SHORT ANSWER: When you're ready - and with care.
It is important to remember you are not alone with this situation. Although gay people themselves are a minority: families consist of both gay and straight people. It is stated that between 1/3 to ½ of the population has a direct family member who is gay or lesbian themselves. As usual, homophobic politicians are the last to catch on because of their own old stereotypes and their negligence in updating these to be effective leaders.
Many gay teens say that their relationship with their parents was much closer after they came out because it was more honest. They say it was a relief to feel like they weren't keeping a secret any more.
PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays) was founded by parents who wanted to support their gay sons and lesbian daughters - parents, family members, friends, neighbors and co-workers who wanted to work with their children for equal rights and who wanted to welcome their sons' and daughters' partners into their families.
It doesn't always work that way. Some teens who come out to their parents are forced to leave home. Some parents become abusive. Some family relationships never recover because of parents' problems with dealing with their fears.
Because you come out to your parents, there are some things for you to consider.
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"My grandmother is my biggest supporter and at one time I thought I'd never tell my family."
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Think about your parent's general reaction to gays. Find out as much as you can, by observing your parents or asking indirect questions. Do they have gay friends? Do they read books or go to movies that include gay relationships? Is their religion accepting of gays? Does their spirituality surpass the man-made rules of religion? Have you heard them say that there's nothing wrong with being gay?
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Think about your relationship with your parents. Have they shown that they love you even when they're upset with you? Have they stuck by you even when you've done something they didn't like?
Be prepared. If you had to leave home, do you have a place to stay? If your parents cut off financial support, do you have a reliable person to whom you can turn and who will respect you? The streets are not the answer. However bad it might seem at home (assuming you are not being beaten or abused), the streets are no better. No guaranteed safe place to sleep, no guarantee on where and when you are going to eat, no place to clean up, a huge chance of being attacked, ripped off, harassed, beaten up or dead. They don't call them "the mean streets" for nothing.
If your answer to any or all of these questions is "no", don't come out to your parents until you have a safe place to go and a way to support yourself. You'll probably be better off waiting until you're on your own. You might decide never to tell them because they wouldn't understand.
If your answer to all of these questions is "yes", then it's probably safe to tell them.
You're the only one who can answer those questions and weigh the balance of "yes" or "no". Trust your gut. It's almost always frightening coming out to your parents but if you're terrified about it, you should pay attention to that. Not all parents will be accepting.
If you decide you can and want to tell your parents, think about how you can make it easiest on them - and on yourself. Try to think about how they're going to feel and the questions they may have so that you're ready for them. Call a local PFLAG chapter and speak to a parent who can talk with you about how your own parent might react.
It will be easiest to talk with your parents when you're feeling good about yourself. Coming out to your parents will require a lot of strength. If you're feeling confused or haven't sorted out all your feelings about being gay or lesbian yet, that could increase your parents' confusion and make them more resistive to what you are saying to them. People respond to calm, well-reasoned and confident discussion far better than to someone who is upset, scattered and who appears to be unsure of what they are talking about.
It will also be best if you can pick a time when your parents are relaxed and not pressured by work or family worries. Otherwise, they may feel they don't have the time to deal with it and shut you out.
Be prepared for your parents to need some time to accept your being gay - just as you probably needed some time yourself. Reinforce you love them and are telling them because you love them and want them to know the whole you, not some false image of you. Sometimes parents believe telling them you are gay or lesbian is because you are trying to pay them back for something or trying to hurt them. Sometimes parents think teenagers "think they're gay/lesbian" because it's supposedly trendy and rebellious. These are common reactions and come out of not understanding. That's what the process is about, reaching a place of understanding. That's what the process is about, reaching a place of understanding and acceptance but it will be a long, hard road for all of you. Telling them out of love is important - even if they don't understand that at first.
Remember that your parents are from an older generation - one that was more homophobic than yours. Even if they're accepting of gays in general, your parents may be shocked at learning that you are gay. They may not believe it at first or they may want to try to take you to see a psychiatrist to help you. A good psychiatrist of course will help your parents deal with their fears, as to try to change sexual orientation is now considered malpractice for physicians.
Before the psychological and psychiatric associations concluded that homosexuality is perfectly normal, there were a lot of theories about how people became gay because of how their parents acted. Your parents may worry about what your being gay says about them and about whether they failed you in some way - and that worry can come out as anger and defensiveness.
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Your parents could also feel that you've rejected them or their way of life by being gay or that you've somehow ruined their dreams for you. There's often some of this feeling in all relationships between teens and their parents, as the teen becomes more independent and parents have to let go of the image they have of what their son or daughter will be. Parents of gay and lesbian teens may feel this sense of loss and rejection even more strongly.
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"I told my sister first that I was a lesbian. I didn't feel so lonely after that - and then I was ready to tell my parents."
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Even if they don't have those reactions, your parents are probably going to feel worried about you - about whether this will put you in danger, about whether your life will be happy, about whether you'll have a family of your own. That can make them want to ignore or deny what you've told them.
They may worry also about how they're going to tell their parents and friends. They'll be starting a coming-out process of their own. It might be useful to remember how difficult this process was for you. Why would your parents have any less difficulty with it than you did? Remember, you have had a considerable amount of time to work through all this. Your parents are being made to deal with it suddenly with little or no preparation. For them, who they thought you were five minutes before has suddenly changed forever. That's a tough thing to wrap one's brain around at first.
The best thing you can do is be ready with good information for them, with answers - or suggest people with whom they can talk. The more homework you've done and the more self-assured you seem, the more you'll convince your parents that you're ready to take responsibility for yourself. Then they won't worry so much about you.
PFLAG can help a lot with that - with suggested books, videos and information for you and your parents and by providing contacts with other families who have gay and lesbian children or counselors who can help your parents work through their feelings.
Remember - you don't have to come out to both parents at once. Many teens have talked first to the parent they thought would be more accepting or with whom it was easiest to talk. Recognize, though, that confiding in only one parent may cause hurt and tension between your parents - hurt because the parent who is not told may feel slighted when he or she finds out and tension because the parent you do talk to will now have the burden of explaining your silence - or of keeping a secret until you are ready to talk to the other parent. Think it through if you plan to tell just one parent.
Most importantly, make sure that you have other people with whom to talk because even when coming out to your parents is relatively easy, it's hard. The more support you have, the better.
