Without my wife, I'm comparatively alone in the world. Even with 
my wife, I'm comparatively alone in the world. [The bride walks out]

-Robert Kincaid: I dont want to need you, 'cause I can't have you.[The bridges 
of Madison County]

-Blacksmith: Say, don't I know you from some place?
Brant Royle: I've never been there. [Bright leaf]

-Gorbunkov: I'm not a coward. But I'm scared.  [Brilliantovaya ruka]

-Gena: He doesn't drink. How I'm supposed to get him drunk?
Lyolik: As our beloved boss says, even people with ulcer drink if it's free. 
[Brilliantovaya ruka]

-Lyolik: As our boss says, if a person is an idiot, it's for a long time. 
[Brilliantovaya ruka]

-Barry McMullen: I like being a pessimist. It helps me deal with my inevitable 
failure.[The Brothers McMullen]

-Helen Sinclair: Two martinis please, very dry.
David Shane: How'd you know what I drank?
Helen Sinclair: Oh, you want one too? Three.[Bullets Over Broadway]

-Sheldon Flender: Let's say there was a burning building and you could rush in 
and you could save only one thing: either the last known copy of Shakespeares 
plays or some anonymous human being. What would you do? [Bullets Over Broadway]

-Butch Cassidy: What happened to the old bank? It was beautiful!
Guard: People kept robbing it.
Butch Cassidy: Small price to pay for beauty. [Butch Cassidy and The Sundance 
Kid]

-Col. Mustard: How did you know that?
Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?
Col. Mustard: Yes.
Wadsworth: So can I. [Clue]

-Cher: Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being 
naked, and then they think of sex! [Clueless]

-Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization? [Clueless]

-Mel: What the hell is that?
Cher: A dress.
Mel: Says who?
Cher: Calvin Klein. [Clueless]

-Mel: Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt 
anybody would miss you. [Clueless]

-Francesco Dellamorte: I haven't read more than two books in my whole life. One 
I never finished, and the other is the phone book. [Dellamorte 
Dellamore] ( A frightfully funny horror movie,check it out.)

-[Talking about life.]
The Devil: It's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house 
always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun. [Deconstructing Harry]

-Harry Block: The two most important things are the work that you choose and 
sex.[Deconstructing Harry]

-Joe: In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the 
leavee.[Everyone says I love you]

-Bob: I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember 
this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a 
wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him. 
[Everyone says I love you]

-Joe: I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the 
Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier. [Everyone says I love you]


-Linda: Okay, so I had one guy fucking me from behind and two guys dressed as 
cops in my mouth and all I could think was, "I like acting. I wanna study." 
[Mighty Aphrodite ]

-Cassandra: I see disaster. I see catastrophe. Worse, I see lawyers![Mighty 
Aphrodite ]

-Irmy: I slept with one person for money. Does that makes me a whore?
Kleinmann: No, only by the dictionary definition. [Shadows and Fog ]

-Sally: It's the Second Law of Thermodynamics: sooner or later everything turns 
to shit. That's my phrasing, not the Encyclopedia Britannica. [Husbands and 
Wives (1992)]

-Judah Rosenthal: I remember my father telling me, "The eyes of God are on us 
always." The eyes of God. What a phrase to a young boy. What were God's eyes 
like? Unimaginably penetrating, intense eyes, I assumed. And I wonder if it was 
just a coincidence I made my specialty opthamology. [Crimes and Misdemeanors]

-Clifford Stern: While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for 
today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay 
attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what 
life is really gonna be like. [Crimes and Misdemeanors]


-Clifford: I don't know from suicide, y'know. Where I grew up in Brooklyn we 
were too unhappy to commit suicide.[Crimes and Misdemeanors]

-Clifford: The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the statue of 
liberty.[Crimes and Misdemeanors]

-Frederick: If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in His name, He'd never 
stop throwing up. [Hannah and Her Sisters]

-Mickey's Father: How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how 
the can opener works! [Hannah and Her Sisters]

-Mickey: A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store - I bought a rifle! I 
was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. 
The only thing that might-ve stopped me - MIGHT'VE - is that my parents would 
be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt 
and uncle - you know - it would've been a blood bath. [Hannah and Her Sisters]

