DUMPWEED It's understood, I said it many ways Too scared to run, I'm too scared to stay I said I'd leave, I could never leave her And if I did, you know I'd never cheat her But this I ask, it's what I want to know How would you feel, if I should choose to go Another guy, you think it'd be unlikely Another guy, you think he'd wanna fight me She's a dove, she's a f*cking nightmare Unpredictable, it was my mistake to stay here On the go, it's way too late to play I need a girl that I can train I heard it once, I'm sure I heard it twice My dad used to give me all of his advice He would say "you gotta turn your back and run now Come on, son, you haven't got a chance now" She's a dove, she's a f*cking nightmare Unpredictable, it was my mistake to stay here On the go and it's way too late to play I need a girl that I can train She's a dove, she's a f*cking nightmare Unpredictable, it was my mistake to stay here On the go and it's way too late to play I need a girl that I can train Need a girl that I can train Need a girl that I can train Turn your back and run now You haven't got a chance now Need a girl that I can train Need a girl that I can train Turn your back and run now You haven't got a chance now Tom: Wow! I'm f*ckin in the mood... to party! Mark: Hey alright! Tom: We're f*ckin alright! Tom: Hey, you know what we're gonna do tonight? Tom: A whole lotta f*ckin Mark: We're all gonna get laid Mark: This song's about my herpes, it's called don't leave me, goes like this DON'T LEAVE ME Don't leave me all alone Just drop me off at home I'll be fine, it's not the first Just like last time, but a little worse And she said that I'm not the one that she thinks about and She said I stopped being fun, I just bring her down I said "don't let your future be destroyed by my past" She said "don't let my door hit your *ss" F*ck Ya! Just Give Me One more chance, I'll try this time I'll give you yours, I won't take mine I'll listen up, pretend to care Go on ahead, I'll meet you there And she said that I'm not the one that she thinks about and She said I stopped being fun, I just bring her down I said "don't let your future be destroyed by my past" She said "don't let my door hit your *ss" Bass Solo! Let's try this one more time with feeling One more time with feeling One more time with feeling One more time with feeling She said that I'm not the one that she thinks about and She said I stopped being fun, I just bring her down I said "don't let your future be destroyed by my past" She said "don't let my door hit your *ss" Don't leave me all alone Just drop me off at home And I'll be fine You will be fine you f*cking *sshole! Wow! Tom: (Burp!) Excuse me Mark: Thank you Tom: Hey Mark, we have a very special person here that wants to say hi Tom: You guys, this is Satan Tom As Satan: Hello kids, if you guys would take off your pants, then maybe I'd be a little more happy I wanna have fun with you, but I'm gonna have to see your dick... Though I have to go away now... coz there's another song... and I've got a bone*r Do you guys mind if I get a bone*r kids? ALIENS EXIST Hey mom, there's something in the backroom Hope it's not the creatures from above You used to read me stories, as if my dreams were boring We all know conspiracies are dumb What if people knew that these were real I'd leave my closet door open all night I know the CIA would say "what you hear is all hearsay" Wish someone would tell me what was right Up all night long And there's something very wrong And I know it must be late Been gone since yesterday I'm not like you guys I'm not like you I am still the skeptic, yes, you know me (you know me) Been best friends and will be till we die (die) I got an injection of love from the erection My best friend thinks I'm just h*mping guys, alright Up all night long And there's something very wrong And I know it must be late Been gone since yesterday I'm not like you guys I'm not like you Dark and scary, ordinary Explanation, information Nice to know ya, paranoia Where's my mother, biofather Up all night long And there's something very wrong And I know it must be late Been gone since yesterday I'm not like you guys Twelve majestic lies Tom has s*x with guys Tom: Hey Mark! Who here thinks that I look very similar to Tom Cruise? Thank you Mark: Yea, like Tom Cruise in that movie 'Born on the fourth of July' that one? Where he's handicapped and retarded and stupid and nobody likes him And he just sh*ts all over himself and he's a f*cking *sshole? Hey! Tom: That was mean Mark: That's right! Tom: Never attack somebody that sh*ts on himself Do you guys think it's weird to sh*t your pants when you're sleeping? Not that I do it...But I did it lastnight and I haven't taken a shower since And I'm wondering if that's what smells Mark: (laughing) poopie-poopie ga-ga Hey, I wrote this next song! Wanna hear it? Tom: Coz you don't have a choice Mark: Goes like