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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

STAGES OF UNDERSTANDING:
FEELINGS EXPRESSED

When it's clear that guilt and self-incrimination are unproductive, parents are ready to ask questions - listen to answers and acknowledge their feelings. This is the point at which some of the most productive dialogue between you and your parents will take place. Now will pour forth the full range of feelings: "I'm disappointed that I won't have any grandchildren." "Please don't tell anyone in the family; I'm not ready to face this issue with anyone else." "I feel so alone and hurt; I believe I was better off not knowing." "How can you hurt us this way?" or "I wish I were dead."

Since living in a homophobic society has forced you to experience many of the same feelings (isolation, fear of rejection, hurt, confusion, fear of the future, etc.), you can share with them the similarities in the feelings you have experienced. However, allow them ample time to express themselves - don't let your needs overpower theirs. If they haven't read a book or talked to other parents, suggest again that they pursue one of those avenues. Offer to read and discuss a chapter in the book with them - or to go to a parents' meeting with them.

Ted had cautiously suggested earlier that we meet Dan. Initially, we had no interest in that suggestion because when we stopped blaming ourselves for what had happened, we began blaming Dan. I was angry that his catastrophe had befallen our home. I was sure it was going to ruin our lives. I had always felt we were good parents, hardly deserving of this. My anger toward Ted was seldom expressed to him - but it was there for me to deal with.

Anger and hurt are probably the most frequently expressed feelings. They are often surface feelings that seem spiteful and cruel. In order for your parents to make progress, it's better that they vocalize them than bury them and attempt to deny their existence. What they might say will be hard for you to handle. You may be tempted to withdraw, regretting that you ever opened this issue. However, hang in there - there's no turning back now. When they begin to express these feelings, they're on the road to recovery.

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