Anybody know a good lamb and pie shop round here?

Follow the adventures of Tom, Clarrie and an Orange cat-suit!


This round robin has been done by all and sundry- me, my brother, our cousins and other people along the way. We do this by snail mail, so it takes a little while:) Everyone writes one exercise book page full, and must stop, even if it is mid-sentence, at the end of that page. Sections begin with that person's name. This is not supposed to be an example of good writing. And we all have strange senses of humour.

Apologies if you don't get our in-jokes:)




The clouds rumbled monotonously and threateningly overhead. Darkness was falling. Tom put his head down, and battled as hard as he could into the ever increasing wind, hair flapping around his face. Rain began to fall in slow and steady drips, cold and jewelled. A bat flitted accross the full moon. He still couldn't remember why he was here. Earlier in the day, he had stopped to ask directions in a small village shop. The shopkeeper had looked at him, confused, and said:

"Don't know much 'bout that. You'll have to ask farmer John. He's the one with the tractor 'round here."

She carried on serving customers, unaware of Tom's confusion. He bought a cheap and fake pasty, and he could still taste the cardboard and plastic cheese on the back of his tounge. he marvelled how the things continued to sell. Slowly, Tom made his way towards.....



the hill. Lightening snaked through the night sky. Tom wondered why he did it. He had no motive- and yet he still managed to pick up a refrigerator and literally insert it into his best friend Pete. Sorry, I mean *ex-friend* Pete.

Tom scrambled up from off the ground, shook off the mud, and walked around under the cloudy moon. He walked for what seemed like hours. His vision wasn't good at the best of times-actually it was crap. He continued up the rocky winding path until he came to the door of a castle. He went in, only to see a figure of a slender woman in a dimly lit room. Only then did he notice the....



Blood dripping from her ruby lips and her deathly pallor. Then, like a wave of horror, and with something akin to passion, it came upon him that she was a corpse. Since the demise of Peter, Tom had been tormented by corpses and strange supernatural visions. He was filled with an inevitableness in his horror at yet another corpse. As the waves drew back their veils from his senses, Tom began to look at his temporary hideout. He could lie low here for long enough to get out of the country; the police would pass by. Then he thought of the corpse in front of him, bathed in moonlight like ripples on a still lake. She was a new death, and he felt like she would cover him and envelope him as though her flesh were milk, and the rest, shadow.

Then, it dawned on him that a flickering was being emitted from a room on his left. Golden and cold, as if from a small and unopposed fire. He stepped forward: perhaps therein was the perpetrator of a crime not dissimilar from his.




Tom made his way into the room emitting the light. His footsteps echoed around the vast interior of the stately castle. Indeed, the echoes filled the castle walls and became the heartbeat of the old building. The heartbeat quickened as Tom reached the door to the room. An old oak door, roughly made, blocked the way. The golden light escaping through the holes and cracks of the old door, shone, splintered on the stone floor directly in front of Tom.

Tom's mind progressed backwards, triggered by the golden light that flickered before the the edges of his hsoes. The light was similar to that he used to see rippled on the water near his old house. He used to sit on the cliffs overlooking the sea. The sunlight used to play on it as it descended towards a watery horizon. Tom's mind also wandered to Peter and how he used to join him. What was the name of this place? Mevagissey.



As Tom entered the door and the light became brighter, illuminating every inch of space around Tom, enveloping him in a soft glow, which intensified and sent a pulsorary shock through his body, which snapped him unconcious.

Tom woke with a shivering and numbing coldness sweeping through him. As he awoke, so did his senses and he could feel sand covered his body; he noticed he was stark naked and covered in burn marks. Probably radiation, he thought, having read extensively on the subject. Tom felt something wet and squidgy over his eyes. he scraped it off, and found his hand full of seaweed. As his sight came back, he could see a tall figure loomed over him, who said:

"'ello moi luvver."


It was the slim, black haired corpse. She seemed to have no respect for, or knowledge of, her death, and stood there large as life. Traces of smudged blood round her mouth betrayed it, but she glowed a faint purple.

"Oim Clarrie, moi dearie," she trilled. Her voice was like a birds, but it had undertones like chocolate. She brushed her hair back from her face, and it shook down her back. Tom felt a swirling within him, and felt nauseous. As Tom began to sit up, watched by Clarrie, he noticed a glow eminating from his torso.

Suddenly a huge blast of supernatural wind hit them, and a small frightened cat blew roughly into Tom's arms. He held it tightly until the blast passed. Clarrie and he had to...



