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Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

WILL I LOSE MY STRAIGHT FRIENDS?
AND WHERE DO I FIND GAY FRIENDS?

THE SHORT ANSWER: To the first question - maybe, but probably not. To the second - everywhere.

Many teens say they have more straight friends now that they're "out" and that they're a lot happier and more confident since coming out. It's easier to be close to people when you're not hiding anything and when you're comfortable with yourself.

Some teens, however, have had horrible experiences coming out at school. Kids can be very cruel, especially when they're unsure of themselves and are looking for ways to build themselves up. They can harass you and make your life miserable. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and two-spirited youth have a very high drop-out rate because of the way they are treated.

In 1997, the Calgary Board of Education passed a policy guaranteeing protection and support for gay, lesbian and bisexual students and staff.

If you want to come out to friends, be careful to trust only friends who will respect your privacy and confidentiality. Friends who tend to gossip can cause problems, even if they don't mean to hurt you. Some friends will be supportive right way. One or two friends might have already guessed that you're gay, lesbian or bisexual. You may find that you already have gay, lesbian and bisexual friends - and you didn't know it.

Some friends may need time to adjust to the idea of your being gay, lesbian and bisexual. Some may wonder if your coming out to them is a way of coming on to them and that might make them feel uncomfortable. Some may wonder, since you are a close friend and you are gay, whether they are gay or lesbian too. Just as you did with your parents, try to think about how each friend is likely to feel and how you can let them see that you have not changed. Just as with your parents, offering them some of the books listed in this website.

Talking to gay, lesbian and bisexual friends about their coming-out experiences can also help. Finding new friends who are gay, lesbian or bisexual is really important - friends who know exactly what you are going through because they've "been there" or are in the process of coming out themselves.

Gay youth organizations are a good place to start because there you won't have to try to figure out whether another teen is gay or not. Most major cities have gay youth organizations where you will be able to meet people easily. You will find new friends with whom you can share experiences and support - and learn more about yourself.

You ALWAYS have the choice to be sexual or not - and to choose with whom you will be sexual with. Don't let ANYONE pressure you into sex or make you do anything you are not comfortable with or don't want to do during sex. Just because you are having sex with someone does not mean you have to continue. If the situation is uncomfortable or scary for you, end it. You can do this at any time; it is never too late to stop the interaction. If you are being sexual, always practice safe sex; you don't know anything about the other person's sexual history and people don't always tell partners everything. The more a person thinks they are not at risk of catching HIV or hepatitis, the higher the risk is. It will happen to you if you do not look after yourself properly.

Because you are with another human being, with insecurities of his or her own, unless the person is being truly abusive or a total jerk, you need to respect them just as you would like to be respected. People can feel hurt or insulted if you suddenly "reject" them but you can still say no or end the sex without making them feel really bad about themselves.

If you are in a small town or in the country, if may be harder to find gay, lesbian and bisexual youth groups. In that case, you can meet people through the pen pal programs and Internet computer bulletin boards (BBS). The organizations in the resources directory can also help you find more specific groups, such as organizations of gay, lesbian and bisexual people of colour (Arabs, Southeast Asians, South Asians or Native), gay men and lesbians (sometimes known as Two-Spirited in deference to traditional culture).

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