hare

F..My name is Mr Hare and I'd like to talk to you about personal hygiene. Every morning I wake up and don't bother to wash. Then I do a little poo-poo and still I don't bother to clean. I play in the dirt and eat grubby leaves covered with disease and bacteria and then I make a point of not even brushing my teeth. Then I run about on the motorway wearing a dirty old raincoat and flat hat. The flat hat is designed to attract lorries. Well, I seem to have gone off the point a bit. Not to worry, it was a pile of old sh(CENSORED)anyway.

The UK's Leading authority on personal hygiene.

Mr P. Hare
clean up your act

And now..
..your Hygiene Questions answered by Mr Hare

Steve Tredge, Nunshagger Farm, Cambodia. W12.

Q. If I don't wash my armpits for several months, will this make me any less of a man?

Mr Hare: Whatever gave you that idea? Many of my closest male friends have unwashed recesses. Being a man, or a hare, has nothing to do with the state of your armpits, it has to do with courage, conviction and not being one of those perfumed nancy boys you see on the TV doing cookery in their bleedin' spotless kitchens. Don't let other men bully you, Richard.

Dr Trudy Schroder, Flourmill Ridge, North East Egypt.

Q. I'm a respected heart surgeon but I hate having to scrub up before I perform surgery. Is there really any need for my hands to be all that clean before I slice people open?

Mr Hare: Cleanliness starts on the inside! If you have a clean mind, you're a clean person as far as I'm concerned. You could be covered from head to toe in Badger excrement and it wouldn't matter, so long as you had no thoughts of sexual perversity closeted away at back of your brain. Thoughts of the flesh or inclinations to commit gross acts of gayness are what make a man filthy. If you carried on like those chaps on Ready Steady Cook you'd be counted amongst the dirtiest things around.

Roger Tescobreath, Braintree, Essex.

Q. I'm a big fan of yours and I was just wondering what the 'P' stands for in your title 'Mr P Hare'?

Mr Hare: The 'P' stands for.. Well it stands for.. Oh it's not really important. Pay no attention to it. Let's not queer around now. Next question?

Roger Tescobreath, Braintree, Essex.

Q. Come on. What's the 'P' stand for, Mr Hare? We all really want to know.

Mr Hare: It stands for.. For.. It's stands for Public. There, now, let's have the next question please..

Mr Jack Risbeck, Washington, USA.

Q. What? You're saying your full name is Public Hare?

Mr Hare: Yes. Now that's all for this week. Good-bye everybody. See you next time.

The Edge, U2, Ireland.

Q. You're called Public Hare? I have to say that's even more stupid than my own name.

Mr Hare: Oh shut it, you nasty little nonce!