this FAMILY REUNION Sh*t, p*ss, f*ck, c*nt, c*cksucker, Motherf*cker, t*ts, f*art, t*urd and tw*t Sh*t, p*ss, f*ck, c*nt, c*cksucker, Motherf*cker, t*ts, f*art, t*urd and tw*t Sh*t, p*ss, f*ck, c*nt, c*cksucker, Motherf*cker, t*ts, f*art, t*urd and tw*t Sh*t, p*ss, f*ck, c*nt, c*cksucker, Motherf*cker, t*ts, f*art, t*urd and tw*t I f*cked your Mom! Mark: Thank you, thank you so very very much Hey, This next song is about falling in love Tom: What's it about? Mark: I dunno... this songs about love, let's give it up for love! Tom: I'll tell you what I love! Mark: You know what the best part of falling in love is? Tom: sex? Mark: It's the oral sex! Tom: The pleasure GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE Please take me by the hand It's so cold out tonight I'll put blankets on the bed I won't turn out the light Just don't forget to Think about me And I won't forget you "I'll write you once a week", she said Once A Week she said Why does it feel the same To fall in love or break it off And if young love is just a game Then I must have missed the kick off Don't depend on me To ever follow through on Anything, but I'd go through Hell for you and I haven't been this scared in a long time And I'm so unprepared, so here's your valentine Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful Skylee I'll think about the times you kissed me after class and you put up with my friends I acted like an *ss I'd ditch my lecture To watch the girls play soccer Is my picture Still hanging in your locker? I haven't been this scared in a long time And I'm so unprepared, so here's your valentine Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful I haven't been this scared in a long time And I'm so unprepared, so here's your valentine Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful To Travis! Tom: Hey Mark! Mark: Hey, If you guys are anything like me, you like to dress up in your mother's underwear And walk around the house trying to seduce your father. What... just me? Tom: I'm like you, I try seducin your daddy Mark: member, remember that one time when I walked over to your house? And your brother was there with the peanut b*tter smeared all over his wiener? And he's all "C'mere boy, c'mere, C'mere boy (Baby voice stuttering here) Who Like's the skippy? who like's the skippy peanut butter?" Tom: This song's really hard to play It's really hard to play, I would appreciate it if you didn't listen to me for the next two and a half minutes, alright? SHUT THE F*CK UP! WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN I took her out, it was a Friday night I wore cologne to get the feeling right We started makin' out and she took off my pants But then, I turned on the TV And that's about the time she walked away from me Nobody likes you when you're 23 And are still more amused by TV shows What the f*ck is ADD, my friends say I should act my age What's my age again? What's my age again? Then later on, on the drive home I called her mom from a pay phone I said I was the cops and your husband's in jail This state looks down on sodomy And that's about the time that bitch hung up on me Nobody likes you when you're 23 And are still more amused by prank phone calls What the f*ck is caller ID, my friends say I should act my age What's my age again? What's my age again? It's the slow pretty part! And that's about the time she walked away from me Nobody likes you when you're 23 And you still act like you're in freshman year What the f*ck is wrong with me, my friends say I should act my age What's my age again? That's about the time that she broke up with me (what's my age again?) No one should take themselves so seriously With many years ahead to fall in line Why would you wish that on me, I'll never wanna act my age What's my age again? Where's my agent friend? What's my age again... Where's my agent Friend Mark: F*ck Yea! Tom: Hey Mark! I'm startin to get sweaty, and contrary to what most people think, I think I look better wet I've been campaining this for about 2 years now So throughout the show, you will see me getting s*xier and s*xier as it gets hotter and hotter, ya know Mark: And Tom: and what? Mark: If you watch close enough, you might see Tom getting fatter and fatter as the show goes on too Tom: why would I be getting fff-fatter? Mark: Coz... Tom: BOOBIES! Mark: Oh Jesus, stop it, no Tom: Man, You are too young Mark: You're way too young Mark: Let me tell you why you're gonna get fatter and fatter, because dog semon is full of calories Tom: Yea, don't eat dog semon! We here that there's a.. haha... it's the number one cause of a... bad breath (Laughing) Tom: Hey This song is about when I had too much alcoholic beverages, got kicked out of high school and wrote a song about it, and here it goes, it goes like this Mark: Here it goes DICK LIPS Please mom You ground me all the time I know that I was right all along And I'm