The Antediluvians Talk About the Sects
[shuffling and muttering sounds..(again, sometime later, this time in an Italian pizzeria)]
VENTRUE: Now, Lasombra, why did you arrange a meeting here?
LASOMBRA: Well, I thought it was time to inform you and the bunch that Geoffrey and I have just...
TZIMISCE: HALT! I keep telling yoo zat my name is now Tzimisce and NOT Geoffrey!!!!
NOSFERATU: Hmm, somehow sounds fiendish...but do you always have to copy me?
TZIMISCE: Copy yoo? Well, zat my last experiment looked like yoo waz really an accident! [blushes]
MALKAV: Hey! How can you blush??? Is that some of your 'Sissitude-Thing?
[silence]
MALKAV: Hey! Bob didn't hit me!!
[baff]
BRUJAH: I told you not to use my streetname, Kook!
VENTRUE: Gentlemen!
GANGREL: GRRRRRR!
VENTRUE: Oh, excuse me, Gangrel. LADIES and Gentlemen, let's stop these arguments about names, please. Let's here what Lasombra and Geoff...err...Tzimisce have to tell us.
LASOMBRA: Now. Thanks to the inspiration of Bill..
VENTRUE: That's VENTRUE to YOU, Lasombra...
LASOMBRA: Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks to his inspiration, Tzimisce and I have just formed our own group and you are all invited to join it.
TOREADOR: Hmm, if you will tell us, what is your new group all about?
MALKAV: I know it! I know it! It's got something to do with dirty hands or so... Or were they black?
SUTEKH: DIRTY you ssssay? Ssssoundssss sssssplendid to me....isss there a possssibility t ohave a posssst assssss religioussss exsssspert or perhapsssss ssssome bussssinessss with drugssss?
TOREADOR: Ah, that sounds just like you, Sutekh. Always taking chances without paying heed to the moral aspects of your deeds! Ooohh, how DECADENT!
BRUJAH: You telling us something about decadence, Toreador?
[biff, punch, a brawl ensues followed by unbelieving silence.]
TOREADOR: Thanks, Malkav. I aspire to true art and beauty...what has that got to do with decadence?
SUTEKH: Do you really want an ansssswer to ssssat quesssstion, sssir? Ssseeee cossst for it isss not too high....let'sssss dissscusss ssssat later, yessss? Hmmm... Decadenssssss......
LASOMBRA: AS I was about to say, you all remember those three witches on the hilltop in MacBeth?
MALKAV: Sure! Nice chicks! But they lacked hygenics.
[Gangrel growls dangerously.]
TOREADOR: Don't get upset, Gangrel. Malkav didn't mean it personal, I'm sure....but please let me say one thing without getting physical, you COULD do with a bit more about your hair.... it's so... hmmm... MESSY!! And since we ladies have to help each other in this world dominated by men...
VENTRUE: Toreador! Ladies?? But you are a ma.... Ooohh... I think I understand..
[coughing sounds]
TOREADOR: [whispered] One more thing, Gangrel... DO you do it doggy style??
[rip, tear, shred, mangle]
TOREADOR: Ouch!! That hurt!! Ahhh... The ignorance! That dress was brand new and unique!! It was a present from my lov......uhh... dear friend Gaultier! The LOSS to humanity!!
[Malkav and Brujah look at each other...suddenly bursting out with laughter.]
TOREADOR: Oh, you BARBARIANS! Can't you let a woman mourn about a deep loss? You...You... ANIMALS!
[slash]
LASOMBRA: Very...decorative...those slashes, Gangrel... NOW, back to those witches. Their meetings were called Sabbats....
TREMERE: Did someone just mentioned Witches?
TZIMISCE: Vat the Hel are you doing here?
TREMERE: Well...uhmm...Saulot sent me as his holiday replacement. Hmmmhmmm..
HASSAM: Holiday...Yes, one could call it that... [grins]
VENTRUE: You mean, you are here to give Saulot the memos later, Tremere? Show me the papers he surely gave you!
TREMERE: [hypnotical voice] You don't need to see my papers!
VENTRUE: I don't need to see your papers....