-[After learning Mickey is infertile.]
Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
Mickey: How could I ruin myself?
Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
Mickey: You gonna start knockin' my hobbies? [Hannah and Her Sisters]

-Maxwell: I'm a doctor and I believe in the spirit world.
Andrew: Oh, you have to, Maxwell, that's where all your patients end up. 
[Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy, A (1982)]

-Andrew: He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient. Got 
a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.[Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy, A 
(1982)]

-Andrew: I'm not a poet. I don't die for love. I work on Wall Street. 
[Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy, A (1982)]

-Ariel: I don't love you.
Maxwell: Because you don't know me. Give me ten minutes, ten lousy minutes. 
[Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy, A (1982)]

-Young Girl: I understand you studied philosophy at school.
Sandy Bates: Uh, no, that's not true. I-I-I did take - I took one course in 
existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final 
... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. 
You know? I left 'em all blank.... I got a hundred. [Stardust Memories]

-Sandy Bates: Um - the, eh, uh ... "I don't know much about classic music. For 
years I thought the Golberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg 
tried on their wedding night." [Stardust Memories]

-Sandy Bates: To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 
[Stardust Memories]

-Isaac Davis: She's 17. I'm 42 and she's 17. I'm older than her father, can you 
believe that? I'm dating a girl, wherein, I can beat up her father. [Manhattan]

-Mother: He'll go and he'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front 
lines.
Boris Dimitrovich Grushenko: Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks. [Love and 
Death]

-Boris: I have no fear of the gallows.
Father: No?
Boris: No. Why should I? They're going to shoot me.[Love and Death]

-Luna Schlosser: Oh, I see. You don't believe in science, and you also don't 
believe, that political systems work, and you don't believe in God, huh?
Miles Monroe: Right.
Luna Schlosser: So, then what do you believe in?
Miles Monroe: Sex and death. Two things that come once in a lifetime. But at 
least after death you are not nauseous. [Sleeper]

-Miles Monroe: My brain! It's my second favorite organ! [Sleeper]

-Allan: I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were 
married, or did she fake it that night? [Play it again, Sam]

-Allan: No, my parents never got divorced, although I begged them to.[Play it 
again, Sam]

-Allan: If that plane leaves the ground, and you're not on it with him, you'll 
regret it - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of 
your life.
Linda: That's beautiful!
Allan: It's from Casablanca; I waited my whole life to say it. [Play it again, 
Sam]

-Allan: I guess the secret's not being you, it's being ME. True, you're not too 
tall and kind of ugly, but what the hell? I'm short enough and ugly enough to 
succeed on my own.
Bogart: Here's looking at you, kid. [Play it again, Sam]

-Virgil: After fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her, and after forty-five 
minutes, I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.[Take the Money 
and Run (1969)]

-Ed: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" 
 Peter:"I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." 

-[After a quarrel]
The wife: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband:"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." 

-Being a schizophrenic means never being alone .

-Do you know how to look younger? Hang around old people. 

-Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. 

-Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with 
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, 
you wish you had ordered that. 

-Helen: He has such an ego that during sex he shouts his own name. 

-I lent $4,000 to a friend of mine to have plastic surgery. Now, I don't know 
what he looks like to collect. 

-It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up 
with the same boss. 

-Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. 

-Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they 
try to decide which one. 

-My parents used to move a lot but I'd always find them.

-The trouble about dating women is that they are the only ones who know if 
you're going to get lucky. 

-We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 

-When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one 
thing: either the car is new or the wife. 

-You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.

-Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

-An optimist is someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.

-It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own 
pockets.

-Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

-Miles Brand: It was said of her grandmother that the only members of the 
cabinet who were not her lovers were those who had reason to believe they were 
her father.[Darling]

-Station Agent: Who's coming after you?
Brett Wade: My past. Every dark, miserable day of it.[Dawn at Socorro (1954)]

-Bri: When the kitten was born, Sheila wanted to call him Dick but I drew the 
line there. Well, I mean standing on the front steps late at night shouting 
"Dick! Dick!", I might have got killed in the rush![Day in the Death of Joe 
Egg, A (1972)]

-Keating: There is a time for daring and a time for caution, and a wise man 
knows which is called for. [Dead Poets Society (1989)]

-John Keating: Why do we need language?
Neil Perry: To communicate...
John Keating: Nooo!! To woo women! [Dead Poets Society (1989)]

-[Quoting Henry David Thoreau.]
Neil: I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to 
live deep and suck out all the marrow of life ... to put to rout all that was 
not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. [Dead 
Poets Society (1989)]

-Harry Callahan: Do you have any kids, lieutenant?
Lt. Ackerman: No.
Harry Callahan: Lucky for them. [Dead pool]

-[Hutcheson looks at a picture of ex-wife Nora's boyfriend]
Ed Hutcheson: I don't like him. I'll think of a reason later. [Deadline-U.S.A.]

-Jenny Lerner: When I was 11, I stole $32 from your wallet.
Jason Lerner: When you were a baby I once dropped you on your head. [Deep 
Impact]

-[Richard gives Bunny a personality test.]
Richard Sumner: Now what is the first thing you notice in a person?
Bunny Watson: Whether the person is male or female. [Desk set]

-Bunny Watson: I don't smoke, I only drink champagne when I'm lucky enough to 
get it, my hair is naturally natural, I live alone...and so do you.
Richard Sumner: How do you know that?
Bunny Watson: Because you're wearing one brown sock and one black sock.[Desk 
set]

-Juliette: Words never say what I'm really saying.[Deux ou trois choses que je 
sais d'elle (1966) ]

-Easy Rawlins: A man once told me that you step out of your door in the 
morning, and you are already in trouble. The only question is are you on top of 
that trouble or not? [Devil in a blue dress]

Mouse: You said don't shoot him, right? Well I didn't; I strangled him. If you 
didn't want me to kill him, why did you leave me alone with him? [Devil in a 
blue dress]

-GUY:  I know how to please a woman.
 GAL:  Then please leave me alone.

-GUY:  I want to give myself to you.
GAL:  Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

-GUY:  May I see you pretty soon?
GAL:  Don't you think I'm pretty now?

-GUY:  Your hair color is fabulous.
GAL:  Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

-GUY:  You look like a dream.
GAL:  Go back to sleep.

-GUY:  Hey, baby, what's your sign?
GAL:  Do not enter or Stop.

-GUY:  I would go to the end of the world for you.
GAL:  Yes, but would you stay there?

-GUY:  Your place or mine?
GAL:  Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

-GUY:  Is this seat empty?
GAL:  Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

-GUY:  What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
GAL:  What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

-GUY:  Haven't I seen you someplace before?
GAL:  Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

-Auto repair service. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 

-Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

-The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 
appreciates how difficult it was. 

-The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average 
man can see better than he can think. 

-At last she admitted she was forty! But she didn't say when.

-Today I'm celebrating an aniversary - I've been broke for seven years.

-This airline is so poor, they show coming attractions of movies that would be 
shown on other airplanes.

-My car never skids, never breaks down, never gets a flat tyre - I only wish I 
could start it.

-I gave her the best jewellery five dollars could buy for Christmas.

-"If a double decker bus crashes into us, to die by your side is such a 
heavenly way to die." The Smiths 

-Famous Last Words: It's perfectly safe. Let me show you. 

-Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in 
trouble again. 

-A man with one watch knows what time it is, a man with two watches is never 
sure...-- Albert Einstein 

-A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 

-Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

-Have you ever heard about that dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all 
night wondering if there is a Dog ?

-Then there's the old one about the dyslexic guy who was depressed and shot his 
twin brother by mistake. When he realized what a horrible thing he had done, he 
ran out and threw himself behind a bus. 

-Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. 

-Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

-Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No. 

-Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, okay? What school do you 
go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral. 

-Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? 

-Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I mostly just lie there. 

-I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 

-Magician: I did a show last week for priests. They didn't pay me, they forgave 
me.

-How old are you? Is that suit the same age? 

-Magician: Ladies and gentlemen I have an enormous trick to show you! I said 
trick.

-Magician: My next trick is a demonstration of mind over matter. If you don't 
mind the 
trick won't matter.

-Live everyday like it's your last! One day you will be right.

-Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

-I don't want to hurt you, but I seem to be too good at that.

-"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart 
enough to know they were impossible." -- Doug Larson

-My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. 

-QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my 
backspace or delete them on my PC? 

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask: 

-The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to 
Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters 
are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the 
creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception." 

- Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a 
tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to 
shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah! 

- The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is 
good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, 
higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard 
will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will 
become upper-case. 

- The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't 
really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's 
all the same. 
~ * ~

-So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my 
temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm 
really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed 
and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Thank you. In 
Jesus name. Amen!

-Make a speech interesting, say: I stand here before you to look behind you to 
tell you of something I know nothing about. 

-"Just because shes naked doesnt mean she's beautiful."

-Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses 
me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You 
haven't worked a day in your life!

-I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues 
that are in all the other museums.

-I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

-Tonight in my dreams I only hope to be dancing with you. 

-Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. 

-Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

-If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

-Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

-Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.

-"God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious 
project." 

-Georges Duhamel: "I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it 
responsible for such an absurd world." 

-George Gallup: "I could prove God statistically." 

-Jules Renard: "I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His 
reputation if He didn't." 

-Dorthy Parker: "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the 
people he gave it to." 

-Jewish proverb: "If God lived on earth, people would break his windows." 

-Mark Twain: "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those 
three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, 
and the prudence never to practice either." 

-John Wayne: 
"I've always followed my father's advice: he told me, first to always keep my 
word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you 
can be goddamn sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around 
looking for trouble." 

-Michael J. Fox, quoted by Lorne A. Adrain in "The Most Important Thing I 
Know": "I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I 
can reach for; perfection is God's business." 

-Peter O'Toole, The Ruling Class: "When did I realize I was God? Well, I was 
praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." 

-"There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous." 

-Tom Waits: "Don't you know there ain't no devil, it's just god when he's 
drunk." 

-John Huston: "I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk." 

-Frank Zappa: "It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, 
then God is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." 

-The Godfather:"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns." 

-Old Mexican proverb: "So far from God, so close to the United States" 

-Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_: "There was no difference between the 
behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance..." 

-Patti Smith: "We need a new cosmology. New Gods. New Sacraments. Another 
drink." 

-Lenny Bruce: "Take away the right to say "fuck" and you take away the right to 
say "fuck the government." 

-Katharine Whitehorn: "The easiest way for your children to learn about money 
is for you not to have any." 

-Bob Hope: "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that 
you don't need it." 

-Arthur Miller: "Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money." 

-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): "Lack of money is the root of all evil." 

-Jackie Mason: "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I 
buy something." 

-M. Somerset Maugham, "Of Human Bondage", 1915: "Money is like a sixth sense 
without which you cannot make a complete use of the other five." 

-Bob Dylan: "What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and 
goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do." 

-Rebecca Johnson, in "Vogue": "Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody 
talks about it, but everybody does something about it." 

-"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." 

-Garry Shandling: "I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone 
to people I don't know." 

-Laurie Anderson: 
"When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's 
always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom!" 

-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950):"Martyrdom is the only way a person can become 
famous without ability." 

-Gordon R. Dickson:"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon 
the wall instead of using it." 

-Bethania McKenstry:"I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've 
noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts." 

-Rudy: Who among us knows the way of the Lord?
Seth: I have a theory. He's a raving psychotic. [Commandments]

-Harry Lucia: I break 5 or 6 commandments every day before lunch.[Commandments]

-Jimmy: What do you play?
Punk: I used to play football in school.
Jimmy: I mean what instrument.
Punk: I don't.
Jimmy: Then what are you doing here?
Punk: Well, the line was so long I thought you were selling drugs.
[Commitments]

-Stanley Matis: You know what's wrong with you people? You're ignorant. You 
don't know anything. But there's hope for you yet. You're all going to die - 
someday. Death makes you smart. You can take a complete idiot and kill him (or 
her) and he knows more than the smartest person alive: he knows what death is. 
So don't worry. Help is on the way. [Complex world]

-Ellie: Dad, do you think there's people on other planets?
Ted: I don't know, Sparks. But I guess I'd say if it is just us... seems like 
an awful waste of space. [Contact]

-Jay Leno: So there's life on other planets. That's sure going to change the 
Miss Universe contest! [Contact]

-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950): 
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point 
than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one." 