hoping Remember I'm a kid I know not what I did Just having fun You couldn't wait for something new And yesterday I thought of you It left me to think as if I couldn't walk away It's too late, I fell through Nothing to lose A boy who went out When he finished all his chores Nothing to do They can't trust me because I blew it once before Sh*t dad Please don't kick my *ss I know I've seen you trashed At least one time Can I blame it On one of my dumb friends It's been awhile Since I have used that line You couldn't wait for something new And yesterday I thought of you It left me to think as if I couldn't walk away It's too late, I fell through Nothing to lose A boy who went out When he finished all his chores Nothing to do They can't trust me Because I blew it once before Nothing to lose A boy who went out When he finished all his chores Nothing to do They can't trust me Because I blew it once before Tom: Hey umm.. Mark? Mark: What, what the f*ck do you want Tom, I'm sick of "Hey mark, hey.. hey Mark, hey Mark, Look At This Look how I can make it bigger if I rub it, look at this, hey Mark come here" Tom: No seriously, Mark hey, hey Mark I wasn't really masturbating, I've never done that, I was uh uh... I was inspecting my testicles for weird bugs Mark: that's what you say, that's what you say If your parents ever catch you... "I wasn't masturbating, I was just cleaning it and it went off" Tom: You guys wanna hear a song That I wrote about 4 days ago? coz you don't really have a choice, so you might as well be into it Mark: Yea, you might as well act like you wanna hear it, coz other wise we'll play it twice Tom: Yea, you b*stards, song goes like this BLOW JOB It'd Be nice To have a blow job It'd Be nice To have a blow job It'd Be nice To have a blow job It'd Be nice To have a blow job It'd Be nice To have a blow job It'd Be nice To have a blow job It'd Be nice To have a blow job It'd Be nice To have a blow job From your Mom UNTITLED I think of a while ago We might of have had it all I was so stupid then You needed time to grow But now just as things change As well my feelings do In time things rearrange I am so sick of chasing you But what do I get 'coz I just seem to lose You make me regret those times I spent with you And playing those games as I wait for your call And now I give up, so goodbye and so long It's not a change of pace This time I'll get it right It's not a change of taste I was the one there last night You have your other friends They were there when you cried Didn't mean to hurt you then Best friends just won't leave your side But what do I get coz I just seem to lose You make me regret those times I spent with you And playing those games as I wait for your call And now I give up, so goodbye and so long It's not a change of pace This time I'll get it right It's not a change of taste I was the one there last night When I needed you most When I needed a friend You let me down now Like I let you down then So sorry, it's over Tom: Oh that song's done, we're done with that song now, you guys can rest Mark: Satan has something to say Satan: Are you guys having a good time tonight? I'm having a whole diddley doo of a good time tonight I like poetry and flowers and pictures of unicorns Tom: and thousands of (laughs) Satan: and a thousand naked children molesting me ahhhhhhhhhh Tom: (Laughing) Wait! What are some of the things satan Loves? Satan: Satan Loves Unicorns, pictures and long walks on the beach Tom: Hey! Pay attention you Fu... BOOBIES! VOYEUR And when the day ends I'm sure she feels sorrow The lonely guy I am I wait to watch her to change I've been here two days, I'll sure be here tomorrow I'd eat her all if she were on my dinner plate And I wish, I wish she'd be more kind now I'm out of luck coz the shades are pulled down I've seen everything there is to be shown I followed her all the way home I can't be too cool in a tree with my pants down The air is cold and I've got splinters in my feet She caught me once but I don't think that she cares now Unlike before her view is now blocked by a leaf And I wish, I wish she'd be more kind now I'm out of luck coz the shades are pulled down I've seen everything there is to be shown I followed her all the way home I bet this last times the one time too many The rush of waiting is burning through my head Right after supper, her brother showers twice a week He kicks my *ss so much that filthy white inbred I've made mistakes by looking in the wrong window Her dad is big and I have never seen his face I've been here two days I'll sure be here tomorrow My lady's so sweet she likes to entertain And I wish, I wish she'd be more kind now I'm out of luck coz the shades are pulled down I've seen everything there is to be shown I followed her all the way home I bet this last times the one time too many The rush of waiting is burning through my head Right after supper, her brother