TREMERE: These are not the droids you are looking fo... yikes! [thinks to self] damn... my past life as an Oracle of Time keeps haunting me....
GIOVANNI: Here, your pizza, Lasombra! [whispered] Tremere, perhaps we could solve that problem...the haunting, I mean... [winks]
TREMERE: [whispers back] How can you read my thoughts???????
LASOMBRA: Pizza? With Garlick?? Who ORDERED THIS???... MALKAV!!
MALKAV: I didn't do it!!! It was Bob, trying to protest against the establishment again!!!
[biff]
BRUJAH: Stop telling lies about me! Are you mad, Malkav?
[silence]
[more silence]
BRUJAH: Okay, okay, stupid question..... but he just pushes me to the edge....
LASOMBRA: BACK to business, people. If any of you doesn't want to be pushed around by someone we all know, he...or she... is welcome to participate.
MALKAV: MEEE!! MEEE!!!
TZIMISCE: Eeerr... I zink we should set at least SOME limitationz to who joinz and who not.
SUTEKH: Let me tell you sssssat I have had ENOUGH of your sssssmall sssssquabblessssss, and I will ssssseek my own way in sssseee dessssertssss.... perhapsss in Egypt... and when I return, I will dessstroy you all and be proclaimed assss a GOD!! I will rule SSSSUPREME! I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!
MALKAV: Narf!
VENTRUE: Sutekh, just because you have had a lisp since you were a kid doesn't mean you have to go nuts!
LASOMBRA: And would you please stop standing on my pizza?
MALKAV: Seems more like an "Oh God" to me... anyway...
[smack]
BRUJAH: HEY! Sutekh, that's my job!
[baff]
MALKAV: HEY, Ventrue!! Why the hell did you just hit me?? Hmm.. what's this warm stuff in my mouth? Tastes good....YUCK! It's blood!! Gross! (Editors note: Okay, we know you all know that we know that you all know that joke, but we just couldn't resist.)
VENTRUE: Malkav, stop mucking about with pizza. And has anybody seen that Tremere character?
BRUJAH: It wasn't Malkav.... I've been watching him....
HASSAM: Um, yeah... Tremere... vanished... to the toilets...with the waitress... by the way, has anyone seen Ravnos tonight? I'm beginning to have suspiscions about the pizza.. it can't be Malkav...
MALKAV: Too true!! It wasn't any of us!!
HASSAM: ... 'Cause he's too daft to think of it...
[baff]
[shocked silence]
MALKAV: Ouch... my hand hurts!
HASSAM: Don'd dry dad again, Nudboy... by de by...can I ged my fagsh.... ummm... fangsh back? Dey are shduck in de back of your hand...
[plop, plop]
HASSAM: Thanks
MALKAV: Oh, sure, old man... IF you come down from your mountain once in a while to visit me and Mr. Socko! Visiting times are from....
BRUJAH: Mountain? Like in a "Mountain of shi..."
HASSAM: DON'T PUSH IT! At least MY mountain wasn't destroyed, unlike a certain village you once knew....
[BAFF]
BRUJAH: THAT was for CARTHAGE, Ventrue, you capitalist SWINE!
VENTRUE: OWWW! Vat hurt!! [hypnotical voice] Where did you say that mountain was, Hassam?
HASSAM: Oh, it's hard to tell... Best you take this map to Alamut....
NOSFERATU: Wow... How can 11 people be THAT stupid? .... Oh.. with Malkav it's 33, but STILL not enough....
SUTEKH: Aaahh.. I hear dissssssssssssatissssssfaction out of sssssat... perhapssss you want to follow me in my quesssst to sssssupressss mankind and become GODSSSS of BLOOD!
[A rather pale waitress arrives to serve more pizza.]
TREMERE: Did I miss anything? And where did this MEGAGARLICIZZA(tm) come from??
NOSFERATU: Hey! There's a RAT on mine!! How gross!
RAVNOS: Hey, I ain't no rat, Ralph! My new illusions seem to work quite well... How did you like your pizzas?
[Restaurant closes due to heavy fighting, heavy shouting, and general unsocial behavior.]