-Dave Barry, "$#$##^#!^#&@#@!": 
I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we use it as a 
substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to violence. What we 
ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic, is exchange phone 
numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think of witty and learned 
insults or look them up in the library, we could call each other up: 
You: Hello? Bob?
Bob: Yes? 
You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you took last 
Thursday? Outside of Sears? 
Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 
You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: "Madam, you may be 
drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am 
Winston Churchill and ..." No, wait. (Sound of refer- ence book thudding onto 
the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to have to get back to you. 
Bob: Fine. 

-William Faulkner: 
"It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. 
He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make 
love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work." 

-Jack Handey [Deep thought]: 
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my 
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said 
something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started 
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, 
it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get 
real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of 
justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. 

-Beaumarchis: 
"Drinking without being thirsty and making love at any time, Madame, are the 
only things that distinguish us from other animals." 

-Reporter: "Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?"
 Old man: "That's true." 
 Reporter: "Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?" 
 Old man: "That's true." 
 Reporter: "Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful young 
women?"
 Old man: "That's true." 
 Reporter: "What does your doctor say about all of this?" 
 Old man: "My doctor is dead." 

-results of a survey by Jon Miller at Northern Illinois University: 
"36 percent of the American Public believes that boiling radioactive milk makes 
it safe to drink." 

-Hunter S. Thompson, on the US war against Iraq: 
"Cover a war in a place where you can't drink beer or talk to a woman? Hell 
no!" 

-Dave Barry: 
"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental 
shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." 

-W. C. Fields: "My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, 
a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies." 

-[In a book depository.]
Georgina: Are we safe here?
Michael: Does Albert read? [Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover, The (1989)]

-John Talbot: Heaven does not interest mankind, it is too much like a never 
ending Sunday afternoon. It is Hell that captivates us. [Cormorant, The (1993) 
(TV)]

-Anna: Generally people don't label me a lesbian. They label me nuts. When they 
hear I had a relationship with a woman for five years, and I only slept with 
her twice, they label me nuts. [Costa Brava: A Family Album]

-Lucien Cordier: We've got to laugh in this world, or else we'd shoot 
ourselves. [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-Le Peron: You've got nothing to do around here.
Lucien Cordier: Doing nothing is my job. I'm paid for it.
Le Peron: So go do nothing somewhere else. [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-[Marcel Chevasson is bragging about how he dealt with two offenders.]
Marcel Chevasson: Where do you think they are now?
Lucien Cordier: In jail?
Marcel Chevasson: Someday you'll learn a coffin costs the state less than a man 
in a cell, old chum. [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-Priest: You'll never arrest anybody. How can they respect you? You've got to 
show folks you're brave, honest, and hard-working. Here, hold this.
[Lucien Cordier holds down a statue of Christ while the Priest nails it to a 
cross.]
Lucien Cordier: I can't.
Priest: Why not?
Lucien Cordier: First, because I'm not brave, honest, and hard-working, and 
second, because I don't think my bosses want me to be.
Priest: How come?
Lucien Cordier: If they wanted someone brave, honest, and hard-working, they 
wouldn't have hired me. [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-Lucien Cordier: I do things without thinking. Later I understand. I never plan 
ahead. [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-Lucien Cordier: Better the blind man who pisses out the window than the joker 
who told him it was a urinal. Know who the joker is? It's everybody. [Coup de 
torchon (1981)]