showers twice a week He kicks my *ss so much that filthy white inbred Mark: Hang on, hang on Tom: Hey Uh... Mark: The song's not quite over yet but Tom: The song's not done, we have to prepare for the b*ss guitar solo How ya doin? Mark: I need oxygen to the stage please! Tom: You need... Mark: Oxygen and oral s*x to the stage please Tom: And maybe some of those male chromozones to the stage Mark: Here's where I do the big bass solo people GIVE IT UP FOR ME! Thank You Tom: Sshh... here it comes... here it comes 1, 2, 3, 4 Tom: I want you kids to know that I'm gonna think of every single one of you tonight when I'm all alone inside my bunk... starting with you.... I'm starting with you! Mark: Hey, This next song is for anyone who knew us before Enema of the state And it goes like this PATHETIC I know I'm pathetic I knew when she said it A loser a bum's what she called me when I drove her home There's no more waiting and sure no more wasting I've done all I can But she still wants to be left alone You got, you got, you got to help me out And I'll try not to argue No one, no one, no one likes a drop-out Mistakes are hard to undo Don't pull me down this is where I belong I think I'm different But I'm the same and I'm wrong Don't pull me down this is where I belong I think I'm different This is where I belong Belong I think it's disgusting believing and trusting If I gave a f*ck There would be nothing for me to prove Although it's amusing, it's slightly confusing I've done all I can But her ego is still hard to move You got, you got, you got to help me out And I'll try not to argue No one, no one, no one likes a drop-out Mistakes are hard to undo Don't pull me down this is where I belong I think I'm different But I'm the same and I'm wrong Don't pull me down this is where I belong I think I'm different This is where I belong Belong Don't pull me down this is where I belong I think I'm different This is where I belong Tom: you guys know... Mark: Hey you guys having fun? Tom: We're professionals, you might not have noticed that But we are professionals at what we do, we just professionally suck And professionally act like a bunch of *ssholes on stage, that's what we do We're just as god made us Mark: Hey! You better wipe that sh*t eating grin off your face, coz this next songs a sad one! And uhhhhh... more importantly than that, if you're eating sh*t and grinning, then today probably ain't your day anyways, so whatever ADAM'S SONG I never thought I'd die alone I laughed the loudest, who'd have known? I traced the cord back to the wall No wonder it was never plugged in at all I took my time, I hurried up The choice was mine, I didn't think enough I'm too depressed to go on You'll be sorry when I'm gone I never conquered, rarely came 16 just held such better days Days when I still felt alive We couldn't wait to get outside The world was wide, too late to try The tour was over, we'd survived I couldn't wait till I got home To p*ss the time in my room alone I never thought I'd die alone Another six months, I'll be unknown Give all my things to all my friends You'll never step foot in my room again You'll close it off, board it up Remember the time that I spilled the cup Of apple juice in the hall Please tell mom this is not her fault I never conquered, rarely came 16 just held such better days Days when I still felt alive We couldn't wait to get outside The world was wide, too late to try The tour was over, we'd survived I couldn't wait till I got home To p*ss the time in my room alone I never conquered, rarely came Tomorrow holds such better days Days when I can still feel alive When I can't wait to get outside The world is wide, the time goes by The tour is over, I've survived I can't wait till I get home To p*ss the time in my room alone Mark: Thanks A Lot Tom: I want you all to say f*ck with me! 1, 2, 3 Mark: f*ck with me? why? Tom: Well, not really, you don't say the "With Me" part, just...just the f*ck part that's it Mark: Ok Tom: Let's try that one more time Mark: He he... Tom: What? Mark: He just wants you to say f*ck Tom: Yea, not the with me Mark: But he wants you to say it... with him Tom: With Me Mark: Ok, go ahead, try again Tom Tom: what, do I count to 3 and then say it? How do we do this? Mark: It goes 1, 2, 3... f*ck Tom: ok 1, 2, 3... Tom: Alright, that's a little better Mark: Ok, song's called Peggy Sue, goes like this PEGGY SUE I know what it's like to be alone sitting in your room Listening to all the doubts that Your parents have to say to you And as your head gets all cluttered inside Try to stay awake Everything they say are lies That's all the sh*t that you ever have to take So hold in all your aggressions Because your grinding your teeth on down to The bottom of your chin It's not easy or so damn pleasing To not laugh at everything they say that They tell you what to be, you're not alone I know what it's like to be