Hi! My name is Elton John. I think Candle in the Wind is the song that means most to my fans. This is because I sang it very tearfully at a celebrity funeral and then appeared in Hello! with my poshest piano and my new hair. |
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Crypt
of Celebrity
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Perves Lives! It's been a good week for Peter Perves (left), former Blue Peter presenter and star of.. nothing else. He says, "After ten years of psychiatric help, I've now fully come to terms with my epic career failure. I did have dreams of Hollywood but I'm now over that. At least I'm not one of those sad, cringe-making knob-cheese TV whores who prop up a flagging profile by pretending to care for animals. You know exactly who I mean, cobbers." To right we do, Peter.
FUTURE
SHOCK Future
Publishing is to begin collecting dead birds. This
unhygienic pass-time, normally associated with tramps and idiots,
is to be taken up by the media group which normally expends most of
it's time and energy producing gaudy magazines
for tossers. Future aims to collect at least twelve dead birds before
2001 and say's if it fails to reach it's target it will launch another
tasteless computer rag. RSPCA officials worry Future may mistakenly
collect live birds like sparrows and emus since these can often appear
dead when really they are only sleeping. TV Star Bob Monkhouse was in
no way involved. |
The Purple
Prince Pop
start prince has announced his new colour is yellow. The shock change
in hue was seemingly inspired by a lover becoming jaundiced. "My
album Purple Rain will now be called Golden Shower," he squeaked
to his Staines based PR team, "and the song Raspberry Beret will
from now on be called Banana Balaclava." Staying with musicians.. Terry Waite, the former radiator-hugging Beirut hostage, is currently recording an new album of self-penned songs to be entitled Measure My Holiness (By The Extensity of my Beard). It's his third 'Beard' album since his release. A previously unheard snippet from the first and now legendary Lambeth Palace sessions can be heard by clicking here.
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Sesame
Street Fighters Like
Prince they're both yellow, they're both loved by kids but only one
will survive the week.Children everywhere will be horrified to learn
that Laa Laa and Big Bird are to fight to the death because of a petty
disagreement in a bar..
How often do you
get to see a top Shakespearean actor clubbing seals to death with
a stick? Not very
often unless you happen to hang about with Sir John Gielgud, star
of Arthur II. Sir John likes nothing better than to spend a Sunday
afternoon strolling on the beach near his house with a blunt instrument.
He says, "I love to see them flapping about in their own blood,
looking up at you with those sad eyes as they cough up bits of fish
and spinal column."
Prince Philip used to kill seals as a younger man too but nowadays likes nothing better than to electrocute moles using two spoons and a car battery. |
Famous
People Who Are Scared of Rocks.. Seems
mad but many of our favourite stars are petrified of rocks. Bruce Forthsythe
and his wife Agnes have been scared of rocks ever since they were pelted
with them whilst on a shopping trip in Chiswick. "They give me
the willies," says Bruce, "Especially those big ones with
nasty insects crawling around underneath."
Next Week: Celebrities who are scared of certain types of metal |
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Hi! I'm Zoe Ball. I recently took over the fantastic Radio 1 Breakfast Show. Despite saying the word "Fantastic!" every thirteen seconds, listeners are still leaving by the thousands. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. My fantastic producer says I should use the word "Fantastic!" every six seconds to see if that makes any difference. So why not tune in tomorrow? It'll be fantastic.
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