Technical
Support
Vampire Technical
Support
"And you thought your job was weird?"
(ring ring)
TechSup: Hello, undead technical support. May I please
have your name and the date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and I am a
GREAT AND MIGHTY VAMPIRE!!!
TS: Can I please have your date of death, sir? We have
currently around 120 Vlad the Impalers on file, it's a
fairly common name among the undead.
Cust: Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see, I haven't
actually died yet. I was just sort of, you know,
looking to see if someone would, you know, bite
me, or if there is some sort of trial...?
TS: Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can not provide that
service. I would however point you towards your
nearest foreboding castle or dark alley to find a blood
sucking fiend of your choice.
Cust: Oh, why thank you! (Click)
(ring)
TS: Hello, undead technical support. May I please have
your name and the date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm, Herman Carpinski,
TS: So what can I help you with?
Cust: I need to know how I deal with this whole rotting
problem.
TS: Rotting?
Cust: Yes, pieces of me keep like falling off, and
there's this horrible smell.
TS: Oh. Sir, were you killed by having an undead bite
your neck and suck your blood?
Cust: No, some guy danced around my grave a lot and
then blew dust into my face.
TS: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a vampire as it were.
You are what is known as a zombie, and while I can't
really support that, I can tell you that the rotting
smell is fairly normal. However, I can give you the
zombie support line.
(ring ring)
TS: Hello, undead technical support. May I please have
your name and the date of your death?
Cust: I AM VERY UPSET!!!
TS: I understand, sir, becoming one of the walking
undead blood-sucking fiends is a big step-
Cust: NO that is not what I am talking about you
(bleepity bleep bleep)!
TS: Sir, if you will please calm down, perhaps I can
help you?
Cust: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!!
TS: I can alert a manager, sir, but they will have to
call you back in a few hours. Are you sure there is
nothing I can help you with?
Cust: YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN
THING??
TS: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to the sun is fairly
standard to all vampire types, so that behavior is by
design.
Cust: It is not! It says right here in this pamphlet I
downloaded from the Internet that if I ingest the blood
of 12 virgins on 12 consecutive nights and gouge out my
own eyeballs I'll be immune. Which I have done mind
you and I am still vulnerable to the sun, so what gives?
TS: Well, sir, that is a different...ah... application
of your powers. You probably want to talk to the
people who wrote it, or if it is something specific to
your particular type of vampire, you may wish to
speak to the person who brought you across.
Cust: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND
IN A GOOD WAY
You know I honestly hate calls like that. I mean what
is with these people? Is it my fault they don't read
the fine print? I mean, ok immortality is cool and
the nifty vampire powers are great, but they all call
me when they can't handle it and expect me to
deal with this crap, I mean...one sec got a call
(ring ring)
TS: Undead Techni-
Cust: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH A
CROSSBOW OUTSIDE, AND HE IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE, "DIE
FOUL FIEND!!!"
TS: Okay sir, please calm down.
Cust: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN? HE IS
BATTERING DOWN THE DOOR! AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!!
TS: Okay sir, are you vulnerable to holy symbols?
Cust: Ummm, actually no. I am a farquath vampire, we
don't do the holy symbols thing.
TS: Ah, good! I also see your kind of vampire has
increased strength and speed and can take a lot of
punishment. Okay, is he through the door yet? Are
there more than one of them?
Cust: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses and
one of them has a crossbow.
TS: Well, okay. Do you have a phone book?
Cust: Yes, WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK GOING TO
DO ME?!?!
TS: Sir, I need you to remain calm if you want me to
help you, okay?
Cust: All right, now what? They're almost through the
door!
TS: Tuck the phone book inside your jacket over your
heart. When they come through the door, let them shoot
you with the cross bow, and then hit the one in front
as hard as you can.
Cust: Okay, I'll try. I'm not very violence literate
though.
TS: That's okay, just follow my instructions and I'll
talk you through it.
Cust: (sounds of crashing and muted thunk and a loud
scream) Okay, there are two left, now what?
TS: Okay, throw the one you hit at the second one as
hard as you can, and then grab the third by the throat
and lift him off the ground.
Cust: (loud crashing and some moaning followed by some
choking gurgling noises.) Okay, I have the head guy
dangling - now what?
TS: Okay, now look into his eyes and laugh maniacally.
Cust: Heh heh heh.
TS: You might want to try a more maniacal laugh. Kind
like this - MUHAHAHAHAHA!!
Cust: Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll try. Muhahahaha.
How was that?