denied at everything you do It's not the same reason why that Makes you change the things that you once knew As your head gets all cluttered inside Give more than you take Everything they say are lies That's all the sh*t that you ever have to take So hold in all your aggressions Because your grinding your teeth on down to The bottom of your chin It's not easy or so damn pleasing To not laugh at everything they say that They tell you what to be you're not alone You say you want to take off your shoes and Walk barefoot down the street Just to be the things that you can be Just live for one more week You say you want to take off your shoes just to Walk barefoot down the street Just to be the things that you can be Just live for one more week So hold in all your aggressions Because your grinding your teeth on down to The bottom of your chin It's not easy or so damn pleasing To not laugh at every word they say that They tell you what to be, you're not alone Tom: I choose to blame my parents for giving me a small, bent wiener and an ugly face Hey do you guys.... Hey, you know what I notice mark? Mark: Yes I do Tom: What... you know what I noticed? Mark: Yes Tom: I noticed that throughout the many years of playing with my own wiener, it bent to the wrong side I think I pulled it too far to the somethin'... the right Do you guys care? There's something seriously wrong with my dicks kids, and I need your sympathy WENDY CLEAR Let's take the boat out on the bay Forget your job for just one day I wish it didn't have to be so bad It might be inappropriate because Either way our band gets dropped, oh yeah I wish it didn't have to be so bad But I'd play with fire to break the ice And I'd play with a nuclear device Is it something I'll regret, why do I want what I can't get? I wish it didn't have to be so bad The three-date theory is getting old Everyone's getting left out in the cold I wish it didn't have to be so bad So I'll see you with another guy Who pretends not to hear you when you cry, oh yeah I wish it didn't have to be so bad But I'd play with fire to break the ice And I'd play with a nuclear device Is it something I'll regret, why do I want what I can't get? I wish it didn't have to be so bad I'll be movin' on Movin' on Movin' on, on, on Movin' on Movin' on Movin' on, on, on But I'd play with fire to break the ice And I'd play with a nuclear device Is it something I'll regret, why do I want what I can't get? I wish it didn't have to be so bad I wish it didn't have to be so bad I wish it didn't have to be so bad I wish it didn't have to be so bad Tom: guys wanna hear from Satan Again? Satan: Well, hello kids, are you enjoying the show so far? Chances are you're all gonna get laid tonight I wanna sleep with every person here! Starting with the Retards...(laughing)...starting with...(laughing) Sorry kids, I'm not very funny anymore Hey I just... Tom: wait! What if we did something like this Hey Satan! Satan: Yes Tom Tom: I was just wondering if I was gonna get laid tonight Satan: Why no you're not tom Tom: Why not? Satan: Because your dick's small, dark and ugly Tom: Alright Am I Funny Or What?! *silence* Mark: Hey I wanna tell ya how it's gonna work for the rest of the show here We're gonna say this is our last song, and then we're gonna play it Then we're gonna walk of stage but it's really, we're not really done here We're gonna come back out and play 2 more songs even after that So uhhh... that's how it works, you know how it works, you go and see a band play, they walk off stage going "thanks alot, goodnight" And you know those motherf*ckers are gonna come back out and play 2 more songs anyways So You know what? At least we're straight about it Tom: they call it an "Encore" Mark: yea, it's an "Encore" Tom: "Encore" say it with us kids "On-Core" CAROUSEL I talk to you every now and then I never felt so alone again I stop to think at a wishing well My thoughts send me on a carousel Here I am standing on my own Not a motion from the telephone I know not a reason why Solitude is a reason to die Just you wait and see As school life is a It is a woken dream Aren't you feeling alone? I guess its just another I guess its just another I guess its just another night alone Now as I walk down the street I need a job just to sleep in sheets Buying food every once in a while But not enough to purchase a smile A tank of gas is a treasure to me I know now that nothing is free I talk to you every now and then I never felt so alone again Just you wait and see As school life is a It is a woken dream Aren't you feeling alone? I guess its just another I guess its just another I guess its just another night alone (Satan Does the Outro) Mark: Hey How you guys doin up in the back? Now from the top balconey, can I get an Amen! Now From the floor, can I get a Hallajueah! Now from all these other *ssholes can I get an Oh Yea! ALL THE SMALL THINGS All the small