-Lucien Cordier: Do you know the question no one can answer? The big question?
George Le Peron: Go ahead.
Lucien Cordier: When you scratch your balls, is it 'cause they itch, or 'cause 
it feels good? [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-[Rose realizes she is wanted for murder.]
Rose: You have to help me. I can't take it. What can I do?
Lucien Cordier: How the hell do I know? Any idiot can see they were shot with 
your gun.
Rose: But that's horrible!
Lucien Cordier: At first it is horrible. But then you start to think about 
starving kids, little girls sold into slavery, women whose sex is sewn up... 
God created murder out of pure kindness. Murder is nothing compared to those 
horrors. [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-Lucien Cordier: Do you know why dogs sniff each other's butts? When dogs still 
ruled the world, they held a convention to vote new laws. The head dog said: "I 
suggest that due to poor hygiene here, our assholes we leave at the door." The 
dogs agreed and de-assholed. But just then, a tornado blew in and mixed all the 
assholes up. Not one dog recognized his own. Ever since, they smell each 
other's asses. And it'll go on till the end of time. [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-Rose: They say there are a hundred kinds of deaths. I hope yours will be the 
worst. [Coup de torchon (1981)]

-Aunt Sofia: That's not a dress you wear to a wedding. That's a dress you wear 
to a hooker's wedding! [Cousins]

-Wil Andersen: Big mouth don't make a big man. [Cowboys]

-Cal Keegan: "If your computer doesn't multitask, it ain't shit." 

-Elwood Blues: "It wasn't lies. It was just bullshit, that's all." 

-Henry Miller: "When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without 
assholes." 

-"Excuses are like assholes: Everybody has one and they both stink." 

-Jeff Stout: 
"Opinions are like assholes: Everybody has one and nobody wants to look at the 
other guy's." 

-Rev. Shayne: Save your soul, whore!
China: Save your money, shithead! [Crimes of Passion (1984)]

-Wife: Didn't your mother teach you to wash your hands after you went to the 
bathroom?
Bobby Grady: No, she taught me not to piss on my fingers. [Crimes of Passion 
(1984)]

-Girl in bar: You're cute.
Renaldo the Heel: Keep talkin', baby. Maybe you'll tell me something I don't 
already know. [Crimewave]

-Oliver Cromwell: It's an odd thing, Mr. Ireton. Every man who wages war 
believes God is on his side. I'll warrant God should often wonder who is on his.
[Cromwell]

-Bobby: Did you get buttfucked in prison?
John Booth: It only hurts the first time. [The crossing guard]

-Willie Brown: The blues ain't nothin' but a good man feelin' bad, thinkin' 
'bout the woman he used to have. [Crossroads]

-Joseph Stalin: "A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." 

-Woody Allen: "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent 
an evening with an insurance salesman?" 

-Chris Rapier: 
"I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me." 

-Confucius, The Confucian Analects, bk. 11:11: 
"While you are not able to serve men, how can you serve spirits [of the 
dead]?...While you do not know life, how can you know about death?" 

-John Wayne: "Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway." 

-Froude: "Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the 
torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself." 

-Darlene LaVonne: You drinkin' that stuff so early?
Delong: Listen, doll girl, when you drink as much as I do, you gotta start 
early. [Cry danger]

-Michael Chamberlain: I don't think a lot of people realise how important 
innocence is to innocent people. [A cry in the dark]

-[Looking at a Playboy magazine]
Dexter: This doesn't look like my mom.
Eric: These aren't moms. These are women. This is what they're supposed to look 
like. [The cure(1995)]

-Dexter: This is stupid.
Eric: Yeah? Well, about twenty years ago there was this guy. He noticed some 
mold growing on his bread and he started feeding it to people. Everybody said 
he was stupid. You know what it turned out to be? Aspirin. [The cure]

-Gabe: He's bigger than you are, stronger, younger, but you are black.
Roy: What's that supposed to mean?
Gabe: I'm just trying to motivate you, you know, it's a Roots kind of thing.
Roy: Well, you are shit at motivation. [Diggstown]

-Timothy Fenwick, Jr.: All I did was I parked the car on a nice lonely road, I 
looked at her, and I said "fuck or fight." [Diner(1982)]

-Dolores: Sing to me!
Willy Nilly: How about "One Hour with You"?
Dolores: Sure! But first - sing to me! [Diplomaniacs]

-Johnny: No, I mean the way he saved her. I mean, I... I could never do 
anything like that. That was somethin'. The reason people treat me like I'm 
nothin' is 'cause I'm nothin'. [Dirty dancing]

-Baby Houseman: Me? I'm scared of everything! I'm scared of what I saw, I'm 
scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of 
this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm 
with you! [Dirty dancing]

