Ttle: Starving.
Author: Becca.
Category: VA (suprise!:))
Archive: Go ahead- if you tell me where I can visit.
Summary: Starving can be the slowest way to die.
  Not mine. yatta, yatta.

This is the first of three. And they're not nice to Mulder. But hell, I wouldn't be the first to indulge in some gratuitous Muldertorture.

~~~~~~
You know, Scully, It wasn't so bad at first.

Not so bad as I thought it would be. I imagined that without you, the world would spin empty, a substanceless void that I couldn't even see through, much less stand up in.

Not true.

  For a start there was the paperwork. It didn't interest me, but hell, it was something to do; so I focused on that, because it was mindless, yet expense reports really do take all your attention.

I didn't want a new partner.

Skinner, however, wanted me to have one. The man tried.
 
The new guy is enthusiastic, I'll give him that. Reminds me a bit of my first impressions of Krychek before I knew he had dirt on him. Heard tales of Spooky in the basement, I guess and wants to get his teeth into the aliens and mutants. He's bright, Scully.

But not as bright as you.

I know you had to. I know you had to go.

I just can't figure out why you didn't tell me.

I'm starving without you, Scully. It gnaws at my belly and it's getting worse with every day and every hour that goes by, with every sleepless night I spend in my apartment, with every minute that I run the streets of DC.

The other night, about 2am, I was out, sweating and tired, when I passed a bar. You remember the one? I forget its name, but it was that poky little place, the one that smelt of chicory and tobacco and whisky; the one that we wound up at that night after standing in the rain, waiting for another useless informant that never showed.
 
We talked that night, remember? About the future, about plans- career and personal. You sat opposite, auburn hair hanging in messy strands round your face, cheeks glowing slightly in the yellow of the street-lights. You twiddled the stem of a wine glass between your fingers. 

"I could never have a normal life now, Mulder," you looked right at me "Not now. Not after this"
 
Your gaze locked onto mine, intense, almost challenging. I didn't do anything except moisten my lips, and swallow hard. I thought you promised me then, Scully. I thought we had an understanding--a not now; but one day. I thought it was an agreement. I never thought you would leave.

Not until Skinner handed me that piece of paper in the office on that rainy morning a month ago. Not until he said:
"Take some time, Mulder."

Resigned and gone. Damnit, your mother had even changed her number.

But I understand why you did it, Scully. The cancer, Emily, the fire and Antarctica. It was too much. You needed yourself back. You needed the time. And I'm going to give it to you.

Fuck, it's hard though, Scully.

I'm starving here without you.

~~~~
End.
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