things True care, truth brings I'll take one lift Your ride, best trip Always, I know You'll be at my show Watching, waiting Commiserating Say it ain't so, I will not go Turn the lights off, carry me home Na na na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na na na na na Late night, come home Work sucks, I know She left me roses by the stairs Surprises let me know she cares Say it ain't so, I will not go Turn the lights off, carry me home Na na na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na na na na na Na na na na na na na na na na Say it ain't so, I will not go Turn the lights off, carry me home Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill The night will go on, my little windmill Say it ain't so, I will not go (na na na na na na na na na na) Turn the lights off, carry me home (na na na na na na na na na na) Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill (na na na na na na na na na na) The night will go on, the night will go on (na na na na na na na na na na) My little windmill Mark: Hi, we're back, just like I said we'd be back You can leave now and beat the traffic Tom: Or beat your meat Mark: or you can stick around and beat your meat Mark: I Like That, I think I'm gonna say that every night from now on You can leave and beat the traffic, or you can stick around and beat your meat Satan: I have a few words to say about beating your meat I just heard you guys talkin about masturbation, I thought I'd show up and... Mark: It's my present to you people, I'm gonna stop talking and play a song, thank you Tom: Surprise! MUTT He pauses shaving and he tells himself that he is the bomb She has her curlers set, her credit cards are paying the funds He's not that old, I've been told, a strong s*xual goal He goes out everyday, she goes every way, oh yeah They don't even care at all She's open, waiting for more And I know he's only looking to score And it is way too unhealthy, often they've typically Been starved for attention before She smokes a dozen and he doesn't seem to notice the smell He took the seat off his own bike, because the way that it felt He wants to bone this, I know she is ready to blow They go out every night, his pants are super tight, oh yeah They don't even care at all She's open, waiting for more (she's open, waiting for more) And I know he's only looking to score (he's only looking to score) And it is way too unhealthy, often they've typically Been starved for attention before She's open, waiting for more And I know he's only looking to score And it is way too unhealthy, often they've typically Been starved for attention before Tom: We really love each other, we are the best of friends F*ck... Mark, Travis... you really mean alot to me man! You know what man, you need some ointment I think every pharmaceutical drug should be in ointment form And it could only go on your balls You know, if you have a cold, you rub ointment on your balls THE COUNTRY SONG Uh oh Oh sh*t Uhh f*ck... I'm gonna start dancing Take off your pants dad, Your p*nis is the biggest thing my b*tts ever had, Coz I know it feels so good, Shut your f*ckin face uncle f*cker DAMMIT Take your pants off! It's alright to tell me what you think about me I won't try to argue or hold it against you I know that you're leaving, you must have your reasons The season is calling your pictures are falling down The steps that I retraced the sad look on your face The timing and structure, did you hear, he f*cked her A day late a buck short I'm writing the report On losing and failing when I move I'm flailing now And it's happened once again, I'll turn to a friend Someone that understands, sees through the master plan But everybody's gone and I've been here for too long To face this on my own, well I guess this is growing up And maybe I'll see you at a movie, sneak preview You show up and walk by on the arm of that guy And I'll smile and you'll wave We'll pretend it's okay The charade, it won't last When he's gone, I won't come back And it'll happen once again, you'll turn to a friend Someone that understands, sees through the master plan But everybody's gone, and you've been there for too long, To face this on your own, well I guess this is growing up Well, I guess this is growing up (Mark Does The Outro) MAN OVERBOARD So sorry it's over, So sorry it's over There’s so much more that I wanted and (So sorry it's over) There’s so much more that I needed and (So Sorry it’s over) Time keeps moving on and on and on Soon we’ll all be gone Let's take some time to talk this over You’re out of line and rarely sober We can't depend on your excuses coz in the end it's f*cking useless You can only lean on me for so long Bring the ship about to watch a friend drown Sit out on the ledge, begged you to come down You can only lean on me for so long I remember shots without a chaser Absent minded thoughts now you’re a stranger Cover up the