The Rock's Titanic Written: January 1999 ROSE: Oh yes, Titanic was truly the ship of dreams. Well, except for the third class passengers. I guess Titanic was the ship of wet dreams for them. I was forced into engagement by an evil, rich white man. That's not what I wanted. My love belonged to an evil, rich half-black, half Samoan man. (Flashback to when Titanic set out) ROCK: Out of the Rock's way jabronie! The Rock is the best damn king of the world there ever was. Where the hell is Vince? He sends the Rock out to roody-poo jolly old England and doesn't buy the Rock a damn plane ticket! Oh wait, planes haven't been invented yet and Vince hasn't been born yet either. What the hell is the Rock thinking? (Rose runs out to kill herself) ROCK: Hold on there, jabroness! If you jump off the ship the Rock is going to have to find a floatation device to throw at you and probably get his $500 shirt dirty in the process. The Rock can see that your not a stupid piece of trash. It would be a shame to waste you and the $500 shirt. Let the Rock put down his microphone and pull your candy-ass back over the rail. ROSE: That's a $500 shirt? Does the Rock happen to be half black and half Samoan? ROCK: All you need to know is that the Rock's father can dunk a basketball and his mother can eat one if you smell what the Rock is cooking. (At dinner after saving Rose) ROCK: There's no better way to sell outthan with a beautiful white girl on the Rock's left arm and a big, fat pig on his right. ROSE: Why don't we go to third class with our expensive clothes and make the jabronies jealous? ROCK: It wouldn't be the first time that the Rock performed in front of a bunch of trailer park trash. Hey pig, there's the buffet! Why don't you go lay the smack down on it's all-you-can-eat ass? (Third class area) ROCK: You dance like one of these clapping jabronies. You have to put your elbow into it like the Rock. Now watch the Rock do the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today! ROSE: What's sports entertainment? ROCK: It's a nice way of saying pro-wrestling. It's like saying mentally challenged instead of retarded if you smell what the Rock is cooking! (on front deck standing on the rail.) ROSE: When I extend my arms, I feel like I'm flying. Try it, Rock. ROCK: Oh the Rock's extended. ROSE: Watch it with that! You'll send me over the rail! ROCK: The Rock is just defending the ship by jousting any on-coming icebergs. (Later that night) EVIL, RICH WHITE GUY: I'm looking for the man with the corperate eyebrow! Set up the ring and get my tights! It's time to..um..how does he say? Oh yes, lay the smack down! (In Rose's room) ROSE: Your drawings of the Godfather's hoes are beautiful. I can't believe they let you watch them do that to a midget. Draw me, Rock. ROCK: The Rock reluctantly accepts your invitation to get naked. But keep your legs together. The Rock doesn't want to smell what your douching! (While drawing her) ROSE: I'm suprised your not blushing. ROCK: The Rock has seen plenty of white women before. That comes with the territory when your a national champion at Miami. Besides all of the Rock's blood isin his corperate crotch right now. (After drawing her) ROCK: Not only is the Rock taking Leonardo Di,damn, Caprio's livelyhood but he's pissing all over Leonardo Di,damn, Vinci's grave with this materpiece. The Rock has been charming your candy-ass all day. The Rock Rolex says it's time for Rose to spread. (At climax and after sex) ROCK: BBWWWAAAHHHHHH! The Rock knows your hole! ROSE: I thought you said it was a corperate crotch. That was more like a Mom and Pop owned business crotch. ROCK: The Rock is glad he didn't hear that. (Looking at the floor seconds later) ROCK: Damn, the Rock thinks he blew a hole in the hull! GUY SEVERAL DECKS DOWN: The ship is going down! Go ask the captain if I still have to clean up all the piss and puke that the Irish left. (On deck) ROSE: The ship is sinkng and there aren't enough boats for the trailer park trash! ROCK: Your monkey-ass told the Rock to pull out! ROSE: What are we going to do? EVIL, RICH WHITE GUY: Rock, because of your actions this ship will sink. We would have been a great team had you not banged my fiance'. ROSE: How do you know about that? EVIL, RICH WHITE GUY: I saw the drawing! It said, "Do me, Rock." I can't let that happen, even if you do ask for it on paper. Since the Rock took something away from me, I'm going to take something away from him. Rock I challeng you for the WWF World Title. I'll even put my worthless WCW WORLD Title on the line. Do you accept or do I have to expose the secret compartment of lifeboats that can save every person on this ship? ROCK: Then the Rock has no choice. Where's the ring? EVIL, RICH WHITE GUY: In third class with all the bums. