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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

STAGES OF UNDERSTANDING: SHOCK

Many families take the news as a temporary loss - almost as a death - of the son or daughter they have known and loved. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the stages related to the death of a loved one as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Just as in grief, the first reaction of parents of gays and lesbians centers around separation and loss. I remember one morning when my son was fixing breakfast at the stove, as I sat at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. I looked at him and wanted to say, "I don't know who you are, but I wish you'd leave and send my son Ted back." Parents experience loss when their child comes out but it probably will be only temporary.

Although the stages described here apply to most people, they are not an absolute progression for everyone. Sometimes a stage occurs out of order, occasionally one is skipped. Some progress through the stages in three months, others take years. A few - often due to self-pity - make no progress at all. In any case, the initial feeling is usually one of loss.

Most parents think they know and understand their children from the day of their birth. Even though they cling to old stories - and sometimes evidence confusion in telling some of them - most remain confident that they know what's going on inside a child. They lose the perception they once had of their child and don't yet know if they will like the real person who is replacing that idea. Those who experience the biggest shock when their child comes out are probably those who suffer the greatest feeling of loss and rejection. It's not that they separate from the child as much as it's that they feel their child has willfully separated from them.

They sense the separation - which you've probably been aware of for years - for the first time. It's a traumatic discovery. With understanding and patience from all parties, that relationship can be restored. In fact, in most cases, it improves because it's based on mutual honesty.

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