scars put on your gameface Left you in the bar to try and save face You can only lean on me for so long Bring the ship about to watch a friend drown Sit out on the ledge, begged you to come down You can only lean on me for so long So sorry it's over, so sorry it's over There’s so much more that I wanted and (So sorry it's over) There’s so much more that I needed and (So sorry it’s over) Time keeps moving on and on and on Soon we’ll all be gone Man on a mission can’t say I miss him around Insider information, hand in your resignation Loss of a good friend best of intentions I found Tight lipped procrastination Yeah later, see you around. WORDS OF WISDOM Tom: I'm going to come back and I'm going to start a therapeutic massage center only for for... Mark: I'm going to start my own n*udist colony Tom: That would be grose, you tried that in our bus one time Mark: I tried to start our own nudist colony in our bus and it was pretty much just me hanging out naked, they love you Tom Tom: They love me so f*ck everybody else Mark: Yea f*ck all you guys out there that are cheering, yea we hate you Tom you suck dick burn in hell Tom: Yea f*ck that, hey I say I say f*ck the hating Tom thing that's what I say, are we ready Mark Mark: You know what it is you know what it is a lot of these people are just now hopping on the we hate Tom bandwagon, like I've been hating tom since like 1995 I'm old school hating Tom guy alright Tom: Oh sh*t, hey let's all say some dirty words, everybody say f*ck, everybody say sh*t, everyone say dick, everyone say Mark's an *ss hole Mark: Everyone say, everyone say we hate Mark, yea Tom: Hey now let's do this one, everyone say f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck, that's the kind of words you should be using at home kids Mark: That's right Tom: What do we do now Mark: I want everyone to call me an *ss hole again Tom: What's up I like your hair it's very nice Mark: You like his hair oh cool thanks he probably appreciates that a lot Tom: I wanted to say I liked your butt but I thought that was too foward you know Mark: Hey this next song is for all the ladies in the hezouse, hea he it's for all the ladies in the heoueoueouze Tom: Mark! Mark: What? Tom: Shut the f*ck up Mark: It's for all the ladies in the houaeiouze ....Weeeee! Hey you know what hang on I want to make this like a Tom: (belch) excuse me Mark: Exuse Tom Tom: Sorry Mark: I want to make this like a big golf tournament everyone shut up everybody just clap like it's a golf tournament Tom: That's what it sounds like when I get done having s*x, 15,000 people cheering me on, I could take all of you in my bed right f*cking now, but you're not invited Mark. You have got giant boobs and I doubt you're 18, do you have a note from your mom, I want to meet your mom... Mark: Hey put those 13 year old boobs away, if I wanted to see 13 year old boobs I 'd hang out by the Junior high like my dad like my dad does Tom: Hey you know what I learned in fifth grade Mark: What's that your dad has a bent weiner? Tom: My dad's weiner was bigger than mine then and still is Mark: I want everyone here to scream, f*ck you Tom, we f*cking hate you you're going to burn in hell and die a horrible firery death coz we hate you stupid piece of sh*t *pause while they listen to the crowd* Tom: I heard that Mark: Thanks Tom: You want to give me your shirt, this smells like blood and feces, dinner time! ok what does this say here Mark: It smells like blood and feces, so it's your dad's shirt Tom: Hey uh just like every other band we believe in a safe form of s*x don't we Mark, that we do so Mark's going to tell you about how safe we are Mark: Let me tell you about the safest form of s*x, it's when you get super drunk and you have s*x with like ten people totally unprotected and you do intravenous drugs at the same time, no it's not true Tom: It's not true you have to carry a weapon. How many of you guys have girlfreinds and how many of your girlfriends have guy friends, I hope you're not having s*x Mark: And more importanly how many of your girlfriends have girlfriends Tom: Coz we believe in the love that exists between two vaginas Mark: The most special kind of love of all is the love that exists between two naked women while I watch Tom: We need her to put her shirt back on Mark: Please Tom: It just took away my bone*r, my bone*r just died, I had one and now it's gone Mark: Please I saw your boobs and my wiener ran away. Hey hey hang on everyone everyone seriously I need your attention for just a second please, I think somebody lost a contact down here so everyone look around a contact lense hey someone lost a contact lense so uh... Tom: I lost my virinity Mark: Keep an eye out for it Tom: I lost a testacle, hey what if testacles were things you could lose on a everyday basis that would suck, you've only got three, hey I've got to go pee pee Mark: Do you want to go pee and