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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

STAGES OF UNDERSTANDING: DENIAL

Denial helps to shield a person from a threatening or painful message. It's different from shock because it indicates the person has heard the message and is attempting to build a defence mechanism to ward it off. Denial responses take many forms: hostility ("No son of mine is going to be queer."), non-registering ("That's nice, dear, what do you want for dinner?"), non-caring, ("If you choose that lifestyle, I don't want to hear about it."), or rejections ("It's just a phase; you'll get over it.").

Their perception of your homosexual orientation may be distorted by the messages they've received and accepted from our homophobic society. The manner in which the denial is expressed can range from a serene trance to hysterical crying or shouting. Many parents take a 'middle of the road' approach - they cry frequently.

My wife and I were sure that our son had been caught up in some form of gay liberation activity that appealed to him because it seemed dangerous and exciting. We thought the media coverage about homosexuality probably attracted him and that he lacked maturity to know what he really wanted. We insisted that he go once to a psychiatrist to deal with the anger that had been building for over a year. We agreed to visit the doctor too, in a separate session. After two or three visits by Ted, the psychiatrist shredded our defence mechanism of denial: "I've counselled many gay young adults and I'm convinced this is no passing fancy; to the best of my knowledge, your son is gay."

You might be ready to suggest the name of a counsellor or two if your parents think that counselling will help to clarify their confusion. It would be advisable to suggest a non-gay person because your parents will want an 'unbiased' view. If they press for you to see a counsellor, suggest that they match you session-for-session. They may resist on the grounds that they don't need help. However, underneath, they'll probably welcome someone to talk to.

Your parents may need some help in separating what's 'normal' from the 'norm'. It's probable that they'll think homosexuality is not normal. You can help them by explaining that although homosexuality is not the norm, it is what is natural to you. Point out that all of creation has exceptions to the norm. While most people are right-handed, some are left-handed. Although most people have two eyes of the same colour, some have a different colour in each eye. They need to begin to understand that although your sexual orientation is not in the norm, it is a natural and honest response for you.

If their denial takes the form of, "I don't want to talk about it", you should take a gentle and cautious initiative if they haven't changed in about a week. Gently raise the subject when they appear relaxed: "Dad, I've been waiting to talk to you about this for years; please don't push me out of your life. I can no longer bear the burden of lying to you. I love you and want you to continue to love me in return." Personalize your message as a way of penetrating their defence.

There's no need to tell them more than what they ask. Volunteering information about experiences will make them build stronger defences. Answer only what they ask for. They'll get to other questions at another time. Because they'll experience awkwardness in framing their questions, you may need to clarify the question before providing a response.

Be ready to deal with your parents individually, if necessary. Most couples react to this disclosure as they have to other shocks - one takes the lead and moves toward resolution ahead of the other. Don't be upset with the slower of the two. It's not infrequent that couples have dysfunction in their own relationship when this occurs. The one who seems to adapt more quickly may suggest that his or her spouse is actually enjoying the agonizing. The one who moves more slowly may think the other is far too accepting of the situation. Parents who move at different rates may experience tension, whether expressed or unspoken.

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