...find shelter somewhere. Tom spied around him; there was a slipway for boats, a small shop and a pub- all closed of course. The strange land, although completely unfamilar, seemed somehow familiar.

There was a small wall to shelter behind. Clarrie and Tom made their way to it. the cat flew out of his arms, hit the wall, and Tom realised for the first time that he was naked. Clarries didn't seem to mind. They made some rough clothes out of an old bag they found; and then proceded to walk up one of the hills that lay to either side of them. After about ten minutes, they came to a road sign. Unfortunately, it was overgrown. Anyhow, they continued down the next hill. A woman came out of a driveway saying 'Polkirt Mews'.

"What do you think you're doing? Where have you been, and who's that girl with you?You're letting the side down."


Gran Pat (our Grandmother, would you believe)

Tom said to Polkirt-Mews-woman,

"You asked me where I had been. Do you know me?"

"I know nothing," Polkirt-Mews-woman said, "but you must have been somewhere. And what have you done with that cat?"

"How do you know about the cat?" Tom asked.

"Everyone does something with a cat," she said, "see what I've done with mine." She purred loudly, disappeared in a hot mist, and was replaced by the cat-that-hit -the-wall.

"Get some clothes on," the-cat-that-hit-the-wall said to the naked woman. It spat at her and the naked woman became covered in tabby fur.

"Who am I?" Tom asked the-cat-that-hit-the-wall.

"You're the dealer, she's Della and I'm the cat called Kalamazoo" the cat that hit the wall said, "Now we have to find the dog named Blue before *someone*,"The cat-that-hit-the-wall now the cat named Kalamazoo looked meaningfully at Tom-the Dealer, "inserts a refrigerator into the dog named Blue"



Peter. Yes, that was it, Peter! Was he alive? Tom didn't even know if *he* was alive anymore. Standing here with a girl who wasn't dead or alive, and a woman who periodically changed into a cat.

"What do you know about Peter?" Tom-the-dealer asked the cat named Kalamazoo.

"Only that we have to find him." Tom's head snapped round to see the then-Clarrie talking.

"How do you know about him? How do you *know*?! Tell me!" Tom demanded in a voice that carried hints of both desperation and anger.

"He's not dead, dealer. But you will be if you follow him to where he's gone. Don't try and rescue a drowning man."

The cat spoke: "You're somewhere else now. But you can....



"...still make it home, Tom."

Tom pondered, looked skywards with a hint of desperation and muttered some words which no one could understand.

A great shadow began to pass over the landscape; trees became engulfed in the blackness- it swallowed everything. The cat looked skywards to see what had caused the icy chill-the lack of sun. It had incredibly been blocked by a huge spaceship.

A laser cme shooting down fron its center, directly slicing Tom in half. From this, something began to clamber out of Tom's dead and smouldering sliced body. It was the most terrifying thing the cat had ever seen. It was...


...Toby Spearpoint. Toby climbed out and said:

"Ha ha the world will be mine. But first, I will get revenge on the one in the orange Cat-suit."

Toby clambered down the hill into the ancient villageship of Mevagissey. he strolled through, looking at the shops and restaurants. He noticed a shop called Ye Olde Minimarket and entered.

He came out again, and and climbed slowly and steadily up School Hill. And there it was. A huge beacon on the horizon, illuminating the landscape. It shone on the Ye Olde Kingdom Of Smellzonia.

"Here I will find the prince of the orange catsuit!" exclaimed Toby. And then he climbed the great steps only to be faced with....


A giant, shivering and trembling elephant. Its trunk hung dripping and folorn, its ears flapping half heartedly.

'An elephant?' thought Toby, 'Why, in all my days in the theatre, I never saw such a thing.' Remembering that he had, in fact, never been in the theatre, Toby made his way towards it, a little tentatively.

"Hello," he said, "what are you doing here?"

"Oldest game in the world, this elephant buisness," replied the giant pachyderm, "Thirty years, man and boy. Man and Boy..."

He looked at it, puzzled. He began to pray that he would find a way to traverse this strange land and all its oddities. Then he remembered that he was a creature of evil, and so to pray would be violating the code of the Evil Villan (statute 4.5), and stopped praying, settling for hoping instead.

"So," said Toby, "Why, exactly...




What will happen next! Will Toby find the Prince Of the Orange catsuit!? Will he destroy the world!? And why has the original plot been completely abandoned!? This is getting silly..........


Tune in soon to find out!


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