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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

STAGES OF UNDERSTANDING:
PERSONAL DECISION-MAKING

As the emotional trauma subsides, your parents will increasingly deal more rationally with the issue. At this point, it's common for them to retreat for a while and consider the options that lie ahead. It's like reaching a fork in the road that has a number of paths from which to choose. The choice each person makes is a reflection of the attitude he or she is ready to adopt in dealing with the situation.

Both parents may not necessarily choose to take the same path. A number of factors will influence which path is chosen. Reading about homosexuality and talking to other parents will probably encourage them to take a more supportive position. Their religious orientation will play an important part. The general liberal or conservative position they usually hold will also have some bearing. The importance of the restoration of their relationship with you is a major factor. A variety of factors will affect them as they formulate a compatible posture for dealing with this.

Three kinds of decisions will be described:

1. Most parents continue to love their child in a way that allows them to say, "I love you", to accept the reality of the child's sexual orientation and to be supportive. In fact, now that the relationship between parents and child is on a level of mutual honesty and trust, most parents say that their relationship is better than it ever was. All parties begin to feel better about what has happened.

   Although they may have had some glimpses prior to this time, supportive parents are increasingly aware of your needs. They become concerned about the problems that you have to face. Although we have had some glimpses prior to this time, my wife and I became more aware of our son's needs and what he had been through. In fact, we were amazed he had handled all the tensions and problems as well as he did for all those years.

   Our awareness and love for him soon involved us in offering to begin solving some problems in an effort to reduce some of those tensions: a single room at college would enable him to live his life without having to offer excuses or explanations to a roommate. Dan was invited home more often and gradually became an important member of our family. When Ted told his brother, we were able to talk to Louis and support Ted.

2. Sometimes parents respond by making it clear that it's an issue which no longer requires discussion. Although they can discuss the matter, they are quite fragile in dealing with it. they have progressed this far and wish to go no further. This does not necessarily reflect a negative attitude toward you. They know their limits and don't want to be pushed beyond them. Although you need to respect that stance, you can still make efforts to reach out to them. Let them know that you love them - in word and deed. Cautiously let them know some things that you do related to your sexuality, i.e., gay groups in which you're involved (community centre, religion, athletics). Make it a point not to let them drift away from you. Introduce them to some of your friends - meeting other homosexual persons (in small numbers) will help to break down the stereotypes they may hold.

3. In some instances, your sexual orientation can be the staging area for constant warfare. Everything you do and say is viewed as a symptom of your 'problem'. (The hours you keep, your language, choice of friends, vocational selection, school grades, etc.). However, in reality, it may reflect a parent's feeling of personal inadequacy. As long as this condition exists, both parent and child are in a no-win position. Generally speaking, if one parent assumes this extreme a position, the other parent may have difficulty choosing a role that is far from it. When relating to their children, parents are often outwardly supportive of each other - even if, behind closed doors, they don't completely agree between themselves. I'm convinced that most parents who attend a parent's meeting - or who enter into personal conversation with a supportive parent - greatly increase the chance that they'll not remain negative. If they won't attend a meeting or enter into personal conversation with a supportive parent - greatly increase the chance that they'll remain negative. If they won't attend a meeting, maybe they'll meet with some parents at a quiet restaurant. If all attempts fail, don't let the situation get you down. Find a parent-substitute or friend to whom you can turn for support.