This site best viewed at a resolution of  800 X 600  using MS Internet Explorer (download now)

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

WHO SHOULD I TELL?

THE SHORT ANSWER: To start, only those people who you want to know.

Coming out isn't something that you do once and then it's over. You might want to come out now to your family and later to friends or the other way around. You could come out only to one parent, to a brother or sister and later to the rest of the family.

The people you tell first should be the ones you trust the most. You need to be able to trust them not to hurt you, to accept you for who you are, to respect your privacy and not tell anyone you don't want told.

"I don't miss a single meeting of our support group. I met my best friends there."

Think about what you could lose by telling a particular person. If it's a parent, might they kick you out of the house? Cut you off from your friends? If it's a friend, are they likely to withdraw from you? Would they tell other kids at school? What would happen if they did?

Think also about what you could lose by not telling a particular person. Is your relationship with your parents or your friends strained because you're keeping a secret from them? Would you be closer with them and be able to get more support from them if they understand why you were acting withdrawn? Think about what kinds of things you've been able to share with them in the past and how they reacted. If there's someone to whom you want to come out and you aren't sure how he or she will react, try to feel them out first. Get them talking about a book, a movie or a television show about gays. Use the questions under the section, "I Feel So Alone".

Keep in mind that someone's reaction to a gay or lesbian person in a movie might not be the same if that gay or lesbian person is their daughter, their brother or their friend. It can work both ways - people might seem either more or less prejudiced in a hypothetical or movie-type situation than they would when responding to someone close to them.

For example, Because homophobia is so common in our society - and still so widely accepted - a friend or parent might, without thinking, joke about a gay character in a movie - or might do so because they think you expect that - but show far more thoughtfulness and desire to understand when responding to your coming our. On the other hand, parents and friends who seem accepting of gay characters in the media might be far less accepting of homosexuality in someone close to them.

To get a sense of how someone will react to your being gay, try to keep your questions specific, personal and thought-provoking. Say you have a friend who has an older brother off at college or in the military. You could say something like, "I've been reading about gay groups on college campuses" or "I've been reading about gays in the military. Would you be upset if your brother came home and told you he was gay?" Your friend might surprise you and answer, "My brother is gay".

Previous	Next
[Before Coming Out to your Parents] [Be Yourself] [Our Daughters and Sons] [About Our Children] [Definitions Used]

Where would you like to go?
A new window will open

[ PFLAG Canada ] [ PFLAG USA ] [ NRPride ]