-Leslie: You're much too nice to turn me out.
Logan: Nice! My dear young lady, you don't know me. The trouble with me is that 
I'm weak. A charming young girl like you can put anything over on me in five 
minutes. But at least I know my weakness, so I force myself to be rude. 
Sometimes even brutal!
[Leslie starts backing Logan into a corner]
Leslie: You do like talking about yourself, don't you?
Logan: Why... yes... most men do. But at least they know the truth about 
themselves. Women don't. They only know the truth about each other. [The 
divorce of Lady X]

-Logan: We have ample opportunities in this court for learning what women mean, 
or what they mean they mean if in these days they mean anything at all. [The 
divorce of Lady X]

-Logan: Modern woman has no loyalty, decency, or justice; no endurance, 
reticence, or self-control; no affection, fine feelings, or mercy. In short, 
she is unprincipled, relentless, and exacting; idle, unproductive, and tedious; 
unimaginative, humorless, and vain; vindictive, undignified, and weak. And the 
sooner man takes out his whip again, the better for sanity and progress. [The 
divorce of Lady X]

-[Harry Callahan has to explain why he shot a man]
Harry Callahan: Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to 
commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy.
The Mayor: Intent? How did you establish that?
Harry Callahan: When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's 
knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross! [Dirty 
Harry]

-Tina: Trust you? The last time I trusted you, Mookie, I ended up with a son. 
[Do the right thing]

-Mookie: You know, fuck you and fuck Frank Sinatra.
Pino: Fuck you too and fuck Michael Jackson. [Do the right thing]

-Charlie Chan: He who takes whatever gods send with smile has learned life's 
hardest lesson. I, personally, find it difficult to achieve that smile. [Docks 
of New Orleans (1948)]

-Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Rose: Yes, goddammit. I'm going to have the fucking poached salmon, with the 
son-of-a-bitching rice, and a dirty bastard salad with a shitload of Roquefort 
dressing. Thank you. And um, who knows what this asshole wants.
Eddie Birdlace: Uh, I'll just take a fucking beer. [Dogfight]

-Dolores Claiborne: If you say you're sorry one more time, I'll get your butt 
up so high you'll look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. [Dolores Claiborne]

-Vera Donovan: Sometimes an accident can be an unhappy woman's best friend. 
[Dolores Claiborne]

-Dashiki: Now kids, what do we say to a man that Mommy just met?
Kids: Are you my daddy? [Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your 
Juice in the Hood (1996)]

-Penn: We believe violence is exciting in entertainment. In American, we have 
the First Amendment; there are no censors. But there are anti-violence 
censorship letter-writers. They want to make sure you'll never see anything 
that they wouldn't want to see. They say that if we had nothing on TV but shows 
like thirtysomething and Growing Pains all the world problems would be worked 
out in an adult, peaceful manner. They don't understand EVERYTHING's fake on 
TV. Homer Simpson doesn't work in a nuclear power plant! Homer Simpson is just 
an actor! [Don't Try This at Home! (1990) (TV)]

-Jim Morrison: Actually I don't remember being born, It must have happened 
during one of my black outs. [The doors]

-Johnny Dalton: And if we did get married, how would we manage? I have nothing. 
How would we live?
Mildred 'Mibs' Goodhug: I'm sure something would come along.
Johnny Dalton: Yeah. And we'd have to feed that too.  [Double dynamite (1951)]

-Poole: You should go out, sir. London offers many amusements for a gentlemen 
like you, sir.
Dr. Jekyll: Yes, but gentlemen like me daren't take advantage of them, Poole. 
Gentlemen like me have to be very careful of what we do or say. [Dr. Jekyll and 
Mr. Hyde (1931)]
 
-Mr. Hyde: Perhaps you prefer a gentleman. One of those fine-mannered and 
honorable gentlemen. Those panting hypocrites who like your legs but talk about 
your garters. [Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)]

-Nurse Molly Byrd: Nurses are just like husbands. You can abuse them, insult 
them, work 'em to death, jump all over 'em. They'll take it. But give 'em a bad 
cup of coffee and you got a revolution on your hands. [Dr.Kildare's strange 
case]

