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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

SHOULD I COME OUT?

THE SHORT ANSWER: Only if you want to and only when you're ready. Don't come out just because someone else thinks you should.

Hiding the fact that you're gay or lesbian is called "being in the closet". Being open about it is called "coming out". You can come out to one person, to friends and family only or to everyone you know. It's up to you.

There's no reason you have to come out if you aren't ready. Sometimes there are very good reasons not to come out. There may be risks in coming out. There may be people who won't accept you if you're gay or lesbian, or people who might do and say terrible things. They could be your parents, your friends, your classmates or your teachers - people you love or depend on for financial help, companionship, encouragement or other support.

There are also very good reasons, however, to let some people know that you're gay or lesbian. Hiding your sexual orientation keeps the important people in your life from knowing a big part of you. Hiding who you are keeps your relationships very superficial. At some point, many gays and lesbians find that the loneliness and isolation of keeping a secret is worse than the fear of coming out.

Whatever your reasons for thinking you should or shouldn't come out, it's your decision and no one else's. It's also one you should take at your own speed. You know what your life is like better than anyone else. Trust your instincts, but also recognize that fear can be an old record which stops you from making positive changes for a bright and healthy future.

Keep in mind that knowing you're gay is just being aware of one more piece of who you are. You're the same person you were before; you just know more about yourself. A lot of gay and lesbian teens have learned to say to themselves, "I'm gay and that's OK".

Before you come out, you might want to be educated about being gay for your own information and because many people will have wrong ideas. You'll feel proud to know the facts if someone asks you a question or if you want to correct someone's lies about gay people. Read one or more of the books for teenagers and talk to other gay and lesbian people on the phone or in person. By learning about their experiences and talking about yourself, you'll know more about who you are and what to expect when you come out. Tell your new gay friends that you're getting ready to come out so they can support you.

That kind of support is really important when you're coming out. You'll want people around who care about you and will be there for you, whether it's just to talk or to give you a hug when you need one - or to give you a place to stay if you need that. If you don't feel that you already have people like that, call the local PFLAG chapter or one of the other gay or gay-positive groups. These groups also help families adjust to the open understanding that their son or daughter is gay.

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[Before Coming Out to your Parents] [Be Yourself] [Our Daughters and Sons] [About Our Children] [Definitions Used]

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