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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

STAGES OF UNDERSTANDING: GUILT

Most people who deal with homosexuality initially perceive it as a 'problem' and ask, "What causes it?" They think if they can locate a cause, then a cure is not far behind.

For me, the question became introspective: "What did I do wrong?" Whether I viewed the cause as genetic or environmental, I was clearly to blame. I questioned the kind of male role model I had provided. I examined my masculinity. For a while, no matter which angle I viewed the situation from, I believed I was the primary source of the problem. It was a feeling I was too ashamed and saddened to share with anyone else. Although both parents usually feel guilty, the parent who is the same gender as the child probably feels it more. Then one day, my wife said: "I don't think it's reasonable for you to take the blame; you raised two sons, one gay and one straight. There must be other factors involved."

It's not uncommon for single parents to heap extra blame on themselves because of an earlier loss, separation or divorce from their spouse: "I knew I failed you. I just couldn't be both mother and father at the same time." When parents feel guilty, they are self-centered. They are not yet concerned with what you've been through. In this stage, they're too wrapped up in themselves to attend to your concerns.

Because they are your parents, they may not be able to admit to you their sense of guilt. To acknowledge that feeling to you is like saying, "I've brought this horrible thing to you. I've made you different. Blame me." That's not a comfortable position for parents to assume.

You can help them in a variety of ways. Assure them that you don't believe the cause is as simple as they see it. Tell them that there are many theories and that the origins of homosexuality are not known. Provide them with a book to read that is addressed to parents. A book may appeal to them at this point because it can be viewed as an authority. Have the book ready to give them - don't send them to a gay bookstore to find it for themselves.

They may be ready to talk to a trusted friend now - some may seek out a clergyperson. It will be difficult for you to attempt to steer them away from a person of their choosing who you think may not be helpful. If you know an agency that has assisted other families in a helpful way, have the agency name ready. (A gay-oriented agency may be able to help them but they may resist going to the 'enemy camp' for help). Provide the phone number of the local PFLAG group or give them the name of other parents who have agreed in advance to talk to them. Don't expect them to respond immediately to these suggestions - their shame and guilt may hold them back. Providing this information is like planting a seed that may take time to bear fruit.

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