Jokes Two vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire sits down and orders a Blood-Mary. The second vampire sits down and orders a cup of boiling water. So the first vampire turns to the second and goes: "Hey stupid, what's with the cup of boiling water?" So the second vampire pulls out a used tampon and goes,"I'm making tea?" "Doc," the concerned woman said, "I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance' thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?" "Medically, no," he replied, "but here's a suggestion: On your wedding night, when your getting ready for bed, slide on an elastic band around your upper thigh. When your husband enters you, snap the band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." After the ceremony, the newlyweds retired to the honeymoon suite. The new bride undressed in the bathroom, slipped the elastic band on her upper thigh and climbed into bed. They began to make love, and when her husband entered her, she snapped the band. "What the hell was that?" the startled fellow asked. "Oh, that was just my virginity snapping, honey," she replied. "Well snap it again," he groaned. "It's got my balls!" A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into the watermelon patch at night to eat their fill. After some thought, he made a sign that said: WARNING! ONE OF THE WATERMELONS IN THIS FIELD HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE. He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. A week later the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction no watermelons were missing, but a sign next his read: NOW THERE ARE TWO! Q: What do you call a woman who just lost 95% of her intelligence? A: Single Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics? A: Because men keep telling them that this <-------------> is 12 inches. Q: What do women and condoms have in common? A: They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Mary was on her deathbed, with her husband, Sam, at her side. He held her cold hand as tears streamed down his face. "Sam," she said weakly. "Hush, dear." "Sam," she whispered, "I have something to confess." "There's nothing to confess," Sam soothed. "It's alright. Everything is alright." "No, No, I must die in peace," Mary insisted. "I must confess, Sam, that I have been unfaithful to you." Sam stroked her hand. "Now, Mary, don't be concerned. I know all about it." "You do?" she gasped. "Of course, dear. Why else would I poison you?" Bob met a young woman at a night club and after a few drinks she invited him back to her place for the night. She led him into her bedroom, where he saw fluffy toys everywhere-on top of the wardrobe, on the bookshelf and windowsill, on the floor and all over the bed. Undaunted, Bob made his move and things turned passionate fast. When they were done, Bob rolled over and lit a cigarette. "So," he asked, "how was I?" "Well," she replied, "let me put it this way: You can take anything from the bottom shelf." Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six" despite her continual objections. One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His irritated wife hollered back, "Anytime your ready, Father of Four!" A SHORT GUIDE TO MALESPEAK: "I'm romantic." = "I'm Poor." "I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of jerking off." "I've got something important to tell you." = "Get tested." "I've been thinking a lot." = "Your not as attractive as you were when I was drunk." "You know I really like you but..." = "Next!"