I'll talk to the kids for a second Tom: Do you think you can talk for enough time Mark: No uh uh Tom: Why don't you gather your thoughts Mark: Why don't you just wet your pants and we'll call it even Tom: Should I just p*ss in my pants right here, if you guys all pitch in a dollar each I'll p*ss my pants right here now, that should pay me about two-hundred bucks maybe Mark: I'll give you three-hundred dollars to p*ss your pants right now Tom: I'll give you four-hundred bucks to eat my sh*t Mark: Sold Tom: (Laughing) Sold! Apparently there's a kid that's hurt right now and I think they're helping them out right now, it looks like they're right there Mark: Make a hole people make a hole Tom: All you people over there make way for the hurt kid and bring me their wallet Mark: I wish now you know let me tell you guys something... Tom: I'm gay! *both laughing* Mark: There's thousands and thousands of people here today there's like semis and f*cking buses and multiple bands and all kinds of sh*t, I wish now I would have taken b*ss lessons, sorry sorry Tom: So do I, I wish you did too Mark: I'm thinking for Christmas this year I'm going to ask for lessons Tom: I know a guy, he has s*x with his sister, He used his dick to pop her four foot blister, And I know it's not that cool, he f*cked her in my swimming pool, He's got three testacles, and he loves to... stu.. uhhh do sh*t! Fck yea! Heyhow come every time we say a joke it has to be about f*cking s*x masturbation insest, or anything gross like that you know Mark: Is there anything else in the world Tom: There's nothing else to talk about Mark: Hey can you help that little girl out of there she's not having so much fun right now, hey Tom: Uh exuse me, security guard sir Mark: The one right in front of you, yea Tom: Yea that girl right there needs to come out, if you're a small person the front is not the best view, and if you hate seeing sh*tty bands any of this is not a good view, this whole everything every seat here. Mark's middle name is Rebecca, they thought he was a... Mark: That's right, my middle names Rebecca because my dad wanted a girl, he treats me like one Tom: I still have to go pee and I'm holding it in still, I'll p*ss my pants though for money, I'll eat a nugget of my own poop for twenty bucks, I'll pay you twenty bucks and I'll eat it Mark: You shave your *ss Tom: You have hair on nothing but your balls, Mark has no hair on his whole body but a f*cking wolverine growning in his pants, I swear to God, it's got teeth and sh*t Mark: It's true Tom: He's got a scary looking p*enis Mark: It's true I need your tax deductable donations for the shave Mark's balls program, please Tom: It's for charity kids Mark: Please send what you can, donate your time Tom: You guys think that we're touring for our own, no this is a charity tour for Mark's balls Mark: We're trying to raise enough money to shave my nuts, please give generously Tom: There's no metal strong enough to be the teeth on any kind of electric shaver, what do we do now, oh I need a new guitar Mark: We need a new guitar, we need a new guitarist, any one out there play guitar Tom: Does anybody know how to play guitar coz' I'm not very good, people don't really respect me Mark: If I were a girl, every time I went to the gynecologist, I'd fake an orgasm Tom: Bad kids Mark: Bad christmas spirit Tom: Bad christmas spirit Mark: Hey ok I need light now Tom: We're going to point out every single person that didn't sing Mark: Santa Claus is going to come to your house and sh*t under all your trees Tom: Santa Claus is going to come rape your dogs, Oh God you know what I'm kind of ashamed of being myself today, and yesterday and the day before that, not really proud of who I am or how I look. Any one have one of those days were you don't even really like what you're wearing, you know, you don't like how your hair looks, and kind of bumed about how your p*enis is so small and bent and wierd. That is the ugliest but I have ever seen. Let's hear it for not wiping! And this guy f*ck wiping dude, brings down the rain forest. Ok this is a song I wrote... Mark: That guy has a science fair project up his *ss Tom: Uh what head's up seven up, everyone close your eyes and if I come by and if I come by and put my finger in you but than you're the one I think that Satan has a couple of comments: Well kids it's been a really fun show, and I want you all to know that we'll come back soon, but before I go I want to say I think Tom is extemely good looking and all the girls out there should think he's good looking. Tom has one of the best butts that I've ever seen shimi shimi coco puff shimi shimi right shimi shimi coco puff... Does anybody here want to sleep with me?I'm really a nice guy, it's really not Satan... It's me it's not Satan!! Let's all be happy he's not here say f*ck Satan Alright I'm out of jokes and out of songs, I think we're done