If I Ever Become a Vampire Credo

1. I shall wear tweed, and cheerful, bright clothing. Further, I shall only wear trench coats if it is raining or foggy.

2. I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.

3. I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my story with any reporter or struggling writer.

4. I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4-wheel drive will be just fine.

5. I will immediately become agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding religious maniacs.

6. I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, because that's the first place people look.

7. I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, in order to lose any Romanian accents I may have.

8. My ghouls shall have good posture.

9. I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.

10. If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.

11. If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.

12. If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no forwarding address.

13. There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being for a 15-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain from such transformations in public.

14. Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with them whatsoever.

15. I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine, doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they probably are too.