(With thanks to ‘the Times’)

1. You’re likely to survive any battle in any war unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

2. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn the language. A German accent will do.

3. The Eiffel tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

4. A man will show no pain while taking a ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

6. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noise in their most revealing underwear.

7. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley stadium.

8. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

9. All bombs have timing devices with large red digital readouts, so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

10. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will only attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out all their predecessors.

11. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak to each other in English.

12. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s a door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.