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler will do the announcing. The Oddities will face Too Much in the undercard. There's no Insane Clown Posse which is unfortunate since I would have used my influence to make sure they went down with the ship. ROCK: Michael Cole? That worthless piece of monkey crap is announcing the Rock's match? (At the show) MICHAEL COLE: Welcome to In Your House: Wet Dreams! (Rock grabs the mic) ROCK: Shut up you worthless piece of trash! Go die somewhere else, away from the Rock. Whitey, there's only one man...and the Rock means one man that's the WWF champ and your looking at him. Now you better check yourself into the SmackDown Hotel because the Rock is about to kick your roody-poo candy-ass, if ya smellll..what the Rock...is cooking! (Match starts) MICHAEL COLE: Remember kids have fun with Bop-It! JERRY LAWLER: Hold that thought! The match has started! MICHAEL COLE: Everybody knows that Whitey ended Ric Flair's 45th World titlereign with his deadly Five Knuckle Shuffle Anklelock. The Rock has to watch out for that move. JERRY LAWLER: You know, I don't like the Rock's motives. He's fighting so that all these people will never find out about those extra lifboats! MICHAEL COLE: Yeah but the Rock is a fighting champion that never backs down from a challenge. JERRY LAWLER: Oh yeah, and he's doing it to get some ass too! MICHAEL COLE: OH NO!!!! There's the Five Knuckle Shuffle Anklelock! JERRY LAWLER: The Rock will never get off the ship like this! Wait...Earl Hebner is calling for the break. MICHAEL COLE: The Rock slams Whitey! JERRY LAWLER: OH NO!!!! Whitey's hat fell off! AAHHH!! MICHAEL COLE: The Rock is going for the Corperate Elbow!!! The crowd is on their feet!!! JERRY LAWLER: NO!! MICHAEL COLE: The Rock gave the Corperate Elbow to the hat! JERRY LAWLER: He can't do that!! Can he?! MICHAEL COLE: The Rock is waiving somebody out! I can't see who it is! JERRY LAWLER: It's trailer park trash!! MICHAEL COLE: It's DOA!! They want to know where the extra lifeboats are! There's a punch and another and another! JERRY LAWLER: Is that all they can do?! MICHAEL COLE: And another and another! WHOA!!!! A kick! They did a kick! I don't believe it! JERRY LAWLER: The fans are fleeing!! DOA bored them away! A DOA match is too much for any human being to take! I'm outta here! By the way fans, use Castrol GTX to..oh to hell with it! Hey guys wait for me!! (Back on deck) ROCK: The Rock hopes your mother gets off this ship safely. ROSE: Oh Rock, that's so sweet. ROCK: She's holding the Rock's $500 shirt for him. If it gets wetthis whole event will go down as one huge disaster! ROSE: I don't see any lifeboats! ROCK: The Rock is starting to regret calling out those two jabronies for help! ROSE: I bet you also regret slapping Michael Cole before he drowned below, huh? ROCK: The Rock never said that! The Rock had to do that for the millions...and millions of the Rock's fans! (After running to the back of the ship) ROSE: Rock, This is where we first met! ROCK: What?? Know your role and shut your mouth! Run your roody-poo candy-ass to that lifeboat! (After both get in the boat) ROCK: Let go of the Rock's railing! You're swamping the boat you damn jabronies! (Rock kicks people into the water) (Boat flips over and Rock & Rose fall into the water) ROCK: The,the Rock,k,k says this w,water is c,cold!!! ROSE: Don't leave me, Rock! I'll never let go! ROCK: Why don't you get your ass off the raft and let the Rock float a while?! ROSE: Hell no! Find your own piece of wood you piece of trash! ROCK: The Rock says h,he's g,g,going to hit Rock B,b,bottom. (Rock sinks into the ocean) (After the rescue) NAMETAKER: What is your name miss? ROSE: Rose...Rose Maivia. NAMETAKER: What's that? ROSE: Oh, it's a 129 karot diamond that's worth millions. NAMETAKER: Are you going to sell it? ROSE: No, I'm going to keep it and have to bust my ass at work everyday of my life. Then when I'm 100 years old, I'll throw it in the ocean so my kids and grandkids will have to do the same. NAMETAKER: You didn't have to be sarcastic. (After Rose dies) ROCK: What the hell? Oh yeah, the old skank is dreaming about the Rock. Thanks for not appearing in your current state or the Rock would have to slap the wrinkles off your monkey-ass! Now let the Rock get out of here you stupid piece of trash! THE END!