-Ray: Can I come up, I mean just for five minutes?
Lena: It wouldn't take five minutes. [Dreamlover]

-[Jack McDermott sits nude in his room and drinks red wine.]
Jack McDermott: This is the blood of our savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. And a 
damned fine beaujolais! [The dream team]

-Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he 
leave you any money? Answer the second question first. [The duck soup]

-Rufus T. Firefly: We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is more than 
she ever did. [The duck soup]

-Gabriel Feraud: I knew a man who was stabbed to death by a woman; gave him the 
surprise of his life.
Laura: I once knew a woman who was beaten to death by a man. I don't think it 
surprised *her* at all. [The duellists]

-Mrs. Dubrow: I like psychotic people. They get things done. [Dunston checks in]

-Lord Rutledge: From the look of my soup I'd say someone in your kitchen has a 
serious hair loss problem. [Dunston checks in]

-Criswell: Eddie, we're in show biz. It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearences. 
If you look good, and you talk well, people will swallow anything. [Ed Wood]

-Eddie Brodsky: Four women in the same elevator! I haven't been with four women 
in the same time zone. [Ed's next move]

-Charles Morse: You know, I once read an interesting book which said that, uh, 
most people lost in the wilds, they, they die of shame.
Stephen: What?
Charles Morse: Yeah, see, they die of shame. "What did I do wrong? How could I 
have gotten myself into this?" And so they sit there and they... die. Because 
they didn't do the one thing that would save their lives.
Robert Green: And what is that, Charles?
Charles Morse: Thinking. [The edge]

-Charles Morse: Never feel sorry for a man who owns a plane. [The edge]

-John Wintergreen: I'm gonna do for you, in six weeks, what it took someone six 
months to do for me: nothin'.  [Electra Glide in Blue]

-John Wintergreen: I need you to give me some information.
Pig Man: I'll give you some information. You're standing in pigshit.  [Electra 
Glide in Blue]

-Man: Hey! Hey, Hallie, Hallie Martin! We met in New York, remember?
Hallie Martin: Did we like each other? [The electric horseman]

-Ampco Industries PR Man: Grace, why don't you stand in front of that poster 
with Sonny, and Steve can take your picture to bring home.
Sonny Steele: Oh, no, why don't you just take a picture of Grace in front of 
that picture of me with that box with the picture of me on the box holding the 
picture of me with the picture of me? Then you've got Grace, and you've got a 
whole bunch of pictures of me. [The electric horseman]

-Elvira: Bloody Mary.
Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
Elivra: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first. [Elvira, Mistress 
of the dark]

-Mr. Knightley: I rode through the rain! I'd - I'd ride through worse than that 
if I could just hear your voice telling me that I might, at least, have some 
chance to win you. [Emma]

-Emma: The most incomprehensible thing in the world to a man is a woman who 
rejects his offer of marriage.[Emma]

-Emma Woodhouse: Thank you for being so thoughtful.
Rev. Elton: Thank you for thinking I'm thoughtful. [Emma]

-Maxton: I heard you resigned from the Scouts.
Jim: I've become an atheist. [Empire of the sun]

-Mike Max: Perversely. That's one thing I think I can define now. It's when 
things are upside down and you start to like 'em that way. [The end of violence]

-Almsy: I fear Madox knows about us, he keeps mentioning Anna Karenina. [The 
english patient]

-Almsy: I once traveled with a guide who was taking me to Faya. He didn't 
speak for nine hours. At the end of it he pointed to the horizon and said, 
"Faya!" That was a good day. [The english patient]

-Bob Hauk: Remember, once you're inside you're on your own.
S.D. "Snake" Plissken: Oh, you mean I can't count on you?
Bob Hauk: No.
S.D. "Snake" Plissken: Good!
[Escape from New York]

-Bob Hauk: It's the survival of the human race, Plissken. Something you don't 
give a shit about. [Escape from New York]

-Apollo: Sports make you grunt and smell. Stay in school, use your brains. Be a 
thinker, not a stinker. [Rocky]

-Rocky: I see three of him out there.
Paulie: Hit the one in the middle. [Rocky IV]

-Alvy Singer: Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love. 
[Annie Hall]