TS: Close enough. Now repeat after me, "YOU PITIFUL
HUMAN INSECT, DIE LIKE THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!" and then
please squeeze as hard as you can.
Cust: (repeats statement and a cracking is heard from
the phone) Nothing is happening.
TS: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand you are holding
him with.
Cust: Oh. Okay. (wet cracking sound is heard) Wow, this
isn't so hard. Maybe I will get the hang of this whole
violence thing! Thanks so much for your help!!
TS: That's quite all right, you have a good night now,
and thank you for choosing undead technical support.
(click)
See now, I kind of like those calls. I got to help
someone, and you know that's what this job is all
about.
Am I one of the undead? Heck no.
I don't care much for the hours really, I am just doing
this for money while I study for my Occult Sciences
degree. Then I can go out and make some real money as
either an undead admin, or maybe a troubleshooter
type. Support is great experience for that sort of
thing because it gets you learning, and working with
people. I know tons about the undead vampire types,
and I heard we are going to start supporting werewolves
and magic users next. Hey, if they want to train me,
I'm not going to complain. I mean, after all-
(ring ring)
TS: Undead technical support. Can I have your name and
the time of your death?
Cust: Hey, is this where I call about problems with
being a vampire?
TS: Yes, it is.
Cust: Okay. Do I have to drink blood? That's kind of
gross - can't it just be Kool Aid or something?
TS: No, I'm sorry, but blood is definitely a
requirement.
Cust: Oh, well, ok.
TS: Anything else I can help you with?
Cust: Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and things from bad
blood?
TS: (hits mute button)
Sir, you're dead, okay? You really don't have to worry
about that at this point.
Cust: Oh. How do I get the blood?
TS: Generally you bite people.
Cust: Oh, ok. Well, bye.
(click)
(sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. There are times when
this job gets on my nerves. But anyway where was I?
Oh yeah. I get to start training today for supporting
werewolves and magic users. And vampire hunters. You'd
think that would be a conflict of interest... oh well.
(2 weeks of training later)
Instructor: . . . just to re-emphasize a few things -
we do not support major summoning or world destroying
rituals.
And if the customer is a werewolf and has just shifted
and can no longer communicate you will need to direct
them to the growling and grunting specialist.
Any questions?
TS: What exactly constitutes a major summoning? I mean
what is our policy if they attempted a summoning and
mispronounced the name and got a major demon lord
instead of the minor imp they were trying for?
Inst: Well, assuming they are still alive, you would
probably want to send it to Escalation. Any other
questions?
(Later that month)
(ring ring)
TS: Shape shifter technical support. May I please
have your name and the type of shifter you are?
Cust: This is Derek Thorfin and I am having this
problem... (scratching noises) I can't get this damn
hair to go away after I shift. There's this one patch
that just won't not go away.
TS: Well, sir, is it a rectangular patch on your chest
and abdominal area?
Cust: Yes, actually it is.
TS: Well, sir, that will not go away. That patch
of hair is the mark of the animal demon that currently
possesses you. If you were a shifter by birth rather
than by position, it wouldn't be there.
Cust: So when will there be a solution to this problem?
TS: Sir, that particular behavior, as I have said, is a
side effect of being a shifter by position.
Cust: Whatever, when are you going to fix it? Cause I
don't like this hair, it itches.
TS: Sir, as I said this is something that cannot be
fixed, unless you want to go through a cleansing ritual
and give up being a shape shifter.
Cust: No, you don't understand! I want this hair gone
and you need to tell me how to get rid of it! Have you
got that, fella? Cause if not, I'll have to come down
there and rend you limb from limb. I am a werewolf,
got that, geek boy? Now you go on and tell me that
secret way you have of getting rid of this here hair.
TS: Sir, I must tell you that if you continue to be
threatening, I will have to terminate this call and
refer your case to our security department. That
being said, we do not have a secret way to remove your
hair.
Cust: All right, that's it! You're lying to me!
Either tell me or I come down there and REND ALL YOU
blankety blanks INTO SMALL QUIVERING CHUNKS OF FLESH!!!
YOU GOT THAT GEEK BOY? WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, HUH??
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH??
TS: I am sorry sir, you've forced me to terminate this
call.
(click)
(A few days later)
(Loud growling followed by a loud pop followed by
distraught howling)
Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have told him about the
silver trap we have for werewolves... oh well, back to
work.
(ring ring)
TS: Mystical Technical Support. May I please have your
name and the name of your group, or your contract
number if you are an independent.
Cust: My name is Mike Evenstar and I am a member of the
Most Glorious Order of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay.
TS: Okay, sir, what can I help you with?
Cust: Well it's a small thing really, I was just
wondering what would happen if, ah, well, when
summoning a 9th level elemental spirit I had gotten two
of the glyphs wrong?
TS: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head pounding on table
is heard)
Cust: Well, that is, I sort of changed the 9 into a 90
and the elemental to demonic.
TS: I see. Sir, can you hang on a second?
Cust: Sure, no problem. But please hurry - the glowing
purple thing is getting worse, and the walls have
started bleeding.
TS: I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold music) AHHHH why
do I get these calls? (off hold) Okay, sir. I want you
to listen to me carefully. Once I'm done talking, I
want you to follow these steps. First open the door to
the room you are in, step through it, and run as fast
as you can. Then call 555-DUMB. This is the number
for a service that takes care of these kinds of
situations.
Cust: Okay, so I open the...
(sound of a wet crunching sound, a scream, and then
silence)
TS: (sigh) I lose more idiots that way. Oh well, at
least I got promoted to major conjurations,
summonings and escalation support last week. It means
more money, although now I end up with even bigger
problems to deal with. But they're giving me more
training I guess.
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go for it
Other Tech: Okay, I've got this guy on the line who
says that he is trying a major summoning, and he has a
wizard class account, so he is covered. But I have no
clue what's going wrong. He has the sacrifice he
needs, all his sigology looks fine, I mean he even has
the blue pillar of fire going for him! Could you take
it, please, because frankly, I am stumped.
TS: Sure, go ahead and transfer him. (pause) Hi there, I
hear you are having some problems.
Cust: Yes, I don't understand it. I have all the
materials and everything appears to be fine. I have
gateway open but I am getting no response to the
true name.
TS: A sacrifice was mentioned - could you tell me what
kind?
Cust: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was needed,
and she is waiting right here all bound and prepared
for the demon to come through and rip her to pieces. I
mean, we even have the proper amount of screaming.
TS: (knowing chuckle) Did you say virgin sacrifice? And
how old is she?
Cust: She is 17. I had her checked out beforehand and
she is a certified virgin.
TS: Of course. By any chance do you have a young male
assistant? A teenager, perhaps?
Cust: Well, yes I. . . DAMNIT ALL TO HELL, Jedrick come
over here! I'm gonna peel the skin off your back and
feed you to -true name of major demon omitted-
TS: Sir, you may not realize this, but saying names
like that in front of open gateways can be a bad idea.
Cust: What, you mean -------? Why would that be bad?
TS: Sir, I would once again advise you against saying
that name in front of a gateway.
Cust: Oh, come on, no one actually expects ------- to
answer, I mean he (sound of a thunder clap)
TS: (sigh) If this keeps happening I might get written
up.
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: Ummmm, I have a demon on the phone.
TS: You mean someone summoned a demon and he needs help
with it?
OT: N-n-no, the demon killed him while he was on the
phone and, ummm, it somehow got my name and now it says
it owns my soul as well, and I am kinda in over my
head, HELP please.
TS: Okay, go ahead and conference it.
OT: Okay, here goes.
Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE -- ALL OF THEM!!!
TS: With whom am I speaking, sir?
Dem: I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are mine
by the contract of the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
TS: Well, all right, sir. But I need to tell you one
thing first.
Dem: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!!
TS: notraghtar BY THE POWER OF YOUR UNNAMEING, DEMON
BEGONE!!!!
Dem: NOOOOOO AHHHHHHH THE PAIN NOOOoooooooooooo (fades
into nothing)
TS: See, it's no problem, you just can't let those
demons push you around!
OT: Cool -- thanks dude!
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: I've got an irate, would you please take her?
TS: (sigh) Go for it.
Cust: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER CONJURER, AND
I KNOW IT IS NOTHING I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR
SHODDY MATERIALS!! I KNOW BIG PEOPLE IN HIGH PLACES AND
I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ALL TURNED INTO TOADS!!!
TS: Ma'am, if you will please calm down and read me
your conjuring formula, maybe I can help you.
Cust: OH VERY WELL! (long incomprehensible formula
follows)
TS: Ma'am, I think I've found your problem -- it is on
the 3rd, 8th, and 21st lines.
Cust: OH REALLY AND WHAT IS THAT MR SMARTY PANTS??
TS: Ma'am, 2+2 is equal to 4 not 8.
Cust: Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a minute... (click)
TS: Thank you for calling